A Daring Adventure

Again with This

Prepare to be SHOCKED.


Ready for a stunning revelation?


James didn't get paneled for an onward assignment at today's DS panel.

You have to pick yourself up off the floor now, right?  


(/sarcasm)

Yeah, so, anyway - still no onward assignment for us. And it's true - we had been told that we weren't going to be paneled today. But, but... but I guess that didn't stop the faint glimmer of hope in my heart that I had that things might have worked out for us by now.


Thirty-three OTHER people of James' grade were paneled today - I would imagine that most of them were current winter bidders - but nothing for us leftover summer bidders from last year who are still sitting around with NADA. 

UGH.

 

So, yeah.


Here's to June the 7th!! Which is the next panel date. Which will hopefully be OUR panel date (although- how many times have I written that now on my blog? A thousand?).  

Let's hope June the 7th doesn't ALSO end up being all

 

"Oh, did you want this?"

Because that would suck.


OR NOT, as the case may be.  

 

Taking the Good with the Bad

Well, so.


James had a very informative (and also long) conversation with his CDO last night. So, you know, I figured I would update y'all on the whole bidding thing.


THE GOOD NEWS:  It looks as though James might be penciled in for a certain onward assignment.


THE BAD NEWS: He sure isn't getting paneled for it (or anything else, for that matter) on the next panel date (May 17th).


(At this point, cue me being all:)

Except for - I'm a girl.

 
EVEN BETTER: He *might* get paneled the panel after that. Which is June 7th. If, of course, everything that needs to happen actually ends up happening the way it needs to happen so that it can all actually happen. And stuff. 


THE AWESOMEST NEWS EVER:  This means that JAMES AND I WIN the "Longest Bidders Ever That I Personally Know Award."  Of all of my DS girlfriends, the longest anyone has gone without an onward assignment has been from bidding as a summer bidder starting in one calendar year and not getting paneled until May of the the next calendar year (nine months of pure bidding joy). But now that we know that we started bidding last August (2012) and won't even be paneled this month - in May (the nine month mark) - we now have won the Longest Bidders (that I personally know) Contest. 


WOW!  Lucky us!  And James and I usually never ever win contests! 

 

Except when they aren't.

So.


In all fairness, and I am trying to be as fair about the situation as possible, James has a WONDERFUL CDO who is very kind and helpful. It also sounds like the assignment to where James will more than likely be headed is a good place, morale-wise. So that's nice. We need some good morale all up in here, y'all. 


On the other hand, not being paneled means no orders. No orders means no travel dates. No travel dates means, well, NO TRAVEL. And let's not forget that we have an upcoming 9th grader in the fall. Who needs to, like, get out of Chengdu and get to where his school is. And stuff.


I'll be able to tell the whole story when James gets paneled. Which will hopefully, HOPEFULLY, *HOPEFULLY* be in June (OH PLEASE, OH PLEASE, OH PLEASE).  

PLEEEEEEEEEASE? James and I are asking so very nicely!

In the meantime, I will leave you with a link to a hilariously funny thing that Matthew, my 19-year-old son, found on the interwebz. It has to do with how different men and women are. Holy cow, I laughed SO HARD at that!


Laughing is good.


As for me, I have finished two of my final exams for two of the three classes I have been taking this spring semester, and have the other final exam tomorrow morning. And then I will be done for the semester.  Which COMPLETELY freaks me out.  No, I'm dead serious.


Taking classes is the only thing that keeps me sane, you guys, seeing as there's nothing else for me to do. I am so, and I do mean SO SO SO SO SO SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO bad at the whole EFM thing. I don't do outings or lunches or shopping or manicures or pedicures or whatever other things we unemployed EFMs (which is statistically, what, 70+% of EFMs worldwide? If not more? And now there are going to be even less EFM jobs available worldwide because of the budget crunch?) are supposed to do to pass the time at post. I don't hang out and gossip, I don't have young children that need to do playdates - I just truly suck at the whole EFM thing. Which means that school has been my lifeline to sanity because it has kept my brain engaged and given me a daily hope for a future that includes my being useful. And having school end for the semester - and not being able to register for a summer class because I HAVE NO CLUE WHERE I WILL BE OR WHAT I WILL BE DOING THIS SUMMER is just... killing me. 

 

If I knew that I would be here in Chengdu through my hometown institution's entire summer semester, I would JUMP on taking another class. But this flux is keeping me from doing anything, which is just... hard. SO HARD. 

Way to Rub Salt in the Wound, Facebook

So I've whined before, at length, I'm sure, about how China blocks Facebook and so if you don't have a VPN you can't be on Facebook. And I've also whined and how China now is super awesome at immediately taking out VPN connections, and so when it comes to doing anything fun on the internet, I'm basically out of luck.


No Facebook, no Twitter, no blogs, no Pandora, no Netflix, no Hulu, no YouTube... no nothing. 


You remember this, right?


Anyway, you would THINK Facebook would be sensitive to my plight. You would THINK Facebook would know that, if I'm absent this long from logging in, that I'm either DEAD or I'm LIVING IN CHINA.


It's not like I haven't told Facebook that I actually AM living in China. It's not like I haven't posted on status updates that I'm living in China, posted pictures from China, pinned locations in China, etc. And it's not like Facebook hasn't acknowledged that it knows I'm living in China, since it has long ago started giving me advertisements entirely in Mandarin Chinese.


But what does Facebook still do to me??!?! Facebook sends me "We see you haven't been on Facebook in a long time! Please come back!" emails that I find emotionally excruciating particularly painful. Facebook will even email me tiny little teaser snippets of everything fun I'm missing, as though it were my fault, as though I could just log in any time my little heart desired and see everything that's gone on in my absence.

Just a few minutes ago, Facebook sent me this in an email and I WANTED TO DIE:





Donna. Jen. Heather. Connie. Other friends. My favoritest people in THE WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD. And really? REALLY, FACEBOOK? Way to rub my face in my own misery. Way to remind me of all the fun I'm missing. I REALLY NEEDED THAT THIS MORNING, FACEBOOK.


So now I'm all




Never mind that I'm supposed to be studying. Never mind that the semester is coming to a close and I'm facing a ton of tests and finals week soon. Instead I'm sitting here, wallowing in misery, feeling horribly sorry for myself, and whining internally (and on my blog). SO PRODUCTIVE.


Meanwhile, I should be doing my Chemistry homework. Was a Chemistry major a long time ago (before I switched majors in my junior year to political science. Would you like fries with that? Can't even get an EFM job at the Consulate with a BS in Political Science. Fat lot of good THAT major did for me!), and so it's nice to get back into it. 



 

Actually, I have to make fun of my Chemistry textbook for a second. Because, check it, y'all:

Since when do Chemistry textbooks get to act like they're really Biology textbooks? Back in my day, Chemistry textbooks actually had, I don't know, complicated, scary pictures of molecules on them or something. What is education these days COMING TO? Darn kids, get off my lawn!

 

And no, I'm almost all the way through the semester and the penguins haven't meen mentioned ONCE. DUH. BECAUSE IT'S CHEMISTRY, THAT'S WHY. 


And speaking of getting almost all the way through the semester, unless I wanna see this happen to me:





I better go get my studying on. 

Nope. Nada.

So, was this panel OUR panel? Did we get an onward assignment? Do we know where we are going? Did we get ANY sleep last night??





So there you have it.


The next panel is scheduled for April 26th, so we shall see what happens then. Yes, that's pretty much a month away. 


So, yeah... I'm not gonna lie to you. We're pretty bummed this morning. And that might be a leetle bit of an understatement...



 

But we'll be okay. We both firmly believe that God is in control, that what's meant to be is what will ultimately happen, and that we haven't been paneled yet because the right thing for us hasn't yet come along. Or something.


I'm sure it's going to take a couple of days, but we will soon look ourselves in the mirror and give ourselves a pep talk...





See you once the pep talk has kicked in. 


In the meantime, for those of you who celebrate, Happy Easter! And CONGRATULATIONS to all summer/NOW/winter bidders who got paneled this go 'round.  
 

T-Minus Something Like 17 Hours

Until we will either get an email with an onward assignment... or an email telling us all about how everyone else in the universe (other than us) got an onward assignment (and we didn't)... or both... or neither... or whatever. 


Neither James nor I will sleep tonight because how can we sleep while Important People are sitting in DC deciding THE VERY COURSE OF OUR LIVES?  Because that's what the time change between China and the U.S. does - it tells us we're supposed to be sleeping (because it's night time here) while the panel is meeting (during the daytime there), but what human being can do that?  


Needless to say, I'm jumpy and anxious and basically all





Except I know that the chances are very slim that this is actually our panel. Again, as I've said before, I have DS friends who were leftover summer bidders (like we are) who waited until MAY before they had their ownward assignments. MAY, PEOPLE, MAY. So James and I may well end up waiting that long or longer. At which point I might be sitting in a corner in a dark room, winding my hair around my fingers, sucking my thumb, quietly rocking back and forth and muttering to myself. Kid you not.


Because each and every time we bid, it feels like we're just doing this

Over and over and OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

So, anyway, will our valiant hero finally be victorious this time around? And will he (and his super bitchy wife) finally learn where they are headed next? 

Or will bidding continue for them the same way it's been going for the last eight months?

 
TUNE IN TOMORROW! 


Meanwhile, James and I are going to have some dinner and try not to obsess. We will NOT be eating:

Children steak. Because...NO.

 
The end. 

T-Minus 5 Days (or Whatever)

...until Friday. 


And what, you may ask, does Friday signify? 


Well, let me tell you.


From what we have heard, Friday is the next panel.


At this point in time (from what we have heard), DS is now paneling current *WINTER* bidders in addition to (some of?) us leftover summer bidders from last year (like what James is). Because this is the tenth? eleventh? twelfth? thirteenth? (I've lost track) panel that James and I have been through since last August, when our bid list first came out.


And at this point, this year's WINTER bidders have not only gotten their bid lists, but have begun bidding and have even begun getting handshakes and being paneled. So, quite frankly, do James and I have much hope that this Friday will actually be our panel? During which we will get our new assignment? After all of this waiting?





(But it would be nice.)


I KNOW, I KNOW. If I were A Good State Department Wife, I would be all positive! and upbeat! and optimistic! and all:

Another panel! Another opportunity to find out where we're going! Oh, how exciting! We're so happy! And excited! Because this is SO FANTASTIC! I LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But unless this is the first time you've ever read my blog (and if it is, um, welcome?), then you know that I'm about as far as it gets from being A Good State Department Wife, and so the next .gif is more like where we leftover-summer-bidders-from-last-year are emotionally as another panel date approaches (especially knowing that so much time has gone by that now WINTER bidders are being paneled!):
 

I call this: "Oh, Look. Another Panel." Except that we don't really drink. And also, I would like to point out that I am a girl. And that comparing James to Alec Baldwin seems heinous as James is actually, you know, a nice person and a good man. But you get the point.

 
So, you know. Friday. It's coming up. 


                                                    ~   ~   ~


What else is going on? 


Seeing as that we're only going to be in Chengdu through this summer (theoretically. Except for, we can't leave until they panel us, and they're never going to panel us, evidently, so MAYBE WE'RE GOING TO BE HERE FOREVER), I'm finally beginning to figure out how to successfully live in this place. Because isn't that just how it is? The second you get acclimated to your post, it's time to leave? 


A couple of weeks ago I started to realize that I had finally hit my stride and was getting to the point where I could actually buy food for my family. Yes, people, it's taken me almost two years to feel like this. What can I say? I totally suck. That and none of the vegetables here actually cook like they're supposed to (so says me, from America), and none of the meats make any sense (again, so says me, an American), and I'm sorry but it's literally taken me THIS LONG to get some sort of system down for feeding my family. Again, I suck. 


But, really? When I'm at a grocery store and I finally know EXACTLY what food I'm buying and EXACTLY what I'm going to do with it when I get it home? 


I throw that package of whatever it is (don't ask me what it is - the writing is in Chinese) in my cart and I'm like DAMN STRAIGHT THIS IS GOING TO BE CHILI WHEN I'M DONE WITH IT. AND IT'S GOING TO TASTE LIKE AMERICAN CHILI, TOO!


And at that moment, standing there in that Chinese grocery store, surrounded by Chinese people trying desperately to peer into my shopping cart to see what the American is buying, deep down inside I'm seriously all TONIGHT THERE WILL BE CHILI, PEOPLE, BECAUSE:

Yes, I really CAN be this excited and this proud of myself just because I can FINALLY make a single American dish here in Chengdu, even though half of its ingredients have been shipped here courtesy of Amazon. DON'T JUDGE ME.

(And if learning how to make real, American chili while living in a foreign country isn't the pinnacle of expat acclimation, then please don't tell me what is, because reaching it is FAR beyond my grasp. Just leave me alone with my small win and let my family eat its chili in peace.)


 

My (Chinese) Life in Pictures

I am well aware that my blog, of late, has basically only been about the hideousness that is bidding and how sick my kids and I always are here in China. 


BOOOOOOOOOOOOOORING.


So the other day when I was flipping through some pictures on my iTouch, I found some China-related photos that I have not yet put up on ye old bloggity-blog, and I thought it would be a good time to share!


~  ~  ~


I call these next pictures: "And This is the Sort of Thing That Makes Me Utterly Crazy." 


Let me explain.


Okay, so, we have Subway here in Chengdu. Subway, the American sandwich place. Where you go through the line and they build you a sandwich and you tell them what you want on it, etc. We Americans are probably all very familiar with Subway.


And the sandwich-builder behind the counter has many food choices for you to add to your sandwich, right? There are different cheeses and veggies and cold cuts of all kinds and flavors, etc.


And here in China, the Subway tries REALLY REALLY HARD to be what it's supposed to be. 


Only...

Only, know what that meat is in the middle? Of course you don't. Your brain can't process it. I'll tell you what it is... it's RAW BACON. As in bacon that is raw. I am not making this up. Would you like a raw bacon Subway sandwich? OF COURSE YOU WOULD.

Yes, you guys, I kid you not. Sitting alongside the cold cuts that actually deserve to be there (such as sliced ham and sliced turkey, etc.), is the RAW BACON. For your dining pleasure.


The first time I saw the raw bacon, I FREAKED THE HECK OUT. No joke. I did everything I could to use my 2/1+ (but still completely pathetic) Mandarin to try to explain that THIS. IS. BAD.  That you do not feed this to people on a sandwich. That you must cook it first.  


The Chinese sandwich-builder guys nodded and smiled and just kept on keeping on, not changing a thing.


Well, I was so horrified that there was a Subway here feeding people raw bacon on their sandwiches that I literally went to a local Mandarin teacher and explained the situation (she is Chinese but has spent a bit of time in America and so she understood what I meant and was also horrified at the raw bacon thing) and had her dictate to me EXACTLY what I should say in order to communicate the seriousness of the situation.


So I went back to Subway, armed with perfect verbiage. And I told the Subway sandwich-builder guys EXACTLY what the Chinese teacher had told me to say. I used EXACTLY her words. And they nodded and smiled and told me they understood... and then they changed nothing.


It's been months now. And that Subway keeps feeding people raw bacon sandwiches.


I am NOT making this up.


In fact, last week when I was there at Subway, I watched them build a sandwich for a young Chinese child - probably about 4th or 5th grade or so:

Yep, I watched the Subway sandwich people build this raw bacon and cheese sandwich for a Chinese child standing in front of me in line.

And I would end this story with something witty if I could just think of something witty to say about it. 


CHINA. Land of things happening that you would never see anywhere else. I hope. 


And for those of you living in Chengdu, if you would like to visit this Subway (I don't know if all the other Subways here in Chengdu do the raw bacon thing or not, but this one sure does) it's the Subway across from Treat on the bottom floor of the Raffles Mall. YUM.


~  ~  ~


[A quick note to all of my friends on Facebook - THANK YOU! I love you guys! I still cannot get on Facebook, but when you guys post something on my wall, Facebook emails it to me in an email and so I can see it that way and I am grateful, though I can't sign in and respond as I would like. Hugs to you all!! I will be back on Facebook (and Twitter!) someday!!]

Nope, This Wasn't Our Panel, Either

There was another panel today for summer bidders who are still left over from last year (which is what we are- we've been bidding since last August, and this is maybe the 10th/11th/something like that panel we've been through), and no... we didn't get anything today, either. 

This would be us right now. Except we don't really drink. And I'm a girl. And James doesn't wear wife beaters. And has more hair. And is cuter and younger. Etcetera.

But really - it's okay. Truly. We didn't really expect to get anything this panel, so we weren't surprised. And what's nice is that our #1 choice wasn't given away to someone else today - it's still there!! - so that's nice. Very nice.  We still have hope. And hope is always good to have. 


My even-keeled, awesome DS girlfriends (for basically no one in the FS can understand what it's like to bid DS except for other DS folks) do their best to try to comfort and encourage little raw-nerved, freak-out-cow me during this...this...extended time of uncertainty...

There, there. We've all been through this. It will all be okay in the end. You'll see!

I love ALL you ladies. For real. I couldn't do this crazy DS-lifestyle-thing without you. 


Because, wait - how long have James and I been bidding now? Let me think...




(KIDDING.)


(Sort of.)


So anyway, the next panel is scheduled for the end of March, and this is the first time (I think?) that I'm going to come out on my blog and say... that I am hoping that the next panel is our panel. In fact, PLEASE let the next panel be our panel. Please. The timing is right. We have a bid on a job that would fit us well, we've been patient, my insanely awesome husband is insanely awesome, and we are literally the last leftover summer bidders that I know of or that my friends know of. 


[Now, I know that there are many other leftover summer bidders out there, to be sure, but I don't personally know of any and neither do any of my girlfriends. The summer bidding pool of folks I know and that my girlfriends know has gone from very large at the beginning of the cycle to JUST US now. The very last other leftover summer bidders that I knew of (I don't personally know them, really, but I knew OF them through other friends) got paneled today, leaving just James and me in our very extended circle. That HAS to mean that the bidding field has narrowed. Right?  RIGHT?!?!]


Sure.

And the bidding journey continues...

::sabe be:: [Translation: SAVE ME]

For I hab a code.


I caught it a few days ago and what sucks is that colds in China stick with me far longer than colds in America, which were never really my friends to begin with. James some other people, when they get colds, cough a few times and sneeze once and that's it, but when I get sick, especially in China, I am sick for weeks. And this is the third time (third time!) my family has been sick in the last month. THIRD. TIME.


Oh, China.  


So my ears hurt and my throat hurts and my nose hurts and my life hurts. Basically




(Except I'm not blonde and I can't sit upright without passing out. Nor am I wearing makeup.)


When James left for work this morning, I was whining pitifully in bed, partially obscured in a sea of kleenex. And as he leaned over to hug me goodbye, I melodramatically informed him that after he returned home later and discovered my lifeless body, I wanted him to remarry because I know that he'd be lonely by himself. 


I thought this was a very gracious gesture on my part, because for all I know the bitch would immediately walk into my life and begin using my dishes and wearing my jewelry and yelling at my precious children, and GOOD LORD, YOU ALREADY HAVE MY HUSBAND, LADY, LEAVE MY KIDS ALONE, but in response to this, James just sighed and rolled his eyes (ever so slightly) before patting me on the arm and walking out the door.  


*Harumph.* 

 

Sick. 

Further Adventures in Bidding Hilarity

So, after my post yesterday (detailing our bidding misery), I got a TON of super helpful input from my friends and family. You know, great new ideas and information and, like, tips and stuff. Things James and I had never thought of before!


For example, a super awesome girlfriend of mine who will go unnamed... let's call her, oh, I don't know, Donna... went on to my Facebook page yesterday (the very same Facebook page I can't see/access because, as I've said a thousand times, I don't have a working VPN) and helpfully suggested that James bid for the disabled Carnival Cruise ship that is currently sloshing around human feces. 


James would, Donna kindly noted, have to temper his new-found bidding hope with the reality that, of course, he probably wouldn't get it... but "ARSO Disabled Feces-Sloshing Cruise Ship?!"  SIGN. US. UP!


Real Post Reports doesn't yet have an entry for Disabled Feces-Sloshing Cruise Ship, so I had to hit The Googles for more info. Good news, you guys: it really doesn't look half bad!

Here's a picture taken after the passengers initially abandoned their rooms. Holy cow, you guys - those mattresses look HUGE!! And super thick! Are those fluffy feather pillows?

I found some pictures of the housing...

Disabled Feces-Sloshing Cruise Ship's housing area is located in "Shantytown." The residents were able to pull their mattresses up the stairways and position them under some shady areas. I would imagine that, with the ocean breezes, the temperature range is always quite mild, and I can't imagine there are any mosquitoes!

You guys, do you know what this means?!?! No mosquitoes = no Dengue and no Malaria! Oh HELLS to the yes!


It doesn't get any easier than the housing's bathroom arrangement...

Residents of the Cruise Ship use convenient red biohazard waste bags as their restrooms. Do you KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?!?! You never have to scrub a toilet! SCORE!!!

Couple all of this with the fact that I have ALWAYS wanted to go on a cruise, and I'm hoping against hope that I will soon be Mrs. ARSO Disabled Feces-Sloshing Cruise Ship. I know the odds are against us because it will probably have 50+ bids on it by the end of the weekend (just like everything else overseas always has), but a girl can dream. 


                                              ~   ~   ~ 


Meanwhile, back in the HOME OF MISERY, James and I had the following conversation:


James:  Well. So. I guess we talk about the domestic bid list.


me:  Why not? We've already established that it has Arkansas on it. What else?  


James:  Um, let's see. (::rifles through bidlist::)  There's also... Detroit.


me:  DETROIT.

James:  Yes.


me:  There are still people living in Detroit?


James: Evidently.


me:  I thought Detroit, like, closed or something. 


James:  Guess not.


me:  Wait - I remember reading something about Detroit in the news a couple of weeks ago. Isn't the Detroit Chamber of Commerce, like, giving free houses away to anyone who promises to move there or something?


James:  ::sigh::


me (continuing):  Does Detroit get Danger Pay?  


James:  ::deeper sigh::


                                             ~   ~   ~


Of course, after yesterday's blog post, a whole lot of people came out in favor of Hot Springs, Arkansas, including another girlfriend of mine who will go unnamed, but let's call her... I don't know... Jen.  


So Jen and I were emailing each other back and forth. And Jen, who is, as I am, very budget-conscious, was quick to point out one of Hot Springs' selling points...


~ ~ ~

Jen:  It's so CHEAP!


me:  Well, if you're going for cheap, then Hot Springs is horrifyingly expensive compared to DETROIT.


Jen (always trying to be helpful and lift people's spirits):  Detroit! If we were bidding, we'd be jumping on Detroit!


me:  You've got to be kidding. Tell me you're kidding.


Jen:  You can buy a house downtown for $5,000! 


me:  But then... you'd... own a house in Detroit. 


~  ~  ~


But Jen was not swayed away from the budgetary financial wonderment that is the promise of Detroit, and she even began sending me Yay! Detroit! sorts of website links, one of which included, in pertinent part, and I am NOT making this up:


 "In New York, you're a sparrow. In Detroit, you're a prized canary. This is Mecca for you, Mr. or Ms. Would-be Transplant... No other major metropolitan area will out-welcome Detroit's welcome. Give us your newcomers with moxie and talent. We'll mentor you, invest in you and invite you to parties."


Detroit wants to invite me to parties?


Look, Detroit. Not to be an obnoxious hag or anything (except I am), but I don't even go to parties in CHENGDU. Ask anyone here at post. So thank you so much for the very, very warm and very, very enthusiastic welcome, but no. No, we're not bidding on you.

Wait a minute - let me couch that.


If it so happens that the only things left on the bidlist are Hot Springs, Arkansas, Detroit, Michigan, and MSD (which it well may in the very near future), then James will be lobbying for Detroit like it's Brussels and London and The Hague all mixed together. But until then, no. NO we are NOT bidding Detroit.


The end.