Last Night's Meltdown Cow

(Of mine, obviously.)


(Since James has never had and WILL never have anything even remotely resembling a "meltdown cow.")


                                                  ~ ~ ~


So, evidently, yesterday we got an Official Email all officially telling us that we now have a new Official Chengdu Address.


You know, for people to, like, mail us stuff when we're on the other side of the earth. James, of course, was the recipient of said Official Email, since I'm all Just a Wife and he's all The Employee.  Because now that my husband has aced his language exam, stuff is TOTALLY starting to happen right quick around here.**


[**And so, this might be a good time to pass on some DS gossip from multiple, extremely well-placed sources: DS folks in language training not only WILL NOT be allowed to process ANY travel-related plans until after they get the scores they need, but there also WILL NOT be ANY language waivers granted to any DS person for any reason, period.  So just remember all this stuff when you're bidding and trying desperately to get overseas.  Are you really ready to bid on that spot that has a language requirement?  Only you know that answer to that.]

So James forwarded the Official Email to me and was all happy and excited all day long. Because we had an address!  For when we're in Chengdu!  Something real!  And official!  Like we're really, actually going!**


[**And before you scoff at me, Dear Reader, I have to tell you the following:  You see these people (A Fisher Out of Water)?  These people who are currently posted in China?  Okay, get this:  we had dinner with them (they're delightful) when they were just brand-new applicants to the Foreign Service, long ago.  Even back then, James had long been paneled to Chengdu.  These people have since gone through the hiring process, been hired, been A-100ded, gone through language, moved to post, gotten pregnant and HAD A FREAKING BABY... there in China! ... ALL while James and I have been training to go to Chengdu.  This is not a lie or an exaggeration!]


So, anyway, last night after we got home from our long day learning eleventy bazillion new things about visas... and after we fed ourselves and our children... and did some homework... (etc.)... James happily chirped again about our New! Chengdu! Address! and wanted to know if I'd seen it and the email.


No, I hadn't.


So he brought his iPad over and showed the address to me.  And the address** read:



James D. Adventure and EFM

Unit 1234, Box 4567

DPO, AP 12345-6789



[**Okay, that might not be our last name.  And those might not be the exact numbers.  But you get the point.]


And the following conversation was immediately had:


                                                  ~   ~   ~


(Me, incensed, and poking a finger at the address):  What the HELL?!?! When people we know send us mail, they'll address us as "James and EFM"?!?! Like, they'll write "EFM" on their envelopes in the place of my NAME?!?!


(James, distressed):  Huh?  No!


(Me, continuing, and going into orbit):  What the HELL?!?!  I HAVE A NAME!  I HAVE A FREAKING NAME!!!!!!  HOW CAN THEY STRIP ME OF MY NAME ON OFFICIAL MAIL THAT OFFICIALLY IS SENT THROUGH THE OFFICIAL U.S. POST OFFICE!?!?!?


(James, wringing hands and hoping to avoid continued crisis):  What?  NO!  That's not what happens!  Look at the Official Email!  The email clearly states that "EFM and MOH individuals on orders can receive mail under their names using the same box number!"  People can use your name!  They won't be writing "EFM" on the envelopes!


                                                   ~   ~   ~


But by then, the damage was done.  Even the mere THOUGHT that people would send us mail for two years in Chengdu addressed to "James D. Adventure and EFM" sent me through the roof and into the stratosphere. 


As I banged pots and pans around the kitchen during dinnertime, I mused at the abject absurdity of it all.  Would people be able to just send the mail to "EFM" and have it get there, if they meant it to be for me?  Or would they have to use my last name, at least, and send it to "EFM Adventure?" 


And what about common envelope courtesy?  I'm married, after all!  Could I not even at least be "Mrs. EFM Adventure?" or did I lose the Mrs. completely?  Sort of like The Artist Formerly Known as Prince, you know?  Like now I'm just "EFM" to the post office. 


Ah, well, that was yesterday and tonight I'm far more balanced.  I think long-term language training makes everyone really cranky.  I'm not the only one who started off in Chinese, finished up in ConGen and got grouchy along the way.  If the same thing can happen to Katie and James (Rock Star in Dhaka), then I'm in really good company, because they're both really great people.  I think long-term training can really be trying to the soul.


The end.

Comments

[TSB]

If it was me, I'd put "EFM" after the name on my business card, the way people add professional certifications (like JD, CPA, PE, and so on).

[Consul-At-Arms]

Oh. My. God. That is the funniest thing I've read today (although _my_ EMF may not find it so amusing).

In the military, you'd be known as "Kitchen" (or "Household") "Six."

("Six" designates a commander and the word preceding indicates what you command.)

Best of luck with your remaining ConGen training. I'm singularly delighted that EFMs like yourself will once again be able to make the sort of substantive contributions to consular work that they/you did when I first was a vice consul.

Cheers!

[Camille]

I feel that worse than EFM is the phrase "Trailing Spouse". Excuuuuuse me? I don't trail nobody!

Seriously, State is crazy offensive sometimes!

[Donna]

Oh, calm yourself immediately, little EFM. You absolutely use your own name on your stuff. And your kids use theirs. They probably just wrote it that way so they didn't have to look up your name in their records. Save your freak outs for the big things, like when your sweet EFM self gets offered a sea slug at a dinner and you have to eat it. Because that's when you really need to freak out. Or, you know, tell the host "sorry, I'm just an EFM, so I don't have to eat that nasty stuff," and calmly pass the plate to your employee spouse. Hope you feel better now! Love, EFMGorman.

[Zoe]

I might send some mail to Mrs. EFM Adventure just to see whether it gets there ...

[Sadie]

This week’s State Department Blog Round Up is here, and you're on it!

http://sadieabroad.blogspot.com/2011/07/state-department-blog-round-up.html

Please let me know if you have any objections and would like to be removed. Thanks for the submission!

[Connie]

Well, if they're going to change your name, then perhaps you insist they spell it properly... perhaps Ee'effem

[TulipGirl]

Now that you have the official DPO address? Go ahead and put it into Amazon, now. Then you can always find it. And start ordering stuff. *grin*

It's exciting! So happy for you!

An address. . . a housing assignment. . . almost done with congen. . . woohoo!

[Chelsea]

Um... it's true. ;)

[brooke]

Kolbi -

Congrats on passing Congen! And thanks for the sweet email. I'm doing fine :) I just started my new job at the consulate and I got swamped for a while. But all is good and I'm back on the saddle.

I wanted to let you know also that I noticed our blog info on your blog could use a little update. It's like the least important thing in the world and you've been super busy, but when you have more than two breaths (please take one for yourself!) maybe you could update it to say something about Morocco? That way we could be helpful to anyone bidding here or whatever. Take care!