Triumph, with a Side of Gloating.

As some of you may recall, I have stayed at home with my two sons (now, ages 17 and 13) for the last eleven years and have homeschooled them both that whole time.


Homeschooling isn't very socially acceptable yet, I have found.  Oh, sure... not a whole lot of homeschoolers are arrested nationwide anymore (some are, though) as the laws slowly change to make homeschooling more acceptable (once each state's government decides just how much of your homeschooling life it demands control over)... but, by and large, whenever I have told people that our family was homeschooling, the reaction universally was negative in some form or another.


(And if you don't believe me when I say that homeschooling is generally looked upon very negatively in our society, just do this little exercise:  Imagine that the mother or father of a homeschooling family decides to run for President of the United States and picture just how far he or she would get. I rest my case.)


So I didn't talk about it much. I built up a sort of a scab over my wounded heart and kept quietly homeschooling. Much of the time, even family members were less than thrilled about our choice, but we were homeschooling because if we didn't, the boys would never see James (due to James' work schedule and/or the fact that we've moved so often, etc.).  It was a choice we made so that we could be together as a family as much as possible and so the boys would see their father. And it worked - we've been able to spend time together as a family even through James working night shifts and going through DS training, etc., and the kids and I have always traveled/moved with him wherever he has gone.


Over the years, I have endured much rudeness about homeschooling. People telling me, either directly or indirectly, that my boys would end up social outcasts, or not learn as much as they would if they were in school, or that THEY could NEVER homeschool THEIR KIDS, blah blah blah (what I always wanted to respond was: "I could never homeschool your kids, either!").  I spent many an evening Googling stories of homeschoolers who had grown up and done well, just to try to make myself feel like it really COULD all turn out okay, in the end.  


As a homeschooling mother, I flogged myself into knowing absolutely everything about every curriculum for sale to homeschoolers so that I could make "the perfect choice" regarding curricula for each subject. I inwardly yelled at myself for not doing enough, or taking too many days off, or not having a structured schedule like everyone else, etc.  (We leaned a bit to the "unschooling" side of things sometimes.)  I wondered if everyone who judged me could be right - if homeschooling WAS a lesser choice - because, let's face it... a homeschooling day can be long and thankless and lonely sometimes.  That and the homeschooling community really does tend to be extremely OCD/perfectionistic, and we all sort of compare ourselves to each other and always believe ourselves to come up lacking.


I also tend to do many things differently than other people.  While 99.999% of all Foreign Service families seem to choose their children's schools before even arriving at post (sometimes months or years in advance!), I am not like that.  When we were preparing to move to Chengdu, I knew that there were a few different international schools to choose from, but I utterly refused - REFUSED - to be pressured by forces outside our family into choosing one prior to our arrival at post. (Mercifully, James felt the same way.)  I also wanted to hedge my bets and keep my options open.  Namely, that if I got here to China and I didn't like any of the international schools, I was going to homeschool and just let everyone judge me and think I was crazy.  NOTHING NEW THERE.


A few days after arriving in Chengdu, we toured the international school that was our potential top choice. Both boys really liked it - the facilities, the administration, and the teachers all seemed wonderful.  


But... BUT... we were career homeschoolers, with not a single transcript or single standardized test score to our names.  (Yes, you read that correctly.  Not a single standardized test score.  I have never once had my children take any of those horrible things that I believe are ruining our entire educational system.)  No transcripts meant no grades, no levels, no NOTHING.  Sure, some homeschooling moms create what are nicknamed "Mommy Transcripts," but I figure those aren't worth anything to a school. It's not accredited so it has no weight.  


When we visited the international school, I sat with the boys and the administration and we went over what subjects they'd taken with me, at home, in the past.  It wasn't such a big deal for Zachary, at the start of his 7th grade year, but the stakes were higher for Matthew (starting 11th).  The school decided that it was going to sit my boys down and test the heck out of them.  I figured, okay, that sounds reasonable.  We've come to the point where testing was pretty much the only weapon in the aresenal, and, besides, a school needs to be able to evaluate incoming students, especially those with not a single piece of paper to their names. 


I'll admit - I was nervous.  Okay, I was terrified.  The boys had never tested before and, to be quite honest, to say that last year was a homeschooling nightmare would be an understatement.  In my pursuit of my passing score in Chinese at FSI a full month ahead of my allotted time (EFM issues!), I studied like a lunatic and pretty much ignored my children.  They pretty much did their work on their own and only got whatever leftover time or energy I could give.


(Which also earned me derision on my own blog.  I still remember the cruel comments I got when I tearfully talked about how hard it was to balance FSI with homeschooling.  At the time, I wanted to write something pithy like: BITE ME, PEOPLE BEING MEAN TO ME!, but I refrained.) 


Matthew (my 17 year old) sat for the hours-long testing first.  I waited downstairs in the school's waiting area.  The school was going to wait until after Matthew's test results before talking about what classes it was going to allow him to be placed into. Again, very reasonable.  I sat, pretending to read a book, praying and worrying and trying not to vomit.  


Hours later, Matthew and the cutie-pie guidance counselor (I swear, teachers nowadays look like they're 16 years old!  This is probably because I'm ancient.) emerged from the stairwell, and I could tell that Matthew had done splendidly.  Even though the prior academic homeschooling year was a MEGA FAIL, even though he'd been on perpetual vacation for months (due to packout and traveling and visiting family), even though he couldn't review anything at all prior to the testing (it's not like our school books fit in our suitcases!), he had blown every piece of the test away.  I nearly started crying from the relief and the joy.


The school took one look at his scores and placed him in all manner of awesome classes.  And I am convinced that his experience this year at the international school will be priceless and far, FAR better than anything I could ever even dream of providing for him myself. 


A few days later, it was Zachary's turn (my 13 year old).  Same thing... hours of testing while I nearly developed ulcers waiting for him to be finished.  Same results - he did well, and even better than "well" in some areas, getting scores that would, in the US, qualify him for the gifted program. In fact, in a few subjects, the issue of having him skip a grade was even discussed, though in the end we decided to keep him with his age group for all subjects.


Both boys are now at the International school.  It's been a challenge... entering the school year six weeks after it started, especially since they haven't gone to school before.  But they LOVE their teachers and their school, and they've already made tons of friends and have learned so much!  It's a gift - a huge gift - I can't even describe the gift.


I don't see us ever returning to homeschooling.  Matthew will graduate here, with honors, and as long as we can "stay out" (very, VERY hard in DS!), I see only International schools in Zachary's future. 

So now the homeschooling chapter of our lives seems to have come to a close. (Oh, mercy, I'm so going to start crying.)  I can't even tell you how glad I am that we homeschooled.  I would make the same exact choice if I had it to do all over again.  


And you know what?  The days that we blew the schedule, the days that we goofed off or hung out with friends instead, the days that we just sort of sat around as a family... at the time, those days always left me feeling so guilty and so inadequate.  We had blown our schedule!  And were now "behind!"  (Whatever THAT means.) But now, looking back, THOSE WERE OUR BEST HOMESCHOOLING DAYS.  And I wish I'd treasured them and appreciated them instead of letting them make me feel so guilty.


If any homeschoolers are still reading... maybe because you, also, have Googled stories about people who have homeschooled for decades and had it turn out well, in spite of your failures as a mother or teacher... I would encourage you to:


Be kind to yourself

Treasure each day as much as you can, even if the day seems like a failure

Have more fun

Take more breaks

Relax if the schedule sometimes goes right out the window

See the genius in your children - not what *you* want them to learn, but what *they* want to learn

Use your library cards more and your curriculum less

Remember that you will turn around what seems like tomorrow and they will be grown

Know that you will be grateful you did this

Know that it will all be worth it and your children will be JUST FINE, if not *better* than fine!


And someday, sometime, they will be ready to leave your educational sphere and will be strong on their own and all will be well.  I wish I'd tried harder to enjoy the journey, rather than fretting so much about what the outcome was going to be.


A few days ago, James and I attended Parent/Teacher conferences at the boys' new school.  Every teacher - EVERY teacher - without exception - told us how great the boys were doing and what wonderful boys they are.  How they're joys to have in the classroom, liked by the other students and teachers, etc., etc.


One chapter of our lives closes, and another one begins... and I'm going to try harder to enjoy the ride.

Comments

[TulipGirl]

*tears*

It is hard seeing a chapter in life close... especially one that was so meaningful in family relationship building. So happy for the positive things that are developing in this new chapter!

[Nomads By Nature]

We chose homeschooling the second year of our fist post. It was THE BEST decision I could have made!!! For all the exact reasons you stated above! And when we decided to pursue an international school again, it was the best decision for our children and family for that time. I wish there was more support for the homeschooling option in the Foreign Service, but it all starts with just doing what is right for your child/ren, family/ yourself. Very glad that their schooling continues to be just right for them - what a great blessing!

[Wellthatwasdifferent.wordpress.com]

This is my favorite blog post of yours yet!

Signed: once homeschooled for about three weeks...

[naoma lee]

Bravo. Applause & a hearty congratulations. You've done an outstanding job. Soooo? What do you see yourself enjoying while in Chengdu now that you don't need to be lesson planning?

Naoma

[Dan]

Fantastic post! I think it speaks volumes about how well you and your boys worked together. I remember my public school days in a small town were great but I always felt like I had very little one on one interaction with my teachers. There were times when I had to wait for some of the kids falling behind to catch on before we collectively move forward with the class discussions. I imagine that's one disadvantage homeschooling doesn't have.

It also reminds me of a comment from Steve Jobs-
"Life can be much broader once you discover one simple fact, and that is, everything around you that you call life was made up by people that were no smarter than you ... the minute that you understand that you can poke life ... that you can change it, you can mould it ... that's maybe the most important thing."

So who's to say what is right and wrong? Nothing great can come out of the status quo. You only get conformity because that's the way it's always been done.

[Camille]

I think you should send their test scores to every rotten jerk who ever said something rude to you about it.

[Jill]

I'm so glad you posted this...and I miss you, too. :-( But I really needed to hear this! In fact, I'm going to have to book mark it, because I need to hear it about every other month. :-/

(Tell the gang we love and miss them.)

[shannon]

I am so very very glad for you and your boys. You were, and are, my homeschool idol. I'm not homeschooling this year but think I may be again next year, we shall see. I'm not thrilled with how this school year is going.

In fairness to those 99.9 % of us who have our schools picked out well before we arrive, at many international schools many of the schools class up and close enrollment as early as April the year before and waiting simply isn't an option unless you are willing and able to homeschool.

[Sarah Green]

I think I'm printing out your advice/encouragement and put it up in my bedroom. My kids are only 10 and 7, and I've always homeschooled them and I'm always fighting the internal mommy guilt of "am I doing enough?" and my poor kids have to practice saying what grade they're in, because that is just so arbitrary. I hear from more experienced hs moms the same advice over and over: it's the days off, the time spent snuggling on the couch with a favorite book that mean the most. Thanks! And I'm glad you have more time for writing! Hope you will keep feeding us your smarts.

[C. C.]

I love this post! And your blog in general... I homeschooled my son the third year of our last post. It took two years for me to get a clue and pull him out of the worst international school we've ever experienced. Anyway, it was a great decision. We bonded, we traveled, we laughed and learned and, now that he's back in public schools, he's doing great. I think homeschooling, done well (and it sounds like you did it really well), gives children a huge advantage academically. Well done! And congratulations to your boys for blowing those tests out of the water!

[Ashley]

Thanks for this post! Now I won't feel guilty about taking a few weeks off when our next baby comes. And when we move to post six weeks later. This makes me feel a little less worried about what kind of permanent damage I'm inflicting on my children.

[Kate CA]

This post made me cry. I rejoice with you friend, and thank you so much, *so much* for the encouragement. It means a great deal.

Love you!
Kate

[Alison]

Wow, this was a post I needed today. I found your blog last spring when we decided to start the kids taking Mandarin lessons and have been following it ever since. I totally hear what you're saying about homeschooling. I hope I can take your advice and be less hard on myself. I was having one of those guilty days today, since I let the kids slack off and play outside in the fresh snow for hours today instead of doing their school work. I'm so glad your boys are doing so well in their school. I can only imagine how stressful it must have been, having them tested. Glad to hear they are doing so well.

[Shiloh]

Great post! I homeschooled all the way through junior high and high school, got a full-tuition scholarship to a private university, and am a month away from finishing a Master's degree! Yay for homeschooling success :)

Plus (and the reason I found/read your fabulous blog), I'm currently on the FSO register, and am off to Tunisia in January to refresh my Arabic enough to pass the language test ... so maybe one day we'll meet as fellow members of the State Department community!

[Jennifer]

Awesome! Thanks for linking me; right now, this week, this is exactly what I needed to read. God is good.

J

[Bethany]

Awesome Awesome work! My dream has always been to homeschool my little Wanderer all over the world. When I have kiddos who were homeschooled in my classes, I am always so excited as I know they have not been limited in their curriculum, have an amazing expanse of knowledge, and are usually so far ahead of the other kids. Bravo!

[Jessie]

You rock mama! And your boys do too! We're finishing up our first domestic, and are anxiously awaiting a handshake on our first overseas post.
Our baby's only 8 months old, but we have committed to homeschooling her due to this crazy/amazing DS life. We also get negative reactions too, and we haven't even begun!
This post is such a great testament to how much kids are learning even when we think we're not "teaching" them. What an awesome journey!

[bfiles]

Congratulations Kolbi! What an amazing story.

[Jen Ig]

Love it! Many blessings in your new exciting chapter.

[Hayley]

I might never meet you, I'm not FS, but I came across your blog, and that last posting was right on! I'm "in the thick of it" right now with homeschooling, and I wanted to make one small observation: It's increadible what Dad Mom and Kids can acomplish TOGETHER when the total family lifestyle is not Me Me Me but the strength of The Family and the education thereof. Godspeed.

[Matt Keene]

That's so awesome, Kolbi. Good for you and the boys!

[CC]

Congratulations!!! But I must say I'm not the slightest big surprised. I've been reading your blog for a while now (and even got to introduce myself for a minute when we were both in ConGen world). It's obvious how hard you work to ensure that your kids and your entire family get the things they need to have a balanced, productive life. I'm not a homeschooler, but I envy those who have the patience and abilities to do it!

[Lauren Geraghty]

I love this post. I've been homeschooling for 3 years now. I've had the daily self-debates, dealt with the less-than-understanding family, and trying to do what is best for my two. After 2 years, I put my daughter into the international school here. HS wasn't in her best interest any more and she has shined there. We're now trying to determine if the school will be a good fit for our son.

I'm so glad your family's transition was smooth and that all your hard work has been validated! You rock!

[Missy]

Kolbi, I had no idea you worried so much about homeschooling! If I didn't already tell you, my husband and I are both former HSers; I spent 3 years (middle school) homeschooling (thank heavens) and he never went to school.

My husband scored a 1470 on his SATs and could have gone to any college he wanted. He was meritoriously promoted in the Marine Corps. He is a software developer and works from home. I have a master's degree and am waiting to be an FSO. I speak three languages and have lived all over the world.

We both homeschooled in the time of arrests and I still get a lot of raised eyebrows, but I'm sure your boys will look back the way I do and appreciate that time homeschooling. My kids go to public school now and it's weird to us (my husband volunteers in my daughter's kindergarten class and he's like a cult figure to all the teachers, it's so rare for a dad to do this) but we still have habits from our upbringing -- math games at dinner, 'learning moments' while walking in the woods, museums and libraries to supplement learning -- and I'm happy to say my kids are excelling in school.

What you've given your boys will last them a lifetime. You should be proud.

[Jan]

I'm no home schooler but I get the emotion behind chapters ending and beginning, and being thankful for something you never thought you would. Tears here too! Job well done. Your kids will treasure the time you shared together, too. I'm so glad the school there is so great....and that they were able to find the right fit for your kids! One more thing figured out in your new China life!