A Daring Adventure

(UN)Happy Chinese New Year (or: KILL ME)

Something called "Chinese New Year" has come to Chengdu. 


And it SUCKS.


It sucks in a get-me-the-HELL-out-of-this-place-RIGHT-NOW! kind of way. Which is why my happy, chirpy, I-love-it-here! blog posts have been temporarily interrupted by this seriously unhappy one.


Okay, first of all?  Chengdu has gone from a busy, bustling, open-restaurants-everywhere, people-everywhere place to a GHOST TOWN.  Check it, peepz... here's a picture of a totally deserted Chengdu street:





This street, with its shops and its vendors and its food for sale and its restaurants would normally have tons of people on it.  


But I know that the above picture doesn't adequately communicate "ghost town" to you, probably, since you haven't seen a picture of what it's usually like.  So let's see if I can do a better job of communicating "ghost town."


These are just a few of the zillions of shops that are closed (each metal garage door is a different closed shop or restaurant):





And these are closed, also:





And *these* are closed:





ALSO, YES, OF COURSE... CLOSED:





So, yeah, everything's all closed up in here.  


Which, in and of itself, would only be *sort of* creepy I guess (except for the fact that my happiness depends upon restaurants being open because otherwise I STARVE, which is because I don't know how to cook anything here and that's no joke, and it's not because I'm lazy)...


...but the worst part?  The bombs "fireworks."  And by "fireworks," I mean BOMBS.  At least, they sound like bombs. They do NOT sound like U.S. fireworks, which are all polite and sort of nice sounding.  Chinese fireworks sound like the city is being carpet bombed from the skies, and I am literally not kidding.  And since I can't do the sound justice, I will stop here with my pathetic descriptions that don't do the hideous sounds justice.  


But really?  This dude is NOT selling U.S. style fireworks:





I don't know what that crap is, but it makes the world sound like WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE, and I'm only half kidding because if polite U.S. firework-y sorts of things cause lots of injuries (anyone ever work in a U.S. Emergency Room on the 4th of July??) I literally can't imagine what damage these things inflict.  


And also, people literaly set them off right next to buildings and homes and other people and streets and cars and other people and each other.  IT IS FRIGHTENING.


And they make my windows rattle and the building rattle and my bed rattle and my teeth rattle and my brain rattle and yes, I may have gone outside and yelled obscenities at no one in particular and everyone in general. (In English, of course, because FSI didn't teach us how to say any of the good stuff.) Which might have made James laugh and threaten to post on Facebook that I did that.  And I was all: Go ahead, James!  Everyone on the internet already knows that I'm completely crazy! And he had to admit that I was right. 


So, yeah.  I absolutely HATE Chinese New Year.   


Which means that this blog post needs some balance.  Because even in the midst of my taking pictures yesterday for this I HATE CHINESE NEW YEAR blog post, I took some pictures of some things that I love.


I love this advertisement at a local clothing store:





The shirt's print is upside down so that he can see Mickey Mouse better, right?


And in the midst of the ghost-town-like deserted streets and closed up shops, there were still gorgeous Chinese babies to admire:




 
I mean, tell me she isn't the most beautiful thing ever:





Her proud Grandma wanted me to take about eleventy zillion pictures of her (and then show the pictures to them both on my camera's instant digital screen), and I was more than happy to oblige because, HELLO, Chinese babies are the most beautiful babies in the world.  


Know what else I love?  


These hideously ugly oranges:





They're so hideously ugly that, when you go to buy them in the store, you feel sort of stupid. Like you're the super dumb foreigner who's so super dumb that you're about to actually pay money for fruit that your eyes can plainly see is already rotten.  


But it's not rotten!  It actually tastes really yummy. And having yummy oranges here is a balm to this Floridian soul.


Last but not least, I think it's high time James's wardrobe got a bit of a Chinese update.  I mean, come on!  The man just got tenure!  Which means he can totally trade in some of that boring, yawn-y U.S. businessman clothing for something a bit more local, right? 


I'm having a hard time choosing which outfit I should buy for him.  On one hand, there's:





It's sassy!  It *so* breaks away from that unspoken, matchy-matchy State dress code! (Well, and the unspoken DS dress code is all the more boring conservative, but at least the mannequin totally has the Yes-I'm-DS-thankyouverymuch *stare* down pat!).  


But if you think THAT outfit is awesome, take a look at choice #2:





The tie is on a slant cut!  The shirt says "Hello! I just walked into the room! And I'm so self-assured, I can rock this epic print!"  

Oh, it's so hard to choose!  Anyone have a preference as to which one would be best for James?  I think, whichever one I get for him, I'll have to make sure he wears it during the next VIP visit.  Just so they get the ultimate immersion into the culture.


Anyhoo, HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR to those of you who don't actually hate it!  :)

 

The Awesomeness. It is EVERYWHERE. (And Also: How Not to be a LOSER.)

I have taken lots and lots of crappy pictures.  The pictures are crappy because, HELLO, I TOOK THEM, and also because I took them on my four-year-old iPod Touch**, which I think has something lame-o like a .000492 megapixel lens. Covered in a thick layer of grime.


[**Remember that for later in this blog post.]


And I haven't put said crappy pictures up on my blog before because, HELLO, THEY'RE CRAPPY, but you know what?  They do a great job of catching some of the seriously random stuff here in Chengdu that I don't always have my good camera around for.


So, you guys, HOW could I not share some of this awesomeness with y'all?  Such as...


Anyone hungry for a snack?  Anyone want some...





What? You don't want any FROG CRASH MILK??


Well, FINE THEN, you totally picky thing.  How about some:






Germ With Milk?  


Yes, sure, they didn't tell you WHICH germ you're having with your milk, but this is China and if you're too persnickety about food items here you just may starve to death. 


But I can tell that you're all freaky-deaky about new/different food, so we'll move on to something safe.


Like school supplies. 


Anyone need a new notebook for English class? 





You need a new English notebook because "Life is a long journey don t waste time to wait for those who don t and you would like to cooperate with people."  That's why.  Oh, and by the way... "My home have a little cat name flower."  


Does YOUR home have a little cat name flower?  No?  That's because you didn't buy your English books in China.


And speaking of stuff you haven't bought, have you bought an iPod yet?  


Because if you haven't bought an iPod yet:

YOU'RE A LOSER.


And yes, this is a REAL, huge, poster-sized advertisement at a REAL (fake) Apple store on the same street as the Consulate.  The Apple store looks 100% real but is 100% not real, but even the employees who work there think it is. 


Oh, China.  How I love you.  And I'm totally not even joking about that.  I. FREAKING. LOVE. THIS. PLACE.


And you know what else?  How I told you at the beginning of this blog post that I took all of these pictures with my super-old iPod Touch?  


The fake Apple Store would tell me that, since I own an iPod, I am therefore not a loser.  Oh, fake Apple Store.  If only it was THAT EASY to avoid loser-dom!
 

But you know who REALLY isn't a loser?  My friend Jill (The Perlman Update). My friend Jill who just singlehandedly resurrected the State Department Blog RoundUp FS BRU from death today and breathed new life into it! My friend Jill is a WINNER in every sense of the word. Oh, I just absolutely love that fabulous girlfriend of mine! 


And I love the rest of y'all as well. :)  


Frog Crash Milk, anyone?  I could probably totally mail you some, if you'd like...
 

Turns Out: I Haven't *Completely Destroyed* My Husband's Career!!

How do I know this?


Because the other morning we woke up to the awesome newz (delivered to us via my husband's Blackberry, who I long ago bitchily nicknamed "Your Girlfriend," as in I call out "Your girlfriend wants you!" when it rings or buzzes, so at least she delivers good news occasionally!) that


MY HUSBAND JUST GOT TENURE!!  


That's right: on his first try!   


Now, this is a big deal for anyone, right?  I mean, going from new-employee-who-can-be-fired-at-will-for-any-reason to real-employee-who-gets-to-actually-keep-this-job-long-term is a big deal no matter *who* you are.  We will be able to eat!  And have health insurance!  WOO-HOO! 


But there are bigger reasons why this is awesome, as well.  First of all, from a professional standpoint, James was worried because between getting hired and being up for tenure, he's been almost permanently in training.  The tenure process already is unknowable and mysterious, and the reasons why Person A gets it and Person B doesn't often aren't at all obvious or knowable, but the gossip has been that those who spend lots of time in training - particularly long-term language training like, oh, say, CHINESE, end up with EERs that are pretty much empty. Not. Good.


But then there was the OTHER reason to be worried that James wouldn't get tenure.  The big, huge, OBVIOUS reason that James wouldn't get tenure.  


Um, you're reading it.


Yes, my friends... THIS BLOG.  This blog (written by James' loudmouth wife).  She tries hard to be a good wife, bless her heart, but somehow her blog has gotten him in very deep trouble on multiple, multiple occasions.  Official, deep trouble, complete with meetings with high up people and unpleasant conversations.  On multiple occasions.  For multiple reasons.  Over the last few years.  One meeting of which included discussions regarding his upcoming tenure process.  The one he just got through, THANK GOD.  


So yes, I was worried.  


Over the years, this blog has disappeared and reappeared.  It has gone from having lots of State links on its sidebars and linking to other State bloggers to... not having or doing those things (very much).  It often hosted the Weekly Blog RoundUp (back to that in a second). You get what I'm trying to say.    


In fact, did you, by chance, read last month's edition of the Foreign Service Journal (the December 2011 issue)?  If you did, you might have seen the extremely well-written article (starting on page 13, and can be found here) by my dear friend, Matt Keene, regarding State Department bloggers and some of the extremely unpleasant things that have happened to them behind closed doors.  And if you read that article, you read several items about my blog and some of the things that have happened to James and me because of it.  You just didn't know that those parts were about me and James because I hadn't told you yet. But now you know.


The trouble James and I have received has weighed on us heavily. I have cried.  Oh, how I have cried.  I have offered a thousand times (begged, actually, some of them) to delete/be allowed to delete this blog in order to stop my husband from getting into trouble over and over again. The trouble which comes out of nowhere and can never be predicted. The trouble which comes only because some at State hate blogs and blogging.


But James has never let me.  And he has further told me to keep doing what I do and keep being who I am. To be brave.  On multiple occasions, he has told me those things.  Over many years.  Continuously.  


Blogging is very high stakes if you are an employee or EFM with State.  I cannot describe how high the stakes are.  Better, kinder, more talented bloggers than I have been forced to delete their blogs.  Behind closed doors, careers have been destroyed.  And no, I'm not talking about Mr. Publish-A-Book-About-Iraq-Guy or anything like that.  I'm talking about normal people normally blogging about their normal lives.  And then... they aren't.  There are ALWAYS backstories.  And I know some (most, perhaps?) of them.  And I grieve for them.  Because James and I have seen trouble, but are still here.  


I wish they were, too.


The "Tigers" can be anyone, my friends. They can be anyone anywhere at State who can leverage any authority or have any influence over an employee.  They're not just one department or one bureau or one piece of State or whatever.  Sure, they can be that employee's boss, of course... but they can also be their boss's boss, or boss's boss's boss, or anyone at post, or anyone in that section of the world, or anyone anywhere high enough to have any say over what happens to that employee, or anyone in any lateral piece or department who doesn't like blogging in general or that blog in particular.  


So today I celebrate that my husband now has tenure.  Thank you, Tenure Granting People, thank you.  Maybe you knew that James was THAT GUY whose wife has THAT BLOG... and maybe you didn't.  Maybe it wasn't an issue whatsoever... and maybe it was.  Maybe it was discussed and maybe it never came up.  He certainly, certainly deserved to get it, because he's fabulous at what he does.  


So, yes, the RoundUp.   


Which is BACK! ON!


Because my dear friend Jill (The Perlman Update) has taken the RoudUp and run with it!


So Jill is hosting the first week of the RoundUp's resurrection (publish date January 20th) and then Jill will be the new RoundUp hostess from now on - so GO JILL!  I look forward to seeing the RoundUp come back alive... helping people to connect with each other and helping us all share information about the crazy, fabulous, wonderful journey that this State life is.  And I'm grateful to Jill and to everyone else who loved having the RoundUp around and wanted it to come back!


It's a good day!


And if anyone official is having or would like to have a *substantive* dialogue about State blogging policies and how to make them better for the future... and wants to actually include a real, live blogger who has been through the fires multiple times from multiple sources for no good reason whatsoever (only because some folks at State hate blogging even while others are actively championing it**)... you know where to find me.  Because at some point, this has GOT to change.


** See that very first blog link on the right hand side of the official State.gov recruiting webpage?  IT'S MINE. 

Back to School Time - For Me, Too! (or: An EFM Job Update)

Lots of curious folks have asked what's new in my quest for getting a job here at post.  You know, the whole trying-to-get-an-EFM-job-at-post thing.


Just in case you've missed the story, the bottom line is that for a year I was in training at FSI (both in Chinese and in ConGen) in hopes to *qualify* for a certain job here at post (Professional Adjudication Specialist) in the Consular Section. But passing Chinese and ConGen were only the first steps in the quest to even qualify for this job... I have also gone through (and still would have to go through) other steps, as well.  


For example, I got to post in September, and I interviewed for the job in October. I was the only applicant for the position, so I guess I could make a joke here about how THE COMPETITION WAS FIERCE! (ha ha).  Somewhere along the line, I guess they decided to let me continue in the process for the job, because a few weeks after the interview I was told that the next step for me (in order to qualify for the job - I haven't been offered it yet) would be to go through the clearance process.  I applied for the clearance a few weeks ago.  It was quite a production.


After I clicked "send" or "submit" or whatever one clicks when one is totally done with all the eQUIP information gathering and compiling, I went on with my life.  I wasn't sure what to expect next.  Back when James was hired by DS in 2008, he was given phone numbers and email addresses that he could call or contact if he had questions or wanted to ask about updates... but I have nothing like any of that.  I actually pressed "send" or "submit" and then the window or page disappeared into never-never land, and that was all.  I didn't get any verification email or any "Okay! We got your application for your clearance!" notification or anything at all. Really- ever since submitting my stuff a few weeks ago, I've not heard one single thing about whether it was received or anything.  Who knows?  Maybe that's normal.


I've had people say to me, "Well, James is DS!  Surely James would know!" but James doesn't know.  I have heard rumors that other spouses in other countries who were hoping for jobs at post have been able to get something like a temporary clearance or an interim clearance that would allow them to start work immediately, but I have been offered no such thing. I've heard a rumor that interim clearances are only available in certain countries/posts and maybe mine isn't one of them. Who knows?  Certainly not I.  I mean, my clearance information was as spic and span as a real human being's can be, I would think. I didn't even have a single foreign contact or a single overseas visit anywhere.  I have good credit.  Again -who knows?  This process is a mystery.


After submitting all of the clearance information, I told myself that I would wait a while and see what happened. But since nothing has happened, I'm assuming that I won't get an interim clearance, and since I won't get an interim clearance, I'm assuming that, even if I am ultimately offered the job, it won't be for a long, long, LONG time.  We're talking multiple, multiple months.  I have heard rumors that EFM clearances can take up to 7 or 8 months to process... or more.  Again, who knows?  Certainly not I.  I'm just sort of along for the ride.


And you know what?  It's totally fine.  Truly and seriously.  Of course, if someone had told me right after I killed myself getting my 2/1+ in Mandarin and then, the next day, started (and then later passed) ConGen (all unpaid, of course, and with us not even being in Oakwood, but paying expensive rent that whole time) that I *wouldn't* have a job after I got to post, I would have pitched a royal hissy fit the size of Texas (as I am wont to do).  But now - it's actually, truly fine. 


One of the biggest reasons why I wanted the Chinese score and the Consular job here at post was because I really was seriously considering tossing my hat into the FSO ring.  You know, taking the test and hoping I could make it through the FSO hiring process.  I was hoping that my Chinese score and some time working in the Consulate would be beneficial for that (I mean, seriously, right now are *any* FSOs getting hired *without* language points?).  And maybe things will change... really, maybe they will... but at this point in time that ultimate goal/desire (to be an FSO when I grow up) has ebbed away and has been replaced with other interests. 


Bottom line?  I'm going back to school.  I'm starting on Monday morning with online classes (10 credit hours).  Yes, I have a Bachelor's Degree in Political Science from a good school, but I'm sort of toying with changing to something completely and totally different. As in, so different it isn't even in the State ball park.


I'm excited!  Being in Chinese showed me that my crotchety old brain could still handle rigorous studying.  That even when sitting in class with 20-year-olds, I could still hold my own academically. Big time.


So not only do my sons go back to school on Monday morning... so do I!  We'll see where this ends up. I may hate being back in school.  I may hate studying something other than politics.  But China has no bilateral work agreement, which means that I literally am not allowed to get a job anywhere in Chengdu other than at the Consulate, and I can't get a job at the Consulate without a clearance, and I have no idea what in the world will ultimately happen with that, so it's time to spread my wings and try something that isn't State-related.  If I like it, I like it, and if I don't... no harm done!  


At least it's something to do and be really excited about!  Which, for us EFMs, really is half the battle.  If not more.  And yes, I truly am excited!  Which is a huge, huge blessing.
 

 

I Would NEVER Do Such a Thing!

So this totally awesome lady who has a blog but who I won't link to because if anyone ever messes with her it will NOT be because the mess-er found her via a link on my blog linked to this totally hilarious and very irreverent article about totally idiotic diplomats.  But I would never EVER publicly link to such a hilarious article because, as I have told all of y'all before on multiple occasions, I am 


Not. Completely. Stupid.  


And also because I don't want my husband dragged into a dark room and flogged or something because his idiot wife went and acted out on her blog again, like always. 


But since said article is just totally way crazy, I just couldn't help but at least bring it up. You know.  As a conversation piece or whatever.


Ahem.


In other news, it used to be Christmas.  Which was... odd... in China.  Because here in China (or at least in Chengdu) people decorate for Christmas all the hell over the place and no one fights about whether that's acceptable or not.  Everywhere you go, you see Christmas decorations like:



 

and shopkeepers dressed up like at this store (the motto of which is "No Right Just Suitable") where they wore Santa hats for the occasion:





Yep, here places decorate and no one argues/debates about it.  Which was... surreal...because I would read on the internet how, back in the U.S., some shop refused to put a Christmas tree up or some town refused to let some Christmas banner hang and...yeah.  


I even had someone here in China, I am not making this up, note to me with utter confusion that one of the only places on the street where the Consulate is located that was NOT decorated at all on the outside for Christmas in any way whatsoever WAS THE U.S. CONSULATE.  And then they asked me, confusion in their voice, "Don't you Americans celebrate Christmas? I thought Americans celebrated Christmas!"


Um, YEAH.  Try explaining to someone in China all about how decorating for Christmas is all totally fought over in America... while standing outside a ton of Chinese places that are, themselves, decorated for Christmas.  


[I will note, however, that I didn't see a single Hanukkah decoration whatsoever here in Chengdu. Not. One.]


And that's not all!  Because this totally uncomfortable thing seriously happened to us.


Christmas Eve, James and I walked to our favorite little Chinese restaurant to eat dinner.  (The kind of little Chinese restaurant that is so yummy I literally cry when thinking about how, someday, we won't be here to eat its yummy food and also where you can get enough food to stuff four adults for about $9 USD.)  On the way there, I saw that some of the other pedestrians on the sidewalk had glossy fliers in their hands.  Glossy fliers with Christmas pictures and Christmas colors on them. And with the writing on the fliers being IN ENGLISH *AND* IN CHINESE. And I saw those fliers, but didn't think much about it, though they really were out of place, since I never ever see anything written in English.


Then, when we were eating in the restaurant, some Chinese folks with big smiles on their faces stopped by our table, wished us Merry Christmas (in Chinese), and handed us one of those same glossy Chinese/English fliers.  


Turns out, it was some sort of glossy flier about how Christmas is about Jesus and God, etc., etc., and you guys?  I'm not proud of my reaction.  I Totally. Freaked. Out. They had handed it to James and right after they walked away I quietly hissed to him across the table: "OHMYGOSH, JAMES, GET RID OF THAT THING!  GET RID OF THAT THING RIGHT NOW! WHAT IF SOMEONE SEES YOU WITH IT AND THINKS *WE'RE* THE ONES HANDING OUT THOSE RELIGIOUS FLIERS TO PEOPLE! GO THROW THAT THING AWAY!"


But then I felt like a total and complete nutjob (nothing new there) because I realized that some kind-hearted, Christian Chinese person probably thought that James and I were totally headed for hell and needed a serious Christmas Message. And, really, you guys?  If pretty much all I really knew about Americans was what I had seen either from Hollywood movies or from a bad translation of Desperate Housewives or Sex in the City or whatever (heaven help us all), I would totally be thinking that James and I probably needed a Christmas Message, too.


Talk about humbling.


Anyway, literally the day after Christmas - December 26th, no lie - every Christmas decoration vanished from the Chengdu streets/shops and Chinese New Year decorations appeared.


Except at this one high-end jewelry store.  THEY still have Christmas decorations up, even to this day, probably milking the Christmas gift giving thing for all it's worth.


So maybe America and China just really Aren't. That. Different. You know?  Except for the fact that it seems that it's easier to decorate for Christmas if you're in China... and Chinese.  Go figure.