Friendship, Expat Chick Style

Here's what I've learned about FS friendships: if your friends there at post are with State, then there's always a wall.


You can't help it, right? You can't help that there's a wall. Because, really, now, you can only talk about real stuff up to a point. Are you REALLY going to complain about everything that's bugging you? No, you're not. Because, come on, that's tacky. Because maybe what's bugging you is something that your friend's spouse's other friend happens to oversee, or whatever. It's just... tacky. Because everyone knows everyone else and there's no such thing as anonymity in the fakey fakey Everything is wonderful! world that is the fishbowl of the Foreign Service. 


So you sort of stick to polite stuff in FS friendships and if you complain to each other, it's only sort of vague. You know? 


So then a girlfriend of mine who has been in the FS for time and all eternity shared her secret of overseas survival with me: In order to not lose your mind, you HAVE TO have friends who 1.) live there at your post, but 2.) who are outside of State. People you can actually, really talk to so you don't go insane with all the fake politeness and the Oh, yes, everything is fantastic! garbage that you have to say 99.9% of the time. 


My first year here, I didn't have one of those kinds of friends. It sucked.


But now I do.

It was sort of sad, really, how quickly one starved-for-friendship expat wife (moi) can make friends with another starved-for-friendship expat wife. Seriously. Because I met this other lady and we were all: 1.) Wait, you have kids my kids' ages?!, and, more importantly, 2.) OUR HUSBANDS DON'T WORK IN THE SAME PLACE?!?

And right then and there it was ON:






Ah, you guys, there is nothing so wonderful as being able to actually TALK to another human female who is ACTUALLY THERE RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU (as in, not just on the phone) and who can therefore understand what you're saying about your city (because she lives as an expat there, too) but also is someone to whom you can say any darned thing you want, because you don't have to be fakey fake with her because she's not State.


HEAVENLY. 


Everyone should have at least one friend like this at post. It's a soothing balm to the soul.


So my soul-balm friend and I have been out and about, seeing Chengdu. We went to a Buddhist monastery recently and she took some pics with her iPhone and sent them to me.


Seeing as that I haven't taken any pictures of China for a long time, I wanted to put them up here.

Hello from a Buddhist monastery in Chengdu! And yes, I really do have hair in real life.

 

Seriously, sometimes living in China ROCKS. Isn't this place pretty?

 

I love this tree. It's like a bonsai tree or something, but it's probably about as tall as I am.

Outside of the monastery, there's always incense burning. It really smells wonderful, though I'm allergic to it most of the time.

Inside the monastery, there are places for one to sit during prayers/reflection/etc.

So there you have it.


Non-State girlfriends at post. I HIGHLY recommend them. In addition to the State ones, as well, of course. Those are good, too. Because, seriously - who the heck else will be able to understand bidding and bureaucratic red tape woes?!  :)

Comments

[TG]

I am very thankful that I was given the gift of a good girlfriend (who *shock* is connected to State) almost as soon as we arrived. And, in spite of everything, we can be transparent about the sucky stuff as well as the good stuff. It really DOES help that this is a largish post and her husband and my Hubby will nevereverever work together.

But you are SO right. So much we have to hold our tongues about with most people. . .

Which isn't all bad. . .

Thankful you have a good girlfriend there.

[naoma lee]

So glad you've found a good friend. It really is so important, isn't it? Just to have someone who you can be for real with (& vice versa). Never realize how essential it is until you move to a new post and have to weather a bit of time without one & it taints my whole view of my new country. Donna (Email From the Embassy) had a good word for it when I was moaning on blog about it one day, "You haven't found your tribe yet...." That's what it is. A circle of friends (even if it's just one) is so important.

NKL

[naoma lee]

...wait a minute. I think the comment above mine from "TG" is TulipGirl, which means she and I were talking about eachother as we wrote this. =) That thar is one of my tribe mates and as she said *shocker* we are both with State. But those friendships are few and far between. I also tend to choose people who AREN'T with State on purpose because they stay in the country longer than we do. Selfish me. I want to move before they do.

[Tracy]

I've struggled with this very thing. I am not with DOS (yet!) but am a military wife and our situations share many similarities. I really don't do the "military wife thing" i.e. attend FRG meetings or the coffees or girls night out. In fact, we strategically bought a house as far from the military base as comfortably possible. I struggled with my non-MIL friends b/c it was tough being constantly turned down to hang b/c well, their husbands were always home or them having a hard time understanding just how intense and insane my life was.

So I went and got me some MIL girlfriends and that backfired as well b/c 1) they only seemed interested in ****-measuring contests when it came to the careers of our husbands and 2) they ditched you the second their husband came home (I can remember asking a friend to coffee after getting a phone call about a fire fight my husband had been involved in and not being told his fate--she turned me down in my time of massive distress b/c her husband *might* return home from riding his bike with friends in a few hours). But the second their husbands were gone again they wanted to hang 24/7. I like my friends to be there regardless of deployments.

So I went BACK to trying to find non-MIL friends. What I have found for me, personally, is the MIL/non-MIL status doesn't mean a thing and it just plain comes down to the character of the person. I love my mix of those "in" and those "not in" the lifestyle LOL!