A Daring Adventure

Loud and Clear

Of all four of our family members, I think it can safely be said that I like China and Chengdu the most. By far. Because I really, really do like it. There is something amazing about being immersed in another country, and I am incredibly grateful that the people of Chengdu look at me and my family members with interest and even curiosity rather than hostility, as I know happens in some other countries to other Foreign Service families. 


I mean, duh, right? Americans aren't, you know, universally loved everywhere around the globe. 


Were the tables turned, and *I* was the native Chengdu-ian and *someone else* was the white (obviously American) lady coming into my shop to, oh, buy fruit/get a foot massage/what have you, I would have every reason to assume that she can't speak a word of Chinese beyond maybe saying hello (ni hao). If she even knew how to say that.


And that's the assumption that is always made about me.


I totally don't blame Chinese folks in the slightest that they assume that I can't speak or understand Chinese. Because they're correct 99.9% of the time... the vast majority of shopping white ladies here probably can't understand much of anything that is said in Chinese around them. Which isn't their fault, of course - not all wives (by any stretch of the imagination) have gotten the opportunity to study the language before accompanying their husbands overseas. 


But the same isn't true about *me*.


Because, even though my 2/1+ in Mandarin doesn't get me too far, it DOES get me far enough. And the same goes for James, who has a 2/2.


We hear. We understand. We know.


Sometimes Americans don't meet the Chinese standard of what people should look like. Some are taller or stockier than the norm here. Here in China, when you are physically outside the standard or norm, the method used to bring you back into the cultural parameters of how this society says you "should look" is OPEN HONESTY and even public ridicule. No - oh, maybe we shouldn't say that because it will hurt people's feelings - and no - oh, maybe this will damage their self-esteem.


Nope.


If the Chinese think you are too fat, then they will straight up tell you: You are too fat. And then they will laugh at you. As will others within earshot. Who will then probably, themselves, repeat the charge. Because everyone knows that you are too fat. To them, it's obvious. To them, saying these things isn't taboo at all. James and I understand EXACTLY what is being said if we are there to hear it. Sometimes, people who are too fat or too this or too that are even asked by incredulous questioners: Why are you so fat? 


Not so fun. 


                                            ~   ~   ~


The other morning, I was in a little fruit shop buying some fruit. The sales girls behind the counter were talking about me. I just let them talk. They weren't saying anything bad about me - but I was very much an object of intense curiosity. One of them even said I'm sure she doesn't understand us. I let them keep talking until I went to the counter to pay. 


Then I broke out the Chinese.  It's not the best Chinese in the universe, but it is good enough to get eyebrows raised, shocked looks, and to be able to answer all of their questions:


Them:  "You speak Chinese really well!"


Me: "Thank you, but I think I speak Chinese really badly."


Them: "Do you live here?"


Me: "Yes, I live here."


Them: "How long have you lived here?"


Me: "Oh, about seven months."


Them: "What country are you from?"


Me: "I'm an American. I studied Mandarin back in America before I came here."


I paid for the fruit without fumbling with the money (because I understood exactly what the cost was, and I knew how to pay in kuai even though it's different than dollars), put the fruit in my bag, and then bid them goodbye.


::continued shocked looks:: 


                                             ~   ~   ~


One of the most wonderful things about Chengdu is that you can get FANTASTIC foot or even whole body massages for a tiny fraction of the price that they would be back in the U.S.


Heavenly.


I have taken Matthew with me several times.


On the vast majority of those occasions, I have listened to the conversations between the girl massaging *me* and the girl massaging *Matthew*. And they talk about him.


He's so tall! So very tall. And so handsome, they will giggle. They have universally assumed that he goes to college here. Once or twice they have (correctly) assumed that he is an American, that he is the son of someone at the U.S. Consulate nearby, and that he is here because of that.


They pay him particular attention.


On more than one occasion, they have assumed that Matthew and I are a couple. Which is when I rouse from my not-speaking-Chinese-but-just-enjoying-the-massage-stupor to set the record straight: 


Me: "Um, NO. He's my SON. He's my oldest SON."


Them: "Oh! You speak Chinese! He's your son?!"


Me: "Yes. I am very old."


Them (*giggling*): "You are not old! You look very young!"


Me: "Thank you. But yes, I am very old. Very, very old."


Them: "He is very handsome! Does he go to Sichuan University?"


Me: "No, he is in high school."


Them: "High school! But he looks so old! And so very tall! How old is he?"


Me: "He's 18 years old."


And the conversation continues. Because once my cover is blown and it is demonstrated that I can speak enough Chinese that we can at least have a rudimentary conversation, I know that we will all be talking during the duration of my time there. And that 99.9% of the conversation will be about Matthew. 


Yes, he plays basketball. He likes math. Yes, he's an American. We both are. The conversation continues...


Which is, you know, fine. Because I like being able to show that, yes, sometimes the Americans here can speak your language enough to communicate even a bit.


It makes me feel good.  


Most of the time.

In Which The Whole EFM-Job-for-Me-Thing Comes to An End

Last you heard, it was Chinese New Year here and people were bombing the place. I am happy to report that Chinese New Year is now OVER (YAY!), and life here in Chengdu has gotten back to normal.  Which is totally awesome.  And I want to write about it - I really do - but I feel like I have one last EFM Job type of blog post I have to write for you guys before I can permanently move on to other topics. Forever.


Okay, so, on the EFM-Job-for-Me topic, the last you guys heard was that I had submitted my e-Quip on December the 1st (which is how one starts one's clearance process.  Mine was 33 pages... how long was yours?) and then didn't hear anything at all back about it.  And so I decided that I just couldn't take being at post and literally not having anything at all to do, so I started back to school doing something completely and totally non-State.  Because being at post without having anything at all to do is lonely.  And isolating.  And depressing.


Time went by.  It was getting into February without my having heard a single word about the clearance I had submitted on December 1st.  An irritating aspect of this is that I never ever - not EVER - got a single shred of paper or email or directions or instructions or anything at all that told me how to follow up about my clearance to check its progress or find out if everything was okay with it. 


And just in case anyone wants to be let into the real story behind the front door of our apartment, James and I went through some tense discussions about what we should do next.  Since I have now been through this horrible EFM job process, I am therefore very, very sympathetic to EFMs worldwide who are trying desperately to get jobs.  Because China and the US don't have a bilateral work agreement, I'm literally not allowed to work anywhere but the Consulate, so that just ups the emotional ante (never mind the fact that I trained at FSI for a whole year, UNPAID, in hopes of being able to get this job).  


And my opinion is that the fact that my husband is DS should not in any way benefit me as it relates to my job application process.  Because not all EFMs are married to DS, that's why.


So I wanted to refuse to let James "help" me figure out what was going on with my clearance.  And by "help" me, I mean that I initially refused to allow James to pass along to me the general email box email address for the clearance people in DC. If State wanted me to have that email address, I told him, then they could very well give it to me (or have given it to me) themselves. That it was absurd that I'm sitting at post five months after getting here, SEVEN months after being qualified for the job (the day I graduated from ConGen I was qualified for the job, since I had already passed Chinese) and not only had I not even been offered the job, I didn't even have any way to contact anyone in DC to ask about my clearance.  That all the other EFMs worldwide hoping for jobs weren't married to DS guys who happened to have been communicating with the clearance people for other reasons and could therefore pass their general email address along to their applicant wives who were in the dark about their own clearances.


James argued that the cobbler's wife may well go without shoes, but his wife wasn't going to go without a clearance update seeing as that he knew the general email box address of the clearance people and could give it to me.  That any and all active State applicants are SUPPOSED TO get this general email address during the clearance process, so his giving it to me isn't some sort of you're-sleeping-with-a-DS-Agent-advantage.  Both of us completely agreed that HIS directly asking anyone for an update about my clearance was COMPLETELY off the table, so the only thing left was for ME to ask.  He gave me the email address and basically told me FOR THE LOVE OF GOD to just email the people already and be done with it so we could move on.   


So I did.  I used the email address James gave me (if any EFM needs it, just email me. I'm happy to share!) and I wrote an email to the clearance people.  I provided my name, DOB, SSN, position for which I was being considered, current post, date I'd submitted my eQuip paperwork online, etc.  And then I waited for their update. 


Three days later, the clearance people in DC wrote me back.  This was literally what they said, word for word, verbatim, in their email to me:


"We have no record of you in our system.  Did you apply with the Department of State?"


Of course, I was thinking only in CAPS and italics.  And probably four-letter-words, to be perfectly honest.  For so long - SO LONG - I had pushed the chain that was this job and had come on my blog (and ranted and cried) and whined to my husband (and ranted and cried) and called my parents (and ranted and cried) and emailed my girlfriends (and ranted and cried), and this email from the clearance people was just the icing on the cake.


But then, after ranting and crying, I calmed down.  And I thought for a really long time.  


And I thought.


And I thought.


And during my thoughts, I faced reality.  


The reality, my friends, is that even if I re-started my clearance process now, in February, I wouldn't have my clearance until probably the fall.  If then.  Let's not forget that EFM clearances can take even up to eight months or more, I've heard, when you're overseas, which could put me into October or beyond, even.  Which would give me just nine or ten months left at post during which I could work before we would leave.  And during that short time, we'd also be taking a long R&R and getting ready to move.  And also, by then my FSI Chinese would be even more far gone than it is now (I've lost a ton of it), my oldest son would be in what may be his last year living in my home (he'll be a senior), and, even bigger than these issues, I would have to completely give up going to school in order to work full-time.  And I sure have liked being back in school.  


And during my thoughts, I also realized that maybe, just maybe, the reason why this whole EFM-employment-journey has been so horribly difficult for me has been because it wasn't meant to be.  You know, sometimes, when you want something really badly and you fight and claw and scratch for it and it doesn't happen - and you're mad and angry and furious - but then, later, you realize that it just wasn't meant to be?  Yeah.  Maybe that was what was going on here.  


So I said thank you, but I've decided to withdraw my name from consideration for the position.  

                                                   ~   ~   ~


I don't regret the journey.  Because, frustrating and painful though it has been every single step of the way, this last more-than-a-year of howling after the EFM job moon has also been powerfully instructive.  Language was torturous, and I don't think I'll ever use my score, but it showed me that I could still kick some serious booty in the classroom (I took the test a month early and got a better score than my target).  ConGen was interesting, and gave me some great insight into what goes on internationally with immigration law and what goes on in the Consular section of our Consulates and Embassies worldwide.  Trying to apply for an EFM job at post has shown me the realities of what EFMs face every day, and it is something that I don't believe I will ever seek again.  


So I'm moving forward.  I'm planning my online classes out through the rest of the time we have here in Chengdu.  I'm getting braver and venturing out into the community and doing things that I love doing and that feed my soul and my mind.  I'm finding my joy, and I hope and pray that other EFMs are finding theirs, also.  We are not alone - we have each other.  


And just in case any of you guys are wondering - I literally have no idea what went wrong with my clearance. Maybe it was never submitted to the people in DC.  Maybe it was actually submitted, but was never received by the people in DC.  Maybe it was both submitted to and received by the people in DC, and then subsequently lost or something.  I have no idea, and neither does James.  Neither of us has heard a single word about it. 


The only email or communication I have ever gotten from State about my clearance was the one I quoted to you, above.  And since I have withdrawn myself from consideration for the position, I'm sure I'll never hear anything further.  But it isn't too thrilling that, somewhere in the cyberspace-y universe (that is very vast), 33 pages of my PII are floating in limbo, and we have no idea who has all of that personal information about me.  It's the sort of thing that would keep DS-y sorts of folks awake at night, you know?  But some mysteries will never be solved, my friends, and this is probably one of them.  


And thus closes the final chapter of my quest for EFM job-y sorts of things.  Or even non-EFM job-y sorts of things, since I am no longer interested in trying to become an FSO. 


The end.

Back to School Time - For Me, Too! (or: An EFM Job Update)

Lots of curious folks have asked what's new in my quest for getting a job here at post.  You know, the whole trying-to-get-an-EFM-job-at-post thing.


Just in case you've missed the story, the bottom line is that for a year I was in training at FSI (both in Chinese and in ConGen) in hopes to *qualify* for a certain job here at post (Professional Adjudication Specialist) in the Consular Section. But passing Chinese and ConGen were only the first steps in the quest to even qualify for this job... I have also gone through (and still would have to go through) other steps, as well.  


For example, I got to post in September, and I interviewed for the job in October. I was the only applicant for the position, so I guess I could make a joke here about how THE COMPETITION WAS FIERCE! (ha ha).  Somewhere along the line, I guess they decided to let me continue in the process for the job, because a few weeks after the interview I was told that the next step for me (in order to qualify for the job - I haven't been offered it yet) would be to go through the clearance process.  I applied for the clearance a few weeks ago.  It was quite a production.


After I clicked "send" or "submit" or whatever one clicks when one is totally done with all the eQUIP information gathering and compiling, I went on with my life.  I wasn't sure what to expect next.  Back when James was hired by DS in 2008, he was given phone numbers and email addresses that he could call or contact if he had questions or wanted to ask about updates... but I have nothing like any of that.  I actually pressed "send" or "submit" and then the window or page disappeared into never-never land, and that was all.  I didn't get any verification email or any "Okay! We got your application for your clearance!" notification or anything at all. Really- ever since submitting my stuff a few weeks ago, I've not heard one single thing about whether it was received or anything.  Who knows?  Maybe that's normal.


I've had people say to me, "Well, James is DS!  Surely James would know!" but James doesn't know.  I have heard rumors that other spouses in other countries who were hoping for jobs at post have been able to get something like a temporary clearance or an interim clearance that would allow them to start work immediately, but I have been offered no such thing. I've heard a rumor that interim clearances are only available in certain countries/posts and maybe mine isn't one of them. Who knows?  Certainly not I.  I mean, my clearance information was as spic and span as a real human being's can be, I would think. I didn't even have a single foreign contact or a single overseas visit anywhere.  I have good credit.  Again -who knows?  This process is a mystery.


After submitting all of the clearance information, I told myself that I would wait a while and see what happened. But since nothing has happened, I'm assuming that I won't get an interim clearance, and since I won't get an interim clearance, I'm assuming that, even if I am ultimately offered the job, it won't be for a long, long, LONG time.  We're talking multiple, multiple months.  I have heard rumors that EFM clearances can take up to 7 or 8 months to process... or more.  Again, who knows?  Certainly not I.  I'm just sort of along for the ride.


And you know what?  It's totally fine.  Truly and seriously.  Of course, if someone had told me right after I killed myself getting my 2/1+ in Mandarin and then, the next day, started (and then later passed) ConGen (all unpaid, of course, and with us not even being in Oakwood, but paying expensive rent that whole time) that I *wouldn't* have a job after I got to post, I would have pitched a royal hissy fit the size of Texas (as I am wont to do).  But now - it's actually, truly fine. 


One of the biggest reasons why I wanted the Chinese score and the Consular job here at post was because I really was seriously considering tossing my hat into the FSO ring.  You know, taking the test and hoping I could make it through the FSO hiring process.  I was hoping that my Chinese score and some time working in the Consulate would be beneficial for that (I mean, seriously, right now are *any* FSOs getting hired *without* language points?).  And maybe things will change... really, maybe they will... but at this point in time that ultimate goal/desire (to be an FSO when I grow up) has ebbed away and has been replaced with other interests. 


Bottom line?  I'm going back to school.  I'm starting on Monday morning with online classes (10 credit hours).  Yes, I have a Bachelor's Degree in Political Science from a good school, but I'm sort of toying with changing to something completely and totally different. As in, so different it isn't even in the State ball park.


I'm excited!  Being in Chinese showed me that my crotchety old brain could still handle rigorous studying.  That even when sitting in class with 20-year-olds, I could still hold my own academically. Big time.


So not only do my sons go back to school on Monday morning... so do I!  We'll see where this ends up. I may hate being back in school.  I may hate studying something other than politics.  But China has no bilateral work agreement, which means that I literally am not allowed to get a job anywhere in Chengdu other than at the Consulate, and I can't get a job at the Consulate without a clearance, and I have no idea what in the world will ultimately happen with that, so it's time to spread my wings and try something that isn't State-related.  If I like it, I like it, and if I don't... no harm done!  


At least it's something to do and be really excited about!  Which, for us EFMs, really is half the battle.  If not more.  And yes, I truly am excited!  Which is a huge, huge blessing.
 

 

Triumph, with a Side of Gloating.

As some of you may recall, I have stayed at home with my two sons (now, ages 17 and 13) for the last eleven years and have homeschooled them both that whole time.


Homeschooling isn't very socially acceptable yet, I have found.  Oh, sure... not a whole lot of homeschoolers are arrested nationwide anymore (some are, though) as the laws slowly change to make homeschooling more acceptable (once each state's government decides just how much of your homeschooling life it demands control over)... but, by and large, whenever I have told people that our family was homeschooling, the reaction universally was negative in some form or another.


(And if you don't believe me when I say that homeschooling is generally looked upon very negatively in our society, just do this little exercise:  Imagine that the mother or father of a homeschooling family decides to run for President of the United States and picture just how far he or she would get. I rest my case.)


So I didn't talk about it much. I built up a sort of a scab over my wounded heart and kept quietly homeschooling. Much of the time, even family members were less than thrilled about our choice, but we were homeschooling because if we didn't, the boys would never see James (due to James' work schedule and/or the fact that we've moved so often, etc.).  It was a choice we made so that we could be together as a family as much as possible and so the boys would see their father. And it worked - we've been able to spend time together as a family even through James working night shifts and going through DS training, etc., and the kids and I have always traveled/moved with him wherever he has gone.


Over the years, I have endured much rudeness about homeschooling. People telling me, either directly or indirectly, that my boys would end up social outcasts, or not learn as much as they would if they were in school, or that THEY could NEVER homeschool THEIR KIDS, blah blah blah (what I always wanted to respond was: "I could never homeschool your kids, either!").  I spent many an evening Googling stories of homeschoolers who had grown up and done well, just to try to make myself feel like it really COULD all turn out okay, in the end.  


As a homeschooling mother, I flogged myself into knowing absolutely everything about every curriculum for sale to homeschoolers so that I could make "the perfect choice" regarding curricula for each subject. I inwardly yelled at myself for not doing enough, or taking too many days off, or not having a structured schedule like everyone else, etc.  (We leaned a bit to the "unschooling" side of things sometimes.)  I wondered if everyone who judged me could be right - if homeschooling WAS a lesser choice - because, let's face it... a homeschooling day can be long and thankless and lonely sometimes.  That and the homeschooling community really does tend to be extremely OCD/perfectionistic, and we all sort of compare ourselves to each other and always believe ourselves to come up lacking.


I also tend to do many things differently than other people.  While 99.999% of all Foreign Service families seem to choose their children's schools before even arriving at post (sometimes months or years in advance!), I am not like that.  When we were preparing to move to Chengdu, I knew that there were a few different international schools to choose from, but I utterly refused - REFUSED - to be pressured by forces outside our family into choosing one prior to our arrival at post. (Mercifully, James felt the same way.)  I also wanted to hedge my bets and keep my options open.  Namely, that if I got here to China and I didn't like any of the international schools, I was going to homeschool and just let everyone judge me and think I was crazy.  NOTHING NEW THERE.


A few days after arriving in Chengdu, we toured the international school that was our potential top choice. Both boys really liked it - the facilities, the administration, and the teachers all seemed wonderful.  


But... BUT... we were career homeschoolers, with not a single transcript or single standardized test score to our names.  (Yes, you read that correctly.  Not a single standardized test score.  I have never once had my children take any of those horrible things that I believe are ruining our entire educational system.)  No transcripts meant no grades, no levels, no NOTHING.  Sure, some homeschooling moms create what are nicknamed "Mommy Transcripts," but I figure those aren't worth anything to a school. It's not accredited so it has no weight.  


When we visited the international school, I sat with the boys and the administration and we went over what subjects they'd taken with me, at home, in the past.  It wasn't such a big deal for Zachary, at the start of his 7th grade year, but the stakes were higher for Matthew (starting 11th).  The school decided that it was going to sit my boys down and test the heck out of them.  I figured, okay, that sounds reasonable.  We've come to the point where testing was pretty much the only weapon in the aresenal, and, besides, a school needs to be able to evaluate incoming students, especially those with not a single piece of paper to their names. 


I'll admit - I was nervous.  Okay, I was terrified.  The boys had never tested before and, to be quite honest, to say that last year was a homeschooling nightmare would be an understatement.  In my pursuit of my passing score in Chinese at FSI a full month ahead of my allotted time (EFM issues!), I studied like a lunatic and pretty much ignored my children.  They pretty much did their work on their own and only got whatever leftover time or energy I could give.


(Which also earned me derision on my own blog.  I still remember the cruel comments I got when I tearfully talked about how hard it was to balance FSI with homeschooling.  At the time, I wanted to write something pithy like: BITE ME, PEOPLE BEING MEAN TO ME!, but I refrained.) 


Matthew (my 17 year old) sat for the hours-long testing first.  I waited downstairs in the school's waiting area.  The school was going to wait until after Matthew's test results before talking about what classes it was going to allow him to be placed into. Again, very reasonable.  I sat, pretending to read a book, praying and worrying and trying not to vomit.  


Hours later, Matthew and the cutie-pie guidance counselor (I swear, teachers nowadays look like they're 16 years old!  This is probably because I'm ancient.) emerged from the stairwell, and I could tell that Matthew had done splendidly.  Even though the prior academic homeschooling year was a MEGA FAIL, even though he'd been on perpetual vacation for months (due to packout and traveling and visiting family), even though he couldn't review anything at all prior to the testing (it's not like our school books fit in our suitcases!), he had blown every piece of the test away.  I nearly started crying from the relief and the joy.


The school took one look at his scores and placed him in all manner of awesome classes.  And I am convinced that his experience this year at the international school will be priceless and far, FAR better than anything I could ever even dream of providing for him myself. 


A few days later, it was Zachary's turn (my 13 year old).  Same thing... hours of testing while I nearly developed ulcers waiting for him to be finished.  Same results - he did well, and even better than "well" in some areas, getting scores that would, in the US, qualify him for the gifted program. In fact, in a few subjects, the issue of having him skip a grade was even discussed, though in the end we decided to keep him with his age group for all subjects.


Both boys are now at the International school.  It's been a challenge... entering the school year six weeks after it started, especially since they haven't gone to school before.  But they LOVE their teachers and their school, and they've already made tons of friends and have learned so much!  It's a gift - a huge gift - I can't even describe the gift.


I don't see us ever returning to homeschooling.  Matthew will graduate here, with honors, and as long as we can "stay out" (very, VERY hard in DS!), I see only International schools in Zachary's future. 

So now the homeschooling chapter of our lives seems to have come to a close. (Oh, mercy, I'm so going to start crying.)  I can't even tell you how glad I am that we homeschooled.  I would make the same exact choice if I had it to do all over again.  


And you know what?  The days that we blew the schedule, the days that we goofed off or hung out with friends instead, the days that we just sort of sat around as a family... at the time, those days always left me feeling so guilty and so inadequate.  We had blown our schedule!  And were now "behind!"  (Whatever THAT means.) But now, looking back, THOSE WERE OUR BEST HOMESCHOOLING DAYS.  And I wish I'd treasured them and appreciated them instead of letting them make me feel so guilty.


If any homeschoolers are still reading... maybe because you, also, have Googled stories about people who have homeschooled for decades and had it turn out well, in spite of your failures as a mother or teacher... I would encourage you to:


Be kind to yourself

Treasure each day as much as you can, even if the day seems like a failure

Have more fun

Take more breaks

Relax if the schedule sometimes goes right out the window

See the genius in your children - not what *you* want them to learn, but what *they* want to learn

Use your library cards more and your curriculum less

Remember that you will turn around what seems like tomorrow and they will be grown

Know that you will be grateful you did this

Know that it will all be worth it and your children will be JUST FINE, if not *better* than fine!


And someday, sometime, they will be ready to leave your educational sphere and will be strong on their own and all will be well.  I wish I'd tried harder to enjoy the journey, rather than fretting so much about what the outcome was going to be.


A few days ago, James and I attended Parent/Teacher conferences at the boys' new school.  Every teacher - EVERY teacher - without exception - told us how great the boys were doing and what wonderful boys they are.  How they're joys to have in the classroom, liked by the other students and teachers, etc., etc.


One chapter of our lives closes, and another one begins... and I'm going to try harder to enjoy the ride.

All The Glamorous Stuff You've Missed!

Hey, you guys!  Long time no see!


[But before we all catch up and stuff, I just want to thank Ogles & Observations for volunteering at the last minute to host this week's State Department Blog RoundUp!]


Okay, so, you've missed a lot, right?  Such as:


1.)  My oldest son sat in a wheelchair and tied a diaper around his face.  No, really!  See?





Okay, okay, maybe the "diaper" that's tied around his face is actually a newfangled ice pack 'specially made for, like, tying around faces and stuff.  And maybe he was in a wheelchair because he was in the hospital because he had all of his wisdom teeth removed under general anesthesia. 


And maybe he had to be put under general anesthetic because his gag reflex is so bad that even the doctor acting like he was going to look at my son's teeth made my son... you know... reflexively gag.  It's stuff like that that buys you hospital visits and general anesthesia, kid.  Lesson learned.


2.)  I graduated from ConGen!  And I didn't even fail one single test! 


The last couple of weeks of ConGen included stuff having to do with American Citizen Services things that goes on overseas, such as what happens if and when American citizens either die or go to jail in other countries.  Which actually happens in real life, my teachers told me.  Which all sounds so sad.  So let's not talk about it, okay?  I don't want to cry.


3.)  After graduating from ConGen, I then took a two-day class called "1001 Ways State Department People Die Overseas." 


Ha ha!!  That's not its real name, of course!  But it could be, which is scary. 


There's, like, FIRE and CAR ACCIDENTS and PESTICIDES and CAR ACCIDENTS and RAPE and CAR ACCIDENTS and MURDER and CAR ACCIDENTS and KIDNAPPING and CAR ACCIDENTS and DROWNING IN POOLS and CAR ACCIDENTS and CARJACKINGS and CAR ACCIDENTS and BOMBINGS and CAR ACCIDENTS**... do you see a theme here?  I'll just bet you do, because you're very smart. 


[**Which is all most interesting, especially since all manner of Congresspeople want to quit paying State employees huge chunks of their salary while they're posted overseas.]  


The best part of the class was that I got to sit next to one of my favoritest people ever - Digger at Life After Jerusalem - which just goes to show that sometimes The Universe is nice to me and does something to improve my pre-moving, wishing-for-death-anyway morale.


She pretty much could have, like, TAUGHT the class because she's been through some of what they talked about in the class.  But she was a student instead of a teacher which was all the better for me because I had a hilarious/witty friend to sit with!


4.)  James and I pack out soon (this coming Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday).  We will pack out EVERYTHING WE OWN from our rental house, since we PCS'ed here a year ago.  That means we have UAB, HHE, Storage *AND* Consumables.


And not only do we have normal Consumables, but my husband's job title + some sort of rules = we only get ONE Consumables shipment the whole entire time we're in China (2 years).  Which means no additional or add-on shipments for us.  Which means I'm buying everything we need for all two years. 


Oh, the joy. 


So our days have looked a lot like this:






Which is James IN THE RAIN, outside of Costco, navigating river puddles while his wife snaps pictures of his suffering for her blog. 


Because that's the sort of awesome, helpful, loving wife that I am. 


The above picture represents about $940 worth of Costco consumables.  Which means that the other $3,000+ that we've already spent during other shopping trips to other places isn't pictured.  But you're smart so you can just sort of picture all of that in your mind. 


When all is said and done, I'm thinking we're going to be a good $5,000 into Consumables for our 2 years in China.  And I'm sure I'm going to forget a whole freaking lot of stuff and feel like a total moron when I unpack our consumables in China months from now and realize that I bought eleventy bazillion of X but none of Y.  I'M BRACED FOR IT.  BRING IT ON, FEELING STUPID - I'M A PRO AT THAT BY NOW.


So now you're sort of caught up!  Sorry I was gone so long, but in balancing class at FSI with a family *and* getting ready to move overseas... well... internet time was the first thing to go! 


T minus THREE DAYS to packout!

A Really Strange Day & Why No Love for the DS Agents?!

So I was perusing the totally nifty videos on State's Official Page of People Doing Awesome Stuff (gosh, I *love* the video titled "Michelle and Mary," by the way!), and you know what I realized?!


If you scroll down past all the Foreign Service Officer Awesomeness Stories, you get a set of Foreign Service Specialist Awesomeness Stories.  And you know what?  There's not ONE SINGLE VIDEO of any DS Agents!  There are two Security Engineering Officers and a Security Technical Specialist... but not a single Agent.


Yo, whassup with THAT?! 


                                                 ~  ~  ~






In other news, today is a really strange day.  I don't know if you already heard about this, but FSI is closed today.**  Here's how this went down.


[**For all but a small subsection of people, like those going to Iraq and stuff, etc.  But for language and regular training people, CLOSED.]


Late yesterday afternoon, we trainee folks were wrapping up our last classes when, all of a sudden, the FSI building lost power.  It was very bizarre!  And then it started getting a little warmer in the building, and a little warmer...


Anyway, classes were sent home (only the tiniest bit early). 


Then, this morning, James and I got a phone call from a friend who had gotten to FSI before we left home.  FSI was still closed, she told us!  And it was going to be closed all day today!  Some lady was actually standing outside of FSI with a big sign (!!) which listed off the small subsection of people who were still required to enter the (stifling?  I don't know...) building for training.  The rest of us were cut loose for the day.


Our first reaction was horror.  Because you cannot miss even a single class of ConGen and still graduate, which means that somewhere the folks running ConGen have a HUGE headache on their hands.  How to re-structure the classes missed without it being a gigantic problem?  And also, James and I are in the middle of planning every last second of our travel plans post-FSI and pre-Chengdu, complete with plane tickets and hotel stays.  Will this FSI shutdown end up derailing our lives? (We hope not.  James thinks not.)


But, on the other hand, James and I just had to laugh.  Because we were here ALL LAST WINTER, and not a single day was lost to snow.  Not *one* snow day!  Sure, I think one morning we had a delayed opening by two hours, but that's all, and stuff still opened by 9:30 am, if I remember correctly.  So, no big deal.


So, this means that this whole last year of our training, we had ZERO snow days, but we now have had a HEAT day.  (I have to imagine that something at FSI got overloaded because of the crazy high heat index - 117 today! - but that's just pure speculation on my part.  I could be totally wrong.  I often am.)


So that's totally wicked crazy! 


A heat day!  Go figure.

Last Night's Meltdown Cow

(Of mine, obviously.)


(Since James has never had and WILL never have anything even remotely resembling a "meltdown cow.")


                                                  ~ ~ ~


So, evidently, yesterday we got an Official Email all officially telling us that we now have a new Official Chengdu Address.


You know, for people to, like, mail us stuff when we're on the other side of the earth. James, of course, was the recipient of said Official Email, since I'm all Just a Wife and he's all The Employee.  Because now that my husband has aced his language exam, stuff is TOTALLY starting to happen right quick around here.**


[**And so, this might be a good time to pass on some DS gossip from multiple, extremely well-placed sources: DS folks in language training not only WILL NOT be allowed to process ANY travel-related plans until after they get the scores they need, but there also WILL NOT be ANY language waivers granted to any DS person for any reason, period.  So just remember all this stuff when you're bidding and trying desperately to get overseas.  Are you really ready to bid on that spot that has a language requirement?  Only you know that answer to that.]

So James forwarded the Official Email to me and was all happy and excited all day long. Because we had an address!  For when we're in Chengdu!  Something real!  And official!  Like we're really, actually going!**


[**And before you scoff at me, Dear Reader, I have to tell you the following:  You see these people (A Fisher Out of Water)?  These people who are currently posted in China?  Okay, get this:  we had dinner with them (they're delightful) when they were just brand-new applicants to the Foreign Service, long ago.  Even back then, James had long been paneled to Chengdu.  These people have since gone through the hiring process, been hired, been A-100ded, gone through language, moved to post, gotten pregnant and HAD A FREAKING BABY... there in China! ... ALL while James and I have been training to go to Chengdu.  This is not a lie or an exaggeration!]


So, anyway, last night after we got home from our long day learning eleventy bazillion new things about visas... and after we fed ourselves and our children... and did some homework... (etc.)... James happily chirped again about our New! Chengdu! Address! and wanted to know if I'd seen it and the email.


No, I hadn't.


So he brought his iPad over and showed the address to me.  And the address** read:



James D. Adventure and EFM

Unit 1234, Box 4567

DPO, AP 12345-6789



[**Okay, that might not be our last name.  And those might not be the exact numbers.  But you get the point.]


And the following conversation was immediately had:


                                                  ~   ~   ~


(Me, incensed, and poking a finger at the address):  What the HELL?!?! When people we know send us mail, they'll address us as "James and EFM"?!?! Like, they'll write "EFM" on their envelopes in the place of my NAME?!?!


(James, distressed):  Huh?  No!


(Me, continuing, and going into orbit):  What the HELL?!?!  I HAVE A NAME!  I HAVE A FREAKING NAME!!!!!!  HOW CAN THEY STRIP ME OF MY NAME ON OFFICIAL MAIL THAT OFFICIALLY IS SENT THROUGH THE OFFICIAL U.S. POST OFFICE!?!?!?


(James, wringing hands and hoping to avoid continued crisis):  What?  NO!  That's not what happens!  Look at the Official Email!  The email clearly states that "EFM and MOH individuals on orders can receive mail under their names using the same box number!"  People can use your name!  They won't be writing "EFM" on the envelopes!


                                                   ~   ~   ~


But by then, the damage was done.  Even the mere THOUGHT that people would send us mail for two years in Chengdu addressed to "James D. Adventure and EFM" sent me through the roof and into the stratosphere. 


As I banged pots and pans around the kitchen during dinnertime, I mused at the abject absurdity of it all.  Would people be able to just send the mail to "EFM" and have it get there, if they meant it to be for me?  Or would they have to use my last name, at least, and send it to "EFM Adventure?" 


And what about common envelope courtesy?  I'm married, after all!  Could I not even at least be "Mrs. EFM Adventure?" or did I lose the Mrs. completely?  Sort of like The Artist Formerly Known as Prince, you know?  Like now I'm just "EFM" to the post office. 


Ah, well, that was yesterday and tonight I'm far more balanced.  I think long-term language training makes everyone really cranky.  I'm not the only one who started off in Chinese, finished up in ConGen and got grouchy along the way.  If the same thing can happen to Katie and James (Rock Star in Dhaka), then I'm in really good company, because they're both really great people.  I think long-term training can really be trying to the soul.


The end.

An Intro to ConGen: There's Good News, and There's Bad News.

[But before I get to either, a quick RoundUp note:  Many thanks to Sara at Wife-Mommy-Woman for her RoundUp about Kitchens in the Foreign Service!  Next week: Sadie at Sadie Abroad will be hosting on the topic of Collections in the Foreign Service:  What do you collect, what do you want to collect, what do you wish you didn't collect, etc. Thank you for volunteering, ladies!)


                                                 ~   ~   ~


Okay, so, the good news is that I have officially made it through the first two (out of a total of four? Or five?) tests in my ConGen class without flunking out of ConGen. 


This is a big deal, actually, because on the very first day of ConGen we were told all about what the expectations were.*  (I'm really, REALLY glad ConGen does this, because language departments don't, and they end up with people behaving worse than kindergartners, which is really sad, and which may end up being a different blog post someday.  We'll see. I actually have never blogged about this because I'm still so hopping mad over a lot of what I saw go down in language training.  Some people need to grow the hell up.)


[* For example, and I'm not making this up, you will not eat full/hot/noisy meals in ConGen class.  Nor will you play video games on your handheld, fun electronic device (during class).  Nor will you take phone calls, nor will you text message in class.  Nor will you be more than just a couple of minutes late to class.  Nor will you ALWAYS be HABITUALLY late to class.  Etc., etc., etc.  Sounds like basic stuff, right?  Well, you'd be surprised... I saw some truly egregious stuff go down in language training and if I wrote about it, I don't know that you folks would even believe me!  Anyway... ]


And while we were being told what ConGen expects of us, we were informed that spouses/EFMs will be tossed out of ConGen for not passing the tests.  If I remember correctly, if officers fail tests, they get recycled.  If spouses/EFMs fail tests, though, they get tossed out on their fannies.  Not that I have a historical habit of failing tests, mind you... it's just an extra layer of terror, is all.


So the fact that I have now survived two tests makes me happy.  That's the good news. 


The bad news is that as of Monday I'm starting the part of the course that is the most difficult.  But before I talk about that, let me catch you up.


                                                      ~   ~   ~


                                        ConGen:  An Introduction


For those of you who have not (yet?) had the pleasure of attending ConGen, I'd like to help give you a brief introduction.  In fact, how's about you keep up with me and we learn it together!  Sure, you'll miss out on some of the finer nuances, maybe, but actually you can at least get a good idea of what James and I are up to these six weeks or so. 


Ready?





The first many days go something like this:  A baby is born at some point in time in some random place on the Earth.  Is that baby a U.S. citizen?


Hmmmm....  well, that question could potentially be easy to answer (the baby is born this evening in Idaho = probably YES!), and could potentially be harder to answer (the baby is born outside of the US and has only one biological U.S. citizen parent).  YOU KNOW THIS WHOLE SCENARIO SOUNDS WICKED FASCINATING, DON'T YOU!  In fact, you are DYING to go here and learn all about it!  And when you're done with that, you want to learn all about passports! 


Aren't YOU just the self-teaching wonder!


                                                   ~   ~   ~



(The above graphic is totally awesome and can be found here.)


The next many days of ConGen address the following:  A non-US-citizen living in any country other than the US wants to come and live forever and ever in America.  Do we let them?  (Translation:  Immigration stuff).


Well, you know.  This is all totally complicated.


Someone interested in addressing that question might want to read about jobs or read about families or even go read that cartoon-thingee, shown above, if you haven't already. 


In fact, if you want to self-teach a lot of the ConGen that you're missing, you can basically go here and learn that whole, entire website, and then go here and learn THAT whole, entire website (complete with the plethora of documents that would need to be filed in all scenarios *and* their filing fees).


[Also:  No joke - I sorta kinda wish I'd reviewed those websites before starting ConGen.  I think it would have been really helpful for me, as my background was in federal law but not immigration/citizenship/visa/passport/etc. law.  So I walked in without any foundation, and spent a lot of time playing catch-up. Not. Fun.]


So, there you have it.  What you've missed so far in ConGen. 


                                                      ~   ~   ~






So.  What's left now is what awaits me next week when I tackle the question:  A non-US-citizen wants to come to the US to visit.  Do we let them?  (Translation: Non-Immigrant stuff).


Why do all the students I've spoken to who have already gone through ConGen universally state that this topic is the most difficult?  That this topic's TEST is the most difficult?


Um, go here and look at that freaking long LIST.  A nightmare of letters and numbers, my friends, and James and I get to learn them all in a frighteningly small period of time.  (Complete with documents to be filed and filing fees for such.)


Hold me.


So if I'm not online much, it's because the frighteningly long list of letters and numbers is winning.  And did I mention that I'm STILL not getting paid to do any of this?!  It's the EFM's curse. 


I swear to you guys, after being in training for almost the last YEAR without getting paid a DIME, my first State Department pay stub (assuming I can convince someone at post to hire me?) is going up on my wall, FRAMED, and in my scrapbook and probably even up on my blog.  Because after all this time in training without even either of us being on per diem or in Oakwood or anything, I'm ready to send State a letter.  Which would read, in pertinent part: 


                                                ~   ~   ~


Dear State Department,


FREAKING PAY ME ALREADY. 


Sincerely,

A Daring Adventure


p.s. Please?  PRETTY PLEASE???

I'm Certain I Heard What You Didn't Say

Okay, so.


Today was my first day of ConGen.


And it's obvious to me that my brain and I need to have a little talk with each other.


This is because my brain is not correctly hearing what the ConGen people are saying.  Which, you know, could possibly be a problem.


I'll give you a little example.


Since it's the beginning of ConGen, and since ConGen is (I kid you not) a supremely well-oiled machine, they have begun by telling us what they will be telling us over the next many weeks.


You know, like any good presentation of new information: you tell people what you're going to be telling them, then you tell them what you want to tell them, then you remind them of what you told them. It's all about being clear.


So, today was them telling us all about what they're going to be telling us about. A day of introductions, if you will.


The only problem is that my brain can't hear what they're saying.


Case in point:  Take the two basic kinds of visas. Immigrant visas (IV) and Nonimmigrant visas (NIV).


[See that?  There are only two categories. TWO. This shouldn't be hard. This should be easy! But...]


Now, I have a bit of a medical background. So, when I hear/see the acronym "IV" I automatically think: Plastic tube in your wrist used to give you fluids, like in the hospital. Often keeps you from dying. Rather handy at times.


I also, throughout my life, have attended different forms of Presbyterian and Episcopal churches. Thus, when I hear/see "NIV" I automatically think: Kind of Bible translation. Different from KJV and NASV, etc. Christians like to argue about which one is better. Which is sort of lame.


And I'm not having this problem with just the two visa types - oh, no. The problem is far more widespread.  For example...


I'm married to a federal law enforcement officer. When I hear/see "FAM" (some sort of book or manual or something?) I think: Federal Air Marshals. Fly around on planes and stuff. Keep the airways safe, etc. Sucks for them that they're part of TSA.


So in class today, this is what my brain heard:


"Welcome to ConGen! During your time here, you'll be learning about (plastic tubing that goes in your arm that's used to give a patient fluids in the hospital) and (a kind of Bible translation that is used by different churches). You'll also be hearing about (Federal Air Marshals flying around on planes)."


LOVELY.


It will be interesting if and when there will come a day when my brain will hear:


"Welcome to ConGen! During your time here, you'll be learning about (one specific type of visa) and (another specific type of visa). You'll also be hearing about (a manual of rules or something)."


But between now and then?   Yeah.  My brain needs to get itself together. And right quickly, might I add.


Because it's also hearing about lots of stock ticker symbols (!!) and brands of guns (!!!) all the time. Heaven help me - when "FAM" is used together with the acronym that is the same as a particular brand of gun (Federal Air Marshals! Guns! Those two *totally* make sense together! Don't make fun of me!) my brain goes 100% law enforcement and I have to drag it back, kicking and screaming, to the classroom full of acronyms it *thinks* it knows but it actually doesn't really.


But it's really super-nifty-fun to be back in the universe of all things legal/law-ish! For many years, I worked in the legal world. I've really missed it, so this is a treat.


(See also: ConGen doesn't start at 7:40 every single morning M-F like Chinese used to! Good heavens, what's not to like?!)


(And even FURTHER see: ConGen is entirely in English! ALL OF IT!! Every last word on every last page! It's all in English! GLORY HALLELUJAH!!)

And Then Life was PERFECT! (Also: Score One for the DS Folks!)

I am very, very proud (you have no idea how proud) to say:


**JAMES GOT HIS 2/2 TODAY IN CHINESE!** 


Holy cow, you guys, this is awesome for so many reasons, not the least of which is that DS folks right now are being put under the microscope in language training in a BIG WAY. 


Because of that, and because of many family reasons (I'll get to them in a sec), this test was SUPER high stress and SUPER high stakes.


For example, who in the world wants their CDO contacted and Post contacted and told that they didn't/couldn't make their required language score and thus... (fade to unknown)?!


No one, that's who.  And especially not my husband. 


But there was also a lot of pressure on him because he scheduled his test 2 weeks earlier than the end date of his class.  The reason he scheduled his test that early is:





So get this.  James has been a Boy Scout leader/Scoutmaster/Assistant Scoutmaster since Matthew (our 17-yr-old) was in kindergarten (Tigers).  Matthew is now an Eagle Scout.  During all those years, never once (never once!) has James been able to go to Boy Scout summer camp.  His job situation never let him.  (Reason why I hate TSA # 7,975,233.)


But Matthew turns 18 soon and won't be a Boy Scout any longer.  And this is the last summer we're in the US for at least a few years.  Thus, next week is James' first and last chance to go on a Boy Scout summer camp trip with both boys, and they are scheduled to leave in just a few days.


So not only was our going-to-Chengdu schedule on the line... not only was the rest of James' training schedule on the line... not only were phone calls to his CDO and Post on the line... not only was the threat of SIX MORE WEEKS OF CHINESE on the line... but also my husband's only chance to go to Boy Scout camp with our two boys was on the line when James took his language test this morning (two weeks early). 


I can't even begin to describe how happy we are.  I got the score I needed yesterday and James got the score he needed this morning. 


And you know what?  This is a fun little tidbit.


I have heard - I cannot verify, of course, but I have heard - from both my husband's classmates AND a few of his teachers - that James was the VERY FIRST ONE of his Chinese cohort (which is very large - something between 20 and 30 students) to get a 2/2.


**Score one for the DS folks!!** 


                                                 ~   ~   ~


This is the part of the blog post where I wholeheartedly thank all of our Chinese instructors and the Chinese Department management. 


Oh. My. Goodness. 


To say that the teachers care is an understatement.  Yes, learning Chinese is SO hard... the length of the course is SO discouraging sometimes... the goal often seems SO impossible... but all of our teachers have hearts of gold and want more than anything to see us succeed. 


You guys should have seen it today. 


After James left the testing center and came back to the Chinese corridors, he was/we were surrounded by his teachers and my teachers all hugging us and all being so thrilled for us.  And I cried and James even got misty-eyed and the teachers were all so happy and proud.  It was such a wonderful time.


So thank you, Chinese teachers.  Thank you, Chinese Department.  Thank you from the bottom of our hearts.


And thank you, everyone, for your encouragement and your prayers.


WE DID IT!!!