My Eyes! My Eyes!

This is us. The one showing lots of shoulder (in her Chengdu, China Marine Ball ball gown!) is the EFM who writes this blog. The one wearing a tux (James) is the employee who moves her (and their two sons) around all over the world. The red link, below, is how you can get in touch with me...

The time in Chengdu, China

Chengdu: city of fabulous food and beautiful Buddhist monasteries!

In Our Same Boat (with State)

Beyond the Cornfields
Brand-new State Department family in Dhaka, Bangladesh. Love their two little girls (she just recently had a baby while being posted in Dhaka), horticulture, traveling and adventure!
Email From The Embassy
State Department family formerly in Beijing, China, and recently posted to Amman, Jordan. A trailing spouse, she's also a writer, and frequently publishes articles with major news sources. A very experienced State family, this new post is something like overseas post number six or seven for them.
Just US
A beautiful family of seven - they have arrived at their new post: Jerusalem! They just finished off an unaccompanied tour to Iraq and are very much looking forward to sightseeing around the middle east.
Our Life
State Department family on their second post...Tijuana, Mexico. It's their first overseas assignment and they have two little boys. They love Tijuana so far and post pictures frequently! They also get to enjoy the best of both worlds for they can sneak over the border into San Diego when they want to!
The Dinoia Family
State Department family formerly in California, now in DC for a DC tour. Next, the husband will do a one year unaccompanied tour. A very experienced State family (formerly in Iceland and Caracas) with a blog that has been around quite a while and has great archives. Jen has a sweet heart and a lot to give!
The Perlman Update
State Department family formerly in Chennai, India, who then did a year-long unaccompanied tour in Iraq. They are now on a DC tour and after that will do another unaccompanied tour (Afghanistan). She totally tells it like it is and doesn't sugar-coat what life is really like. Witty, snarky, funny and down-to-earth. Look elsewhere if you want fake. Read if you want REAL.
Where in the World Am I?
State Department family formerly in Bujumbura, Burundi and now in Hyderabad, India. They just had their first baby this summer - a beautiful little girl- (there's a separate blog about this) and she also eats gluten-free (with a separate blog, also).

One of the most intriguing things about Chengdu is that it is a seamless blend of ancient and modern... all together, side by side.

Can't Live Without (non-State)

Crass-Pollination: An ER blog
The best ER nurse blog EVER!
Doctor Grumpy in the House
The best doctor blog EVER!
In Which...
My IRL friend, a stay-at-home, homeschooling Mama of seven. Her darling daughters are, goshdarnit, probably too young to be hoped for as my future daughters-in-law.
The Crib Chick
My IRL friend, a stay-at-home, homeschooling Mama of five. Hopefully two (Any two! I'm not picky!) of which are my future daughters-in-law.
the underwear drawer
An anesthesiologist who is possibly the most talented & entertaining writer ever. I've read her blog ever since she started medical school. No, don't know her in real life. Wish I did.
The Bloggess
This blog is both hysterically funny and hilariously irreverent. I actually let my 17 year old son read it (who loves it as much as I do!), but wouldn't even CONSIDER letting my 12 year old son read it. Which is about all the description it needs!

The grounds of Chengdu monasteries can be very, very peaceful...even though they are smack dab in the heart of a city of millions of people.

Specifics

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09/20/2011

My Eyes! My Eyes!

So.

James, the boys and I are currently on pre-traveling-to-post vacation in Hometown, Florida.

The Land of Bathing Suits.

Because even though I'm hearing that my girlfriends in Virginia, etc., are starting to have cooler weather... we are not. Not at all. It's in the 90s here.

So the other day we bundled up Zachary (age 12) and took him to a Florida touristy water park. You know the sort - the kind with flumes and slides and stuff.

WELL. How to put this? Some people at that water park... didn't exactly choose to wear... body-appropriate swimwear that day. (Picture The People of Wal-Mart IN BATHING SUITS and that will get you pretty much where you need to be.)

In the spirit of what my husband, son and I were forced to look at while at said water park, I have come up with some guidelines for people who will be seen in public in swimwear. Ready?

                                                  LADIES:

There are two kinds of you. One kind can pull off wearing a string, thong bikini (yes, both string AND thong)... and one cannot.

NEITHER OF YOU SHOULD WEAR THEM AT A FAMILY WATER PARK.

Those of you who CAN pull off wearing a string, thong bikini should COVER YOUR SKIN UP ALREADY. Because, HELLO, this is a FAMILY water park and I have a twelve-year-old son here! And you're scaring him.

If you want to show yourself off, there are about a zillion and a half ways that you can do that. And even get paid in the process, if you're really adventurous. But that topic is, mercifully, beyond the scope of my blog, so we'll end there. Suffice it will to say: PUT MORE MATERIAL ON YOUR BODY, PLEASE. I'M BEGGING YOU.

Those of you who CANNOT pull off a string, thong bikini should LOOK IN THE MIRROR. If you weigh upwards of 300+ pounds (I'm not making this up) THEN YOU HAVE NO BUSINESS IN A STRING, THONG BIKINI.

I'm sorry to be harsh, but you need an intervention. They make cute, fashionable bathing suits in plus sizes - I know this personally, for years ago I used to weigh a hundred pounds more than I do now - all of which are quite appropriate and even - honestly - adorable. CHOOSE ONE.

And also: PLEASE SHAVE. (And no, you don't get a pass for not shaving because you're from another country - you're 100% AMERCIAN and that's what U.S. girls who are about to put on bikinis DO.)

                                         GENTLEMEN:

There are two kinds of you. One kind can pull off wearing a Speedo... and one cannot.

NEITHER OF YOU SHOULD WEAR THEM AT A FAMILY WATER PARK.

Those of you who CAN pull off wearing a Speedo should COVER YOUR SKIN AND BODY HAIR UP ALREADY. Because, HELLO, I do NOT want to look at your hairy legs and your hairy everything else, and sometimes a Speedo doesn't cover up everything a Speedo TRIES to cover up.

I don't care if you think you're all muscular and buff or whatever - I have no desire to look at you and neither do the other women. Get a LIFE and a pair of swimming trunks. There are little girls here and you are scaring them. In fact, I've SEEN you scaring them. Have you not?

Those of you who CANNOT pull off a Speedo - those who have circled the earth for many decades and who very much like your beer and donuts - NEED TO LOOK IN THE MIRROR.

If your tummy hangs over your Speedo to the point where it threatens to touch your legs, then you need a bathing suit intervention. They make fashionable, (blessedly) long swim trunks that will help you be more discreet and covered, and you can find them even at Wal-Mart. Again, there are little girls here and you are scaring them. Heck, you're scaring ME, and I'm a married woman pushing 40!

                                                 PARENTS:

Your pre-teen daughter?

The one in a string bikini THAT IS ALSO A THONG BIKINI that has "Yummy" written across the bikini top? Who looks to be between 8-12 years old?

WHAT? IS? YOUR? PROBLEM?

I don't know when you lost any kind of parenting control in her life, but you need to throw a towel around her body and forcibly carry her to the gift store at the front of the water park where they sell cover-ups for bathing suits. (Or even just put a t-shirt on her!) If you're too useless to do either of these, I will assist you if you just ask. (It's easy to recognize me - I'm the one glaring holes through your skull.)

I don't know what you think you're teaching her other than: "Wow! If I dress like a whore, guys will look at me!" And, seriously, is that the lesson you want her to learn? Please, please tell me the answer to that question is no.

Ugh.

I mean, really, you guys. All you have to do to lose all hope for society is to spend the day at a Florida family water park. It's almost traumatic.

Posted on 09/20/2011 at 05:21 AM in Complaining, Kill Me Now, People Are Insane, Vaycay in Florida | Permalink

Comments

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Are you sure you weren't at a waterpark in Brazil? You know, it's against the rules for guys to wear swim trunks at water parks here. Dudes MUST wear speedos because they think it's unsanitary if you don't. This is why my family has not nor will go to a Brazilian waterpark.

Posted by: Kate | 09/20/2011 at 05:28 AM

Agree with your sentiments completely but I have to admit my swimming pool attire innocence is now lost since I have lived abroad.

Prepare for the rest of the world here is a secret I have learned from both Asia and Europe (shhh): ALL MEN WEAR SPEEDOS! Not kidding, those who should and shouldn't all wear speedos. In fact, it is against the rules to wear swim trunks in most pools. So you may want to pick up a speedo or three for your boys before you hit China if it is anything like the few Korean, Hong Kong, and Filipino pools I have been to. And don't get me started on Europe.

Oh, and if you are at getting the speedos you should probably pick up swim caps as well, they are usually required outside the U.S.

Posted by: Sunny | 09/20/2011 at 08:13 AM

Wow, just Wow. I have a mental picture now that has completely ruined my appetite for the delicious dinner I am currently cooking.

And Kate, that is so funny. In Belgium they have that same rule for "sanitary reasons". Do germs and uhm, whatever, is in your shorts not get through Speedos? Is it REALLY only those openings around the legs that let that out? Where in world did your Ministry of Health people get their medical information anyway?

Posted by: Amy | 09/20/2011 at 08:40 AM

Oh my goodness, I am still laughing out loud as I type this. Although the pre-teen daughter part is soooo not funny. Great post none-the-less!

Posted by: Kristen | 09/20/2011 at 10:14 AM

omg. hilarious. the age-old bathing suit advice. it never, never gets old does it?? someone always needs a lesson! so funny. love your post and advice. oh, and btw - got to you from my friend over at cyberbones. ;o)

Posted by: Monica DeLaCruz | 09/20/2011 at 11:41 AM

I don't know what's funnier, your blog or the comments! And I find myself having culture shock of multiple countries all at once!! Also, I'm thankful it's getting cold here and that I don't have to see any speedos for awhile.

Posted by: Sarah Green | 09/20/2011 at 12:30 PM

Okay, wait -- you used to weigh a hundred pounds more than you do now? As someone struggling to lose 60 pounds I TOTALLY want this story!

Also: went to a waterpark here in Virginia and HOLY CRAP those "cannot comprehend acceptable waterpark attire" folks are here too! I may never see well again...

Posted by: MIssy | 09/20/2011 at 01:35 PM

Yeah, it's true - overseas speedos and g-strings are more of a norm. I grew up among people wearing that type of stuff to the beach, so I am used to it and it doesn't bother me. Topless is also OK all over most of Europe. I know I sound like a crazy European here in the US but believe me the shock does wear off after seeing it a few times. If I don't like what I see, I just look the other way...

Posted by: Daniela | 09/20/2011 at 07:50 PM

NEITHER OF YOU SHOULD WEAR THEM AT A FAMILY WATER PARK.

HILARIOUS. That's you.

We prudish Americans used to be appalled by the sheer number of Europeans who regularly changed their clothes at the kiddy pool in Beijing. You'd be sitting there, minding your own business, and when you looked up, there's be some guy's naked butt directly in front of you, or his wife would be taking off her bikini top. And they'd just be chatting casually. Like they weren't half naked. At the KIDDIE POOL. Where there were kids. MY kids. And horrified Puritanical me.

Posted by: Donna | 09/20/2011 at 09:46 PM

I can't wait to hear about China!! Happy travels :)

Posted by: Brooke | 09/21/2011 at 03:56 PM

Post appreciated!

Posted by: Jamie | 09/21/2011 at 06:59 PM

In Israel, there was similar attire. There are certain images that will forever be burned in my brain (against my wishes), such as the 400 pound man wearing a Speedo with the cell phone tucked in the waist. Speedos are bad enough when the abdomen completely covers it, but sticking a cell phone in there just adds insult to injury!

Posted by: Hamameliss | 09/24/2011 at 12:47 PM

The comments to this entry are closed.

James loves me. And our sons. And his job. But not having his picture taken. In 2011 he finished up over a year and half of training, and in the fall of 2011 we got to our first overseas post - Chengdu, China!