Stupid Freaking Moon Cakes, GOD

I know I keep saying over and over again that I'm going to write blog posts about how much I love China (which I do, seriously), but then in reality I always actually end up writing blog posts which sort of sound like I'm making fun of China even though I SWEAR I'M NOT.


This is another one of those blog posts, of course. And this is probably a great time to remind everyone that the United States does NOT write this blog and does NOT authorize this blog's content and would actually probably run screaming from this blog if given the opportunity.


We clear? Okay. Moving on.


So next week here in China is some sort of really long holiday, which is like YAY! because of course my husband is supposed to be off for it (operative phrase: "supposed to." In reality, we shall see.). This is because when you're serving overseas (theoretically) you get to take off both the major American holidays AND the local country's major holidays, so BONUS!


So, anyway, the major Chinese holiday around here next week is something about Autumn or Harvest or whatever and it's a super major big deal sort of like, I don't know, Christmas and Thanksgiving all wrapped up in one. It goes ALL WEEK LONG, which is not at all American, because in America we get an official day off every few months for random this or that, but never anything like a whole week off all at one time. I'm telling you - China knows how to party. 


The problem, of course, is that when they party they do all sorts of things that I don't understand because, of course, I'm a white bread American girl and we don't have stuff back in the United States like this:

Moon Cakes contain a paste made out of mashed beans. And, yes, that IS a whole, hardboiled egg yolk inside. YUM.

Which are called "Moon Cakes," and which are the major celebratory holiday fare of the region. So much so that the tiny little bakery where we buy our sandwich bread had a HUGE truck back up to their teensy little front door and unload so many boxes of professionally-made Moon Cakes that the boxes stacked up to their ceiling all over the store. Seriously.


To me, Moon Cakes taste pretty disgusting. I mean, no offense, Chinese people, I totally respect how even your sugary treats aren't sugary, which is why all of y'all are the opposite of obese Americana, but really now- desserts made out of smashed beans and whole hard boiled egg yolks just wouldn't go over well in the U.S. on major holidays. Or even minor ones.


And you, Dear Reader, would probably surmise that since China as a whole is obviously free to enjoy eating whatever its little heart desires on its own major holidays, that if Moon Cakes are such a big deal that they're basically like egg nog and Thanksgiving turkey and pumpkin pie and Christmas green bean casserole all all wrapped up in one, then China can just have at it and this wouldn't affect me. You'd think that it's Not My Problem, right?


But you'd be WRONG.

You're WRONG. Wrong, wrong, wrong...

Moon Cakes ARE my problem. THEY ARE **SO** MY PROBLEM. This is because I'm an employer, you guys. I employ an ayi. And employers are supposed to buy their employees Moon Cakes for the holiday.


Now, my ayi (pronounced like the letters i.e.) is the most wonderful creature on the entire earth. The sun rises and sets at her feet. I worship the ground she walks on. And here in China, like I said, employers are supposed to buy Moon Cakes for their employees. It's just What's Done. It's like back in the Charles Dickens days when Scrooge was supposed to buy the Christmas duck or turkey or goose or whatever for the Bob Cratchit family. IT'S WHAT'S DONE. 


Except my ayi won't let me buy her Moon Cakes. Every time I try to broach the topic, she wigs out. Sort of like when I tried to buy her daughter a store-made birthday cake for her birthday. Wigged out seven ways to Sunday. NO, she doesn't want Moon Cakes, NO, don't buy them for her, NO, her husband's employer already bought some for their family, NO, it's not up for discussion, NO NO NO NO NO.


And then, the next day, when I even brought a Moon Cake catalog home from the bakery, showing the zillions of different kinds of Moon Cake packages for sale and asking if she'd like to pick one out, she lept away from the catalog like it was a venemous snake trying to bite her, and continued with the NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! thing. 

And I would totally up and buy her Moon Cakes anyway, even though she freaks out at the thought of it and tells me NO NO NO NO NO, except for you don't really do stuff like that here in China because then people get offended. The "face" thing. It's big here. Does it include Moon Cakes purchases? I have no idea. I'M NOT CHINESE. I DON'T KNOW THESE THINGS.


So now I'm all freaked out because I feel like no matter what I do I'm a horrible boss. Who knew that a dessert that isn't really dessert-y that tastes disgusting and contains hard boiled eggs and mashed up beans could be SO MUCH FREAKING TROUBLE?  


So, anyway, I'm not going to buy the Moon Cakes. And I'm going to feel like I've gotten lost somewhere between here and there (here being: "The employer is supposed to buy the Moon Cakes," and there being: "NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!"), and I'm sort of damned if I do and damned if I don't.


And lest you think I'm some sort of horrible person (which I am but not over this, at least not intentionally), I will tell you that if I thought that there was any way I could buy them without offending or horrifying her, I would do it in a heartbeat. And also, she actually said that Moon Cakes don't taste that great. Which maybe makes them more like, I don't know, the Chinese version of fruitcake except made out of beans and hard boiled eggs.


Which may actually improve fruitcake, come to think of it.

Comments

[Danielle]

hilarious post as usual! But by the moon cakes for her anyways!! Just make sure you aren't around when she is leaving for the night and it will be far less awkward! :)

[Alix]

Ha ha. I LOVE Mooncakes! Wish I had some...

[connie]

So, is it "NO! Really don't buy them"? Or "NO! I have to say no for luck but really do buy them"? Or... Yikes! Might need to ask a local person who has their own employees what such a no might actually mean... but not a baker...

[Becky]

A lady at my kids' school was handing out cookies instead today. I could get on board with that. "Hey let's swap Oreos!"

(Though someone made me homemade moon cakes once that were amazing. Not sure how traditional they were though [no egg, tea, or hairy meat floss stuff]. And I'm pretty sure they were about 4000 calories each. They are the only kind I've ever liked and I actually like the sweet bean pastes overall. Most mooncakes though are just ugh.) Good luck! The gift giving culture can be so frustrating. I just don't get it sometimes. I try but I always feel like I messed up, no matter what I do. I hope you enjoy the time off.

[Amy]

go to Hagan Daaz or Starbucks (maybe) and they sell fakey foreigner moon cakes - made of stuff we all actually think is yummy....

[7]

Next year I am shipping in a case of Moon Pies.

[Career Diplomat]

She might be saving face, but mooncakes aren't the best. In Singapore, mooncakes are eaten with pommelos (like a giant grapefruit) - would it be foreigner gauche to buy the pommelo? Also, they get red envelopes with money in them. Even amounts - odd amounts are unlucky, and four means death or something. Eight is the luckiest of all. So, to sum up my advice, give her an even amount of money in a red envelope and a giant grapefruit thing and you should be able to slide on the yuckcakes. Speaking of mooncakes, they make a green-tea-flavored-lotus-paste one here with an apricot in the center. That one's pretty good.

[Wellthatwasdifferent.wordpress.com]

Cracked me up as always! At the Chinese restaurants here they always bring us litchis for dessert. I am not impressed.

[Sam]

I recommend putting an American twist to it (being that you are American and still wanting to conform to CHinese customs out of respect) So instead of the nasty moonpie- substitute it with some kind of tasty American junk food like bake a real chocolate Moonpie with the vanilla filling. There. Respect and good flavor you can check off your list :0) Love ya!

[Sirianna]

You are a very funny lady indeed!!! I have been following your blog a bit now and i have to say, love me some sense of humor. If understood correctly your hubby is DS and I can so relate with "vacation time/holiday for everybody but oops, not for you DS. Something came up." yep. We'll try again next time.