And then My Husband & I Got in a Big Fight Right There in the Consulate

(NOT.  Because James and I don't fight, actually, believe it or not.  I just like using dramatic blog post titles that at least sort of relate to the topic at hand and catch your attention.  Did it work?)


Anyway, so, I've already whined about how, a couple of weeks ago, I sat for TWO. DAYS. at a computer at the Consulate trying to work with this hideous software program, e-QUIP, and beg it, plead with it, cry until it stopped giving me a thousand error messages and allowed me to submit my personal information in pursuit of a clearance (in hopes of possibly getting an EFM job at post).  


But what I didn't yet do is tell you the backstory.  


Day 1 of my two days in front of the computer involved just me.  Well, that's not true - since the one computer that I'm allowed to use is right smack in front of all manner of other things going on, I was never really ALONE alone, but at least I fought with worked with e-QUIP as much as I could by myself that first day. 


Day 2?  Oh, on Day 2, James had to come and sit with me and help me since e-QUIP hated my guts / wanted me to kill myself / was less than user friendly.  Perhaps this is because my life just doesn't seem to fit in its prescribed boxes (boxes that MUST be filled out or the program won't continue or gives you a thousand ERROR!! messages and THEN won't continue).


Here.  Maybe this** will explain it better:


[**And I'm not kidding, you guys.  This conversation ACTUALLY HAPPENED this exact way.] 


                                             ~   ~   ~


[Setting: James and I are in front of the Consulate EFM computer, staring at the e-QUIP screen. Because if he doesn't help me, I'll never be able to finish. Really.] 


ME (poking my finger at the screen marked "Previous Employment in the Last Ten Years"): What do I do about THIS?  It's MAKING me fill it out, even though for the last ten years I've only been a stay-at-home-mom!


JAMES (helpfully):  I guess just type "Stay at Home Mom" in the box?


ME (who has tried to do this before):  Oh, SURE.  Watch THIS.


[Types "Stay at Home Mom" in the box.  Immediately gets next empty box that also MUST be filled out, titled "Name of Supervisor."]


ME AGAIN (sarcastically):  So NOW I have to type the name of my SUPERVISOR.  And it's MAKING me enter this or I can't go on.  What do I do NOW?


JAMES (turning a bit green):  Oh, Lord. 


[Pause.  A long pause.  In which James doesn't want to speak.  And I don't blame him.]


JAMES AGAIN (helpfully):  Maybe you... put... yourself?  Like that you're your own Supervisor?


ME (yet more sarcastically):  So that I then have to fill out all the self-employment boxes that come after it??


JAMES (turning more green):  I guess.... you should just... put.... me?


ME:  WHATEVER.  I guess that's as good as anything else.


[Bitchily types "My husband?!?! How the hell am I supposed to respond to this question, anyway?!?!" into the box marked "Name of Supervisor." OH YES I DID.]


JAMES (quietly, helpfully, tentatively):  You *may not* want to actually type "hell" on the official form you're submitting to DS?  Maybe?  It's just a suggestion?


ME:  OH, FINE.


[Deletes the "hell" part and leaves:  "My husband?!?!?!" typed under "Name of Supervisor."]


*click*


ME:  Okay, now it's making me enter MY SUPERVISOR'S address, phone number, and email address.  Well, SUPERVISOR, what would you like me to type?


JAMES sighs and hands me his business card.  I type all of his contact information into the little boxes.


*click*


JAMES (groans when he sees the next screen)...


[The screen that made James groan was a question that basically asked:  "Have you ever been disciplined or threatened to be disciplined or reprimanded in this job at any time?  Or needed any remediation?  Etc.?"  and then you have to choose YES or NO in response.  Or something like that.]


ME:  Well?  And what do I put for THAT?

JAMES:  Well, you OBVIOUSLY click NO.  Because you're a good wife and mother!


ME (narrowing my eyes at him):  But in my workplace environment there aren't exactly any yearly review processes.  WHAT IF my Supervisor has actually felt that I DESERVED to be reprimanded upon occasion for poor attitude in the workplace or some other subpar job performance issues, but didn't have any mechanism for doing so??


JAMES (literally wishing for death):  You're a GOOD WIFE AND MOTHER.  CLICK "NO."  


ME:  FINE.


*clicks No and Next*


JAMES (groans audibly like he's in great physical pain)...


[The screen that made James groan audibly like he was in pain was the screen that pretty much says, "And we WILL be contacting your Supervisor to hear all about whether or not you're a good employee in order to verify that, because you just said that you are," or something like that.]


JAMES (has pretty much had it with e-QUIP at this point):  REALLY?  Well.  THAT would be interesting.  I sort of hope they DO contact me. They can just GO AHEAD.


ME (snidely but in a fake nice kind of sugary sweet way):  And if they do contact you, SUPERVISOR, will you be voluntarily disclosing that you and I are currently involved in a long-standing sexual relationship?

JAMES (brightly):  We are, aren't we?


ME:  Um, YES.  We ARE.


JAMES (musing):  So would that qualify as... some sort of workplace sexual harassment?


ME:  I should think that's some sort of textbook definition!  I can't imagine it getting any more clear cut!


JAMES (feigning confusion):  But... are *you* sexually harassing *me* or am *I* sexually harassing *you*?


ME (all matter-of-fact-like):  The legal presumption is that the person with greater authority is the harassER and the subordinate is the harassEE.  Therefore YOU are harassing ME, Mr. SUPERVISOR.  OBVIOUSLY.


JAMES:  Excellent.  That's just... fantastic.


                                              ~   ~   ~


After a few more hours of this kind of fun (NOT), I was finished correcting everything that had given me a zillion e-QUIP ERROR!! messages.


All that's left is to see if James really does get contacted as part of my background investigation.  


Since he's my current Supervisor, and all. 

Comments

[Mike]

Love the post. eQip is a complete pain, but what is really scarry is, it is easier than whay they had before. I think I found your tags funnier than your post. I never noticed the "Kill Me Now" and "People are Insane". I think I'm going to have to steal those.

Hang in there and tell 7 hi.

[James V]

LOL...ah, EQip! If it's any consolation, the process will be much easier the next time around since all your info. is saved...

[Becky]

When my friend was filling out EQip at my house, she was dealing with a lot of the same junk. (Seriously I don't get why there isn't an option for not working for a bit since there are loads of places where EFMs can't work. Lame.) We were making up all kinds of junk for those boxes. I hope you get the job you want when everything is said and done.

[Wellthatwasdifferent.wordpress.com]

LOL, this was hilarious! And thank you for giving me yet another reason to never apply for an EFM job--I have a list going that I'll have to blog about some time--

[Connie Reed]

Oh MY! This is frustratingly hilarious! Seriously though... the programmers for eQuip need to link to this post ;D

[Anne]

Oh man, what a hilarious/frustrating story. I about threw the computer out the window a few times per minute when completing mine. That thing is the worst!

[Michele]

I guess they feel if they DON'T force an answer people will just leave a bunch of boxes blank. It's stupid, I know. I think your answers were quite fitting... in a backwards archaic way that fits the backwards archaic form.

[Matt Keene]

I can't stop laughing. That's about the funniest thing I've ever read!

[Old Timer]

Ehh... I think they're using the traditional definition for "self-employed." Theirs is more like actually working and receiving salary, W-2/1099, etc, which a house-person doesn't get. If you would have chosen "unemployed" instead of "self-employed," you'd only need to list a someone who could verify your means of support during the unemployed period. But then you wouldn't have had this story :)

[A Daring Adventure]

Hello, Old Timer,

I would imagine that you are a zillion times more familiar with e-Quip than I am... but I did want to come on and say that I looked and looked and looked (and my husband was right there with me) for some way to not have to fill out the Employment part (as in - for some way to say that I was unemployed), and I found no way to do that. Which isn't to say that it wasn't there... but I sure couldn't find it. I was forced to list my Employment for the last 10 years without any gaps, and I found no way to avoid having to do that.

[bfiles]

love it!

[Consul-At-Arms]

Bear in mind that E-Quip is software indeeded for government-wide use, not something designed solely to torture Eligible Family Members.

There are lots of exceptional circumstances that don't ever quite fit into their little boxes, which is why it helps to not be too literal-minded when completing it.

[TulipGirl]

Can't stop giggling at the "sexual harassment." That better not go on his EER!

[Hayley]

Was there there an option for "saved the US Taxpayer approx. $100,000 YTD by teaching my children myself"?
That was a great story!

[Sara Roy]

I hated filling out eQuip for my clearance. Sorry you had to do that.

[Jessica (Lindsey Mae's Blog)]

Love it! Also love that this conversation will probably take place between me and my husband in the future. :) You can add me to the blogger map for Manila if you'd like. Our time here is from April 2010 to March 2012.

[Karin]

Hello from India! It's Karin from ConGen. I just stumbled across your blog (another blog had a link to it). I hope you are all doing well in China, and I hope the battle with E-Quip has been won.

[Jill]

I beg to differ with James V ... e-Quip ALWAYS sucks ... and our orders were kicked back 3 times this last year because it's antiquated and back-asswards.

No surprise you wanted to commit harry-carry afterwards!