A Daring Adventure

My Husband + Management Tokyo = My Heroes

So, like, I told you guys already that I had to leave Georgetown pretty much at the drop of a hat and come to Tokyo, but I didn't really tell you why.


This is because, quite frankly, when I wrote that last blog post, the situation was still occurring and in flux, and since it all really really angered me, I felt like I should wait to blog about it until I could do so more objectively.


So.

Well, basically, back when we were in China some things SUCKED, but one thing went well, and that was Zachary's school. He LOVED his school there. 


Then he came to Tokyo. 

Now, before coming to Tokyo, we researched schools online. Just like everyone. And we chose one. Just like most people. Because you have to have this stuff in place before you arrive at post in October (way after school has started) because you want your 9th grade son to not miss a single day more of the school year than he already was going to be missing.


It didn't take us long to choose. We chose what I will refer to as "Sexy Website School" (SWS) because, well, their website was sexy. That and, in our defense, it really did look to be the best fit. Most of us end up having to blindly make a school choice before we get to post armed with only the website and a bit of other knowledge. Y'all know how it is.

So Zachary started at SWS and, from the first day, he hated it. Actually, that word deserves caps: he HATED it. There were problems all over the place and really, there's not much point in my getting into any of the specifics as to why. Just trust me: SWS wasn't a good fit. Now, Zachary LOVES school and LOVES learning and LOVES having friends at school, etc. So we just didn't see this coming, Zachary hating a school. But there it was. With James here in Tokyo (with no wife) and me back in DC.


As the school days went by, Zachary's school misery continued (and increased). Only... only... only the RSO shop here is super wicked crazy insane busy - far, far, FAR busier than anything that ever went down in Chengdu - and SWS is super far away from our home (and we don't have a car here), and James was finding that he didn't have the time to do everything: work a super busy and very demanding job, mess with the school issues, look for other schools in the meantime, go food shopping, cook meals, clean, do laundry, help with homework, etc. (It's Japan so household help wasn't happening.) 


So one day it became obvious that SWS wasn't going to be able to be our school of choice. That Zachary was going to have to be withdrawn from school and that other schools were going to have to be looked at, etc. And so I left Georgetown, got on a plane, and came to Tokyo. 


I met with the SWS administration and teachers when I got here. There was little that could be done to make the situation any better, but I knew that I had to try. Again, I'm not going to bandy specific complaints about the school around all over my blog, because that's tacky and no one cares anyway. Suffice it will to say that even with my meeting with SWS, the whole thing didn't work out and a few days after my arrival in Tokyo, I pulled Zachary out of school for good.

Which is when it all super mega hit the fan. 


Now, back a few weeks ago - pretty much the day that Zachary had started at SWS - the school had sent the Embassy a bill for Zachary's tuition (for the full year) and the fees related to his enrollment. This is standard, I'm sure - sending the Embassy a bill for everything pretty much the very first day. But it's noteworthy to point out that the total for the full year tuition and all of the one-time fees was somewhere between $30,000 and $40,000. Just keep that big ol' number in the back of your mind. 


Since Zachary had hated the school from the very first day, James had seen that huge bill for the whole year of tuition and proceeded to ask The Management/Money People at post to hold on to that bill and not immediately pay it. This is because my husband is brilliant and savvy. The Management/Money People sat on the bill as requested because they are awesome here. 


A few school days later (Zachary actually attended SWS for fifteen school days total) and our family pulls Zachary out of school. So what happens next, ye bureaucratically-knowledgeable people who read my blog?


Indeed. 

The money wars. 


Almost exactly like a divorce, and I'm not kidding, except that there have been divorces far more amicable than this. 


Upon receipt of our polite email withdrawing Zachary, SWS calls James. Calls James and tells him over the phone that they're confident that the huge $30,000-40,000 bill for the whole school year (that they previously mailed to the Embassy) has most likely already been paid. That the Embassy has most likely already cut the check. That the check is most likely already in the mail. And that, if the check is indeed already in the mail, that the school will cash the check and keep every penny. Which, SWS (correctly) points out, will keep Zachary from having any funding left over with which to switch schools this school year. 






James is silent, though he already knows that that particular bill has not been paid. Since he had ASKED for it not to be paid.


Cue the Management People Being My Heroes Thing here. Because, quite frankly, a State kid at any post only has a certain pot of money with which to fund his or her education per school year, and if SWS got their hands on the whole pot of money (as they wanted), our family would be screwed. 


The Management People call and email SWS. Because no one (other than SWS) could possibly think that SWS deserves to keep THE ENTIRE YEAR OF TUITION AND $8,000 IN FEES (again, between $30,000 and $40,000 total) for a child who only attended school for 15 school days. 

The Management People sent SWS a fantastic email. Oh Sexy Website School, they began, we all are such good friends. Let us all be friendly friends who help each other in peace and harmony and friendship. Can we not see to it that you receive enough funding that you feel that you have been treated well whilst also ensuring that this child would have enough money left over with which he could switch schools? 


And lo, it came to pass. It came to pass that SWS settled for less than the full year of tuition (I think they got about $10,000. For fifteen days of school). 


It came to pass that Zachary and I have been able to find another school for him. He starts at this new school at a new semester mark in January. 


It came to pass that I have been homeschooling Zachary during this whole back-and-forth with SWS, and I will continue to homeschool him until he starts at his new school in January. 

And it came to pass that I have been exceedingly impressed with The Money People here, who have ensured that all is well that ends well and that Zachary could switch schools.


And it also came to pass that I had to snicker at SWS totally underestimating my husband.


O people. When will ye stop underestimating my husband? For though he is soft spoken, and is always laid back, and seems to be a harmless little fuzzball, he is super wicked brilliant, and when you try to match wits with him you will always lose. This goes about triple for you if you're trying to screw over his family.


If James hadn't interceded and made sure that the bill wasn't immediately paid, then Zachary wouldn't be able to switch schools this year and SWS would be permanently in possession of $30,000 - $40,000 dollars. If the Management People hadn't stepped in and interceded on our behalf regarding the charges, ditto. The whole thing, even now, still isn't completely resolved, and when I say that yanking a State kid out of one school and stuffing them into another mid year is much like a divorce, I'm not kidding. I pulled Zachary out almost three weeks ago and we are STILL negotiating back and forth with SWS and with the new school about this and that and money. Always money. Hopefully it will all be resolved before Zachary starts at his new school in January.


So that's the story. Tune in next time, when I talk about goodness only knows what. You never know with me. In the meantime, if you would like to read something insanely awesome, please go read my dear friend Donna's touching blog post (when she refers to Tokyo in it? Yeah, she's talking about me) discussing this incredible article that hit me so hard it has taken me more than a week to talk about it. Gripping. Painful. Astonishing. Breathtaking. Yes, James and I have our own story, much like the poor woman in the article (and Donna's poor Marine), though time has softened the edges... a bit. 

The Epic Tale of The YEAR of Bidding

As I said in my last blog post...

The YEAR of bidding is over for us.

We ultimately got Tokyo and are thrilled. And while the journey of what we went through this past year has a happy ending, I think the story is definitely worth telling. 


Bidding, for us, actually started more than a year ago. It started last August 1st, if I remember correctly, which is when the summer bid list first came out.


When the bid list came out, it was awfully pretty, but we knew that none of those overseas posts on that initial list were ever going to be ours. This is because James didn't have any bidding preference at all. He wasn't an AIP/PSP bidder, he wasn't a 5/8 bidder, and he was coming off of one overseas tour already. In DS Land, if you don't have preference bidding (as an AIP/PSP bidder or as a 5/8 bidder), you already most likely aren't going to get an overseas assignment. Let's just face reality. And once you toss in that you're ALREADY overseas, you're REALLY not going to get an overseas spot. 


James and I knew that we were in for the long haul, because we still were hoping against hope that we could pull off a second, or back-to-back, overseas tour after Chengdu (the impossible). We also knew that, together with James not having any bidding preference, we were also in trouble because James' dates didn't match with almost anything ever offered on the bid list. You see, there was almost never anything on the bid list that matched James' dates for departure from Chengdu (around September). The dates for everything on the bid list always seemed to be either for the beginning of summer (June/July), or WAY out toward the end of the year, like November or December, or even that next January or February. Nothing matched in the September/October time period. Not even close. Which didn't help.


So, yeah. Between us trying to stay overseas after Chengdu, and James not having any bidding preference, and none of the spots on the bid list matching our dates, and us already being overseas, and our only being able to bid on places with high schools, and more than half of the jobs gone because James couldn't bid on the kind of position he had just done in Chengdu, we knew it was going to be nearly impossible to get anything. But James still had to bid and lobby, and so he did. Every two to three weeks James had to redo his entire bid list as things were given to other people at the panels, and then had to re-bid and re-lobby. Over and over and over again. Every two to three weeks. 


Things went on like this from last August (2012) until this February (2013) or so. With James bidding and lobbying and then re-bidding and re-lobbying, over and over again, every two to three weeks. Seven months of it.


And during those seven or so months, the overseas jobs all went to AIP/PSP bidders and 5/8ths bidders, which was totally fine because I truly believe that those folks deserve the preference they get. No doubt about it. But as those people were given the preference they deserve (and there were a LOT of them!), the bid list dwindled and dwindled and dwindled, and the remaining things on the list were even further away from our dates of departure from Chengdu. Sure, there were still a few overseas things here and there on the list, but none of them even remotely matched with our dates. The whole thing was just a total mess.


So we started thinking hard about what the future most likely held for us, which was a domestic position. Also most likely - a domestic position in Washington DC.


It was at this time that I started dusting off my own ambitions. Because, I reasoned, if we were most likely going to be given a DC assignment (let's face reality), then I could go back to school! REAL school, not just school over the internet, for things that I found really exciting and that could maybe one day employ me and pay me money and give me something to do with my days since I suck (SUCK SUCK SUCK) at the whole EFM thing. SUCK, SUCK, SUCK, SUCK, SUCK.


So in January/February I started the very long process of applying to the program at Georgetown that I was ultimately admitted to. At the time of application, it was literally something I never dreamed I would ever be given. You see, I am old and there are about a zillion people out there who are more intelligent than I am, and so applying to this program at Georgetown was basically like my buying a lottery ticket - fun to dream about but something I was certain I wouldn't end up getting. 


Meanwhile, James was still tenaciously bidding on (and lobbying for!) only overseas jobs, since there were still a few here and there scattered about on the bid list. This was in February and then went into March or so.


I still remember the very last overseas job on the bid list that early spring - Dar es Salaam. It was March (I think? or April?) and Dar es Salaam was The. Very. Last. Overseas. Job. Kid you not. It was like the last helicopter out of Saigon for those of us who wanted an overseas assignment, and it was bid on accordingly. I think Dar es Salaam ended up with something like 28 bids on it AT GRADE before it was paneled...to someone other than James, of course, since you already know how this story ends.


The funny thing was that right about when we didn't get Dar - or any overseas assignment, for that matter - and it was obvious that we were going to end up going domestic (most likely to DC), that out of nowhere Georgetown emailed me and told me that I had been admitted. I literally started sobbing hysterically at 6:30am China time when I read the email, waking James from a sound sleep, and it was minutes until I could calm myself down enough to tell him why I was sobbing. The fact that someone somewhere thought that I had potential (and Georgetown, to boot!) after the years that I had spent begging State to notice that I was even alive was so emotionally overwhelming for me that I will never forget the feeling. 


So.


The fact that all of the overseas assignments were then gone off the bidlist, coupled with my acceptance email to Georgetown, cinched the deal in our minds, and James went off to work that morning ready to bid voraciously for DC jobs and DC jobs only.


It was initially suggested to James (not by me, just thought I would note that) that he bid for

Tigerville.

 
Um, NO.

This is pretty much the best James could do were he to try his hand at being a Tiger. Just saying.

 
So James perused the bid list and settled on what we will now lovingly refer to as DCJob#1, and then he bid for it and lobbied for it, sending emails out about it hither and yon.


DCJob#1's folks seemed thrilled and wanted him, and James was thrilled to be wanted, and literally within, like, a day or two the deal was (informally) done and James was (informally) headed to DCJob#1. This is when I wrote this blog post, which is actually painful for me to go back and read. At that point, our path seemed so clear: I was going to Georgetown, James (informally) had a job in DC - I had even chosen a rental house in the Northern VA area and was busily working with a realtor to get the thing rented so we could be done with bidding and start getting everything in order to move our whole family to the DC area. 


But since you already know how this story ends, you also already know that DCJob#1 didn't end up happening. I won't burden you with why or how DCJob#1 didn't happen (because it isn't important), except to say that it had nothing at all to do with James or anything about James or connected with James or concerning James. Totally independent of James-related issues, about six (or more?) weeks after it seemed like it was going to happen, DCJob#1 didn't.


I stopped the process of renting the house.


James went back to the bid list. Again he chose another job, which we shall lovingly call DCJob#2, and he bid on it and lobbied for it. Hard.


DCJob#2 decided to interview James over the phone. And during the interview, DCJob#2 asked James a question that, to this day, super duper ticks me off. It asked James to explain What was wrong with him that he didn't have an onward assignment yet.


Never mind that at that point James was still one of 130+ leftover summer bidders of his bidding class who were in the exact same position as he was and still didn't have onward assignments. James did what I thought was a great job of answering the question (This has been a very difficult bidding season / There are still more than 130+ summer bidders still who have yet to receive onward assignments / I spent seven or so months rolling the dice and trying to stay overseas, but wasn't successful / I had a DC assignment that I thought was going to happen, so for the last two months I haven't been actively re-bidding, but then it fell through), but I WAS MAD. SO MAD. I think this was probably the lowest of the low points for us that whole year of bidding - James literally having to explain over the phone during an interview WHAT WAS WRONG WITH HIM THAT HE DIDN'T HAVE AN ONWARD ASSIGNMENT YET.  


As you already know, DCJob#2 didn't happen. And in retrospect, of course I'm glad we have Tokyo instead. But anyway...


So James went back to the bid list, picked out DCJob#3, and started lobbying for it. 


It was at this time that something strange occurred. Something we've never seen or heard of before. I can't imagine it happens very often (ever? Other than just this once?) in DS, but a large tranche of brand-new overseas positions was created, and it flowed out onto the NOW bid list (the summer bid list had long ago disappeared) like a tidal wave. Some of the places were absolutely fantastic. (Like, you know, TOKYO.) Plus...the AIP bidders had long been given assignments (so we were no longer competing with them), there were still some 5/8 bidders but not enough to claim ALL of the new overseas positions that had been created and released (we hoped), the new overseas assignments all fit James' dates perfectly - we felt like James might actually have a shot at something. But, of course, we couldn't be sure.


And also - what about Georgetown? I had already enrolled, chosen my fall class schedule - done everything but moved to DC. 


We spent about a week talking, crying, agonizing. If James stopped going after DC jobs, it could well mean he would be bidding for MONTHS longer (and he did). It could well mean that he STILL wouldn't get an overseas job (thank God he actually did end up getting one, but I'm just saying). It was a huge risk for James to change course away from trying for DC jobs and try again (and again and again) for overseas jobs, especially with a wife who had already committed to Georgetown for the fall semester and a son needing to start 9th grade somewhere. But that's what he did. And it paid off. After another few more months of bidding, he got Tokyo. And we are so grateful.

But the aftermath is still messy, with James and Matthew still in Chengdu with no idea when they will be able to leave, and with Zachary and me in the States, moving on without them, both of us starting school soon, not knowing what the plans will be. We actually even had to pay $4,000 of our own money to buy us our own two tickets out of Chengdu, since State refused over and over to pay for us to leave. Maybe the money we paid for the tickets will be reimbursed someday, and maybe it won't. I'm still upset that State literally said it wouldn't pay for our tickets out of Chengdu because Zachary's and my reasons for leaving before James "weren't good enough." That's a direct quote out of the email denying us any way for State to pay for our tickets (and no, we were also denied the ability to sign a repayment agreement for the tickets). Glorious. 


What a long, painful journey it has been, this last YEAR of bidding. And of course, we're not done with everything yet. I will head to Georgetown and attend the fall semester and then our family will go from there. Maybe that one semester will show me that I was meant to only be a stay-at-home wife and that I ought to take up cross stitching or quilting or something and shut up about wanting to be someone. And maybe that semester will show me that I LOVE studying and learning, and I will bounce back and forth to Georgetown while still trying to be a wife and mom.


Anyway.


The bid list just opened a couple of weeks ago for this year's summer bidders. I wish for them a journey that is smoother and shorter than ours was. I will say this: James' CDO was literally the most amazing person EVER. They should build a shrine for James' amazing CDO and have them teach "How to be a Kickass Awesome CDO" classes at FSI or something. Kid you not. They are Just. That. Awesome. As I've said before. And now, months later, I mean it even more. James' CDO's awesomeness only got more awesome with time. Talk about a kind, supportive, empathetic, responsive, personable CDO. If I could send them a platter of brownies or something without looking like a psycho crazy stalker I would. (I will refrain.) We just really hit the CDO jackpot this time around.


That and James also has an amazing Assignments Officer who goes above and beyond to do everything that can be done (and more!) to help us in our crazy situation. So yes, absolutely, ours has a happy ending, and absolutely Tokyo is better than anything we could have ever dreamed or hoped for. And now you know how we got it.


The end.

In Which James ACTUALLY GETS an Onward Assignment!!! (And Other Stuff.)

After a year (A. YEAR.) of bidding, I am thrilled to announce that my husband has been officially HR paneled for the onward assignment we will be heading to after we leave Chengdu, China!!

 

TOKYO, JAPAN!!!!!!!

 

If you're DS, you will immediately recognize how CRAZY OFF THE CHARTS **YOU-HAVE-GOT-TO-BE-KIDDING-ME-INSANE** it is that we just got Tokyo as our ownard assignment. I mean, we're already overseas! So this gives us two back to back overseas tours! Without having gone to AIP! And without even doing a DC tour! (And with his wife getting her blog shut down over and over again!!) Because, thus far, James' career path has been: BSAC, Houston Field Office (1 year), Mandarin language training at FSI (1 year), Chengdu, China (2 years) and then a second overseas tour right after that.

This literally never ever happens, you guys. Ever. And Tokyo?? It's such an amazing assignment it's, like, even better than what DS AIP folks get coming out of AIP.

 

It is. Kid you not.

 

We actually were initially given the handshake for Tokyo almost two weeks ago. And James and I both decided that it was, like the .gif above says, just like a dream.

When James told me over the phone that he had just gotten a handshake to Tokyo? I literally started screaming. And I'm not a screamer, you guys.

We literally couldn't believe that it could possibly be real. Tokyo?  TOKYO??? Like I said, AIP bidders with blackmail materials on high up folks who are also willing to sell their own body parts (and children) don't even get Tokyo. Even after the handshake, James kept waiting to get an email saying that the whole Tokyo thing was a mistake and that he'd actually been assigned to clean toilets at FLETC with his own toothbrush. We weren't going to tell anyone about Tokyo until he was HR paneled and officially given his TMOne for Tokyo. Until it was in writing. Signed, sealed, delivered. Only then, we said, would we tell people.


James was HR paneled today. So now it's official. 

James FINALLY has an onward assignment!! And what an onward assignment it is...

I can FINALLY tell the whole entire year-long-bidding crazy story. But not today. Today is actually for the bottom line information. Sort of like I'm letting you read the very last page of the book before I start telling you the story. Today is for saying the big stuff, like: we got Tokyo.


There is other big news to share. Such as: I'm not going. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'll go to Tokyo sometime, but I will not be going with James and the boys when they initially travel to Tokyo at the start of James' assignment. 


I will be going SMA (apart from my family) and staying in the Washington DC area while attending Georgetown University. You see, Georgetown admitted me to a highly selective and very prestigious math/science/health sciences program (a kind of program where only twenty people total are admitted), and I will be starting in the fall. I just can't pass this opportunity up. I have actually known about this since last April, but chose not to blog about it for many reasons (will say more later). I did try foreshadowing, though, which is why I've blogged here and there about Calculus and how badly I suck at being an EFM. Just so people wouldn't be TOO terribly shocked when the whole Georgetown thing went down. 


The last news item I have right now is that I have already left Chengdu and am already in the United States. Actually, my younger son, Zachary, is with me, also. I had to leave Chengdu earlier than James and Matthew in order to get things ready for me to go to Georgetown, and also so that we could cope with whatever came our way. James hadn't been paneled yet when I left and we knew that anything could happen.


I will explain everything - the bidding saga, the Georgetown saga, etc. - in the next blog post. But for now?

We got TOKYO!!! And we got GEORGETOWN!!!!

 

Consumables Epic Fail: Fail Beyond Imagination

It's eerie.


Two years ago EXACTLY, James and I were buying our consumables for Chengdu.


Ah, memories. I remember it like it was yesterday.

Let's go buy consumables! And then let's go buy MORE!

 
I even blogged about consumables shopping two years ago. And actually, it's really entertaining that I posted a picture with that old blog post from two years ago:

Circa fall 2011 - taken in a parking lot at Costco - James is pushing (in the rain, up an incline) a trolley filled with just a few of the consumables we purchased. I can tell you now just how much of that was already ruined the day it arrived here: LOTS. At least the pizza got eaten.

 
Back then, Consulate Chengdu had no CLO. Back then, there was no one we could turn to for consumables advice. And seeing as it was our first tour overseas, and seeing as that we'd never even been to China before, we were pretty much clueless. And thus totally SCREWED. But that didn't stop me from trying.


Little did I know that the consumables shipment itself would take literally months and months AND MONTHS to reach us in Chengdu. And that the contents of our shipment would get so hot that it would melt glass.


Read that again, you guys, for it is worth repeating. Our shipments got so hot that some of our GLASS? MELTED. Kid you not - my Auntie had long ago given me beautiful, delicate wine glasses that were made of hand-blown glass, and THEY MELTED in our shipment. Not all the way, but some. Enough to show us that our shipment? GOT REALLY REALLY HOT. Was it packed next to (or inside?) a ship's boiler room? Did it pass through the fiery gates of hell itself? We shall never know. 


Anyway, upon arrival a whole lot of our stuff in our consumables shipment was already unusable. Raisins? Ruined. How the hell fruit that is already dried gets destroyed I have no idea, but there you have it. They were crystallized and wholly inedible. Microwave popcorn? Ruined. The oils used inside the bag were already rancid. Steel cut oats? Ruined. They overheated and were rancid, also. Nuts such as pecans and almonds? Rancid. Bagged sugar? Solidified.


Most of my canned goods (other than, notably, evaporated milk and sweetened condensed milk, which were already spoiled on arrival) made it with flying colors. In contrast, items in jars (like salsa in jars or spaghetti sauce in jars) were already teetering on bad and didn't make it past another month or two. Organic ketchup was DOA, but normal Heinz ketchup made it. Hoity-toity designer mustard didn't make it... but regular yellow mustard did.  


What did I do with all of my ruined items? I wish I could say that I was organized enough to just summarily toss the hell out of them the minute they got here and I realized they were unusable. Alas, I would be lying. Even at this moment, I still have all of those ruined items in my home. Maybe I am embarrassed to throw away what looks, on the outside, to be perfectly good food. Maybe I keep them around so I can wallow in my feelings of failure when I see them every day. Which I do. Many times.

Behold!!!


 

Mount Saint Raisins, for your viewing pleasure. All ruined. As of two years ago. All still in my house. Seven, eight, nine packages of them. Or more. Yes, we would have used that many raisins in two years had we been in the US. Don't judge me!

And like unto it...

Mount Saint Jar Salsa. Located conveniently in between Mount Saint Raisins on the right and Mount Saint Canned Water Chestnuts, on the left. The jar salsa was DOA when it hit Chengu, already spoiled. The canned water chestnuts? Brought them 'cause I thought I'd be making all manner of spinach dip for all manner of social events. Alas, China has no frozen spinach. And thus we have Mount Saint Sliced Water Chestnuts. You're judging me again. Stop that. And also - anyone want some canned tomato soup? WE HAVE PLENTY.

 

 I think I've given you enough background at this point. Here's the list.


CONSUMABLES THAT WERE TOTAL EPIC FAIL:

Raisins, and any kind of dried fruit 

Most anything in glass/plastic jars (other than jam and jelly, which did very well) such as glass jar salsa, glass jar pickles, plastic jar spaghetti sauce, and plastic jar honey (which, like CURDLED or something)

Stupid stuff I bought too much of and don't even use in the US. Why? WHY did I buy eleventy zillion cans of green beans, peas, and corn? I don't use them in the US, why did I think I would use them in China?

Quaker Instant Oatmeal in individual, flavored packets. Already ruined on arrival. And when I didn't throw them out like I should have, they sprouted a zillion pantry bugs that crawled through my house and made babies. Everywhere.  

Steel cut oatmeal, even the stuff from Whole Foods packed in what looks like high end paint jars. DOA

Lipton Onion Soup mix (like for chips and dip). Because there's no sour cream in Chengdu.

Protein Powder for frozen fruit smoothies. Because there's no frozen fruit in Chengdu.

Canned evaporated milk and sweetened condensed milk. All DOA

ALL nuts. ALL were DOA - rancid

Anything Velveeta. DOA in our consumables shipment. And even when we ordered from Amazon, didn't last long enough to get eaten. This includes blocks of Velveeta and Velveeta-based macaroni and cheese.

Bagged flour. If I had frozen it the minute I got it, it might have had a fighting chance. But I didn't have much freezer space, so it got rancid and also sprouted bugs.

Chef Boyardee in pop top cans. The same stuff in regular cans did great, but the small (lunch size?) pop top cans? FAIL.

Organic ketchup. Designer mustard. Both were DOA

Parmesan cheese. Yes, the stuff you can buy off the unrefrigerated shelf in the US. It was BROWN when it got here and reeked. Mega DOA

BBQ sauce. It might have lasted a few months after we got here, especially if stored in the fridge, but not long enough for us to use a whole lot of it, and my fridge is tiny. That included other sauces like teriyaki or whatever.

Microwave popcorn. Again, rancid oils.

Mayonnaise in any container type. Oh my soul, talk about RANCID. 

____________________

 
Next time, I will offer you Consumables: EPIC WIN. Because there actually were some things that did well and impressed me. 

 

It is Finished.

(No, NOT bidding.)


(It feels like bidding will NEVER be finished.)


(It feels like bidding will be with me until the end of time.)


(Death. Taxes.  AND BIDDING.)


Anyway, what is actually finished is Calculus. My summer Calculus class (that I ended up in because the morning my spring semester was over, I had an anxiety attack because I knew I would then have nothing to do, and so I immediately enrolled in a summer Calculus class and tortured my new professor until he opened the online classes up early for me.)


This is because, and I've said it before but I'll say it again, I SUCK - royally, epically SUCK SUCK SUCK *SUCK* - at being an EFM and having nothing to do. That building? Over there? That my husband (and now my older son) call home all day long (and longer)? That building they belong in? That they do important things in? That they have friends in and special clearances and badges for? That their contributions are valued in?


That's THEIR building. Not mine. That's truly how I feel. And I have nowhere to... be. Nothing to... do. Unless I'm busy taking a class online. And then the world fades away and my brain is engaged and the time passes happily. 


So, yeah. classes. Those things that keeps me sane.


I didn't finish the whole Calc class in a month like I had originally hoped to do, but that's because I've been sick as a dog multiple times during Calc (literally I have been super sick with three different colds/flus these last four to five weeks, such that out of these last five weeks I've been sick three to four of them) - and then we've also had bidding drama all over the place (just wait, you guys. Just WAIT until I can tell you the story), so I am cutting myself slack for going past my original four-week plan. I finished with a 100 average in the class, anyway, so that has to count for something. Plus, Calculus was an absolute BLAST and ever so much better than PreCalc, which was replete with boring formulae. No formulas in Calculus!!! Gotta love it.**


Anyway,

Good question. I finished my final exam at 11:45 am, made lunch for my family at noon, and now, two hours later, I am literally fighting back PANIC because I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO.

I know that if I were a normal person, or a normal student, I would be all

Except I'm not. I'm freaking out.

Meanwhile, Chengdu has been having the worst, thickest pollution weather on the face of the earth these last couple of weeks since school let out. Truly, abysmally bad. Atrociously, heinously bad. So bad that I want to collectively yell at everyone who isn't in Chengdu (or China?) right now:

Truly, y'all - I'm not making this up. It's been seriously awful, thick pollution combined with rain, which means that it looks like it is RAINING MUD. I'm sitting in my bedroom this very second watching little streaks of MUD dripping down my window pane. Is this mud- from the sky? Is this water from the sky combined with what was already on my windows? WHO KNOWS.

Oh, wait - I'm forgetting to put on my "happy FS hat" and be more optimistic-like. I hate it when I do that. 


I'll try to inwardly adjust my attitude ... hold on just a sec...


Here - is this better?

There. I'll try to behave myself.

Anyway.


So the bottom line is that I need something to do. Mercifully, or maybe NOT mercifully, I know that I need to take a good look at my consumables - what's left over, what we may use before we leave, what will never get used, what I was an idiot to bring in the first place - and get all the Epic Consumables Fail written down in one place so I never do such a bad job at consumables ever again. 


Because someday we may move somewhere again that gives us a consumables shipment. And Lord have mercy, you guys, ain't NO WAY I could EVER screw it up again as badly as I did this time! I mean, of course, I know I'll screw it up somehow, but please PLEASE let me never screw it up as badly as I did this time.


Maybe that will be my next blog post.


"Consumables Epic Fail: My Enormous Mistakes on Parade for the World to See."


I know it will help me. Maybe it will help someone else in the process. Who knows?


____________________
 
** [If you, Dear Readers, are currently taking PreCalculus - or if your offspring are currently taking PreCalculus - and if you/they are sick to death and weighed down by all of the zillions of mind-numbing formulas, please let me just say that Calculus was, at least for both me and my older son, about ten bazillion times better than PreCalc. I mean, I got an A in PreCalc, and it was interesting and stuff, but Calculus was, like, way WAY better. WAY WAY WAY.].

Freaking WAH, Lady

Oh, yeah, people. The gloves are COMING OFF. 


So, like, yesterday or whatever my bloggy friend Donna published a totally awesome piece with the Huffington Post about how her husband, Bart (who is himself a bad-@zz DS dude who is, like, super high up and stuff in DS) just left her and their sweet babies (all of whom James and I have gotten to meet in Real Life - so eat yer heart out, folks) to go and start a year-long unaccompanied tour in Baghdad. 


Donna poured her heart out about the situation in her own awesome writing style, and I applaud her for it. Because why? Well, because, for one, she's Donna. And for two, DS doesn't get NEAR enough press. No one knows what the hell we do or where we're doing it. For realz. So I say? Get as much of it out there as you can, y'all. Because the more people hear, the better.


Anyway, so, I read Donna's piece in HuffPo sorta proud-like because My friend wrote that! and then I went to read the comments underneath her article and I was all THE HELL?  


Some random Army Wife or whatever who obviously feels all

"My life is super way harder than yours because my husband is in the military and yours is just a piddly 'U.S. Diplomat' living a posh life and stuff."

 
went and commented on Donna's article and pretty much reemed Donna a new one about how Donna's and Bart's difficulties are nothing compared to the hardship of an Army wife's life, and Army Lady went on


and on


and ON


AND ON


all

"And that's why MY LIFE is super way harder than YOUR CUSHY LIFE and why you don't even KNOW how good you diplomats have it and how hard we military folks have it in comparison, blah blah blah..."

Until I got really mad


and was all:


Look, lady

 
Because I REALLY don't have the patience with people being jerks today. No, really.  


And I know it's totally tacky to try to start some State-life-is-harder-than-military-life debate or war or whatever (so I won't), because we ALL have it hard, and we ALL have to work together in crazy places all over the world, but GOSHDARNIT, ARMY LADY, do you see Donna going onto Y'ALL'S articles and Y'ALL'S blog posts about how hard military families have it and hijacking the comments sections and spewing forth garbage about how State families actually have it much harder, blah blah blah?


No, you don't. Know why? Because DONNA HAS CLASS.

But let's just imagine that Donna *didn't* have class. (Actually, I can't imagine that. I'll have to try again.)


Let's imagine that *I* went off in that comments section (because we all know that I have no class. And every last one of us can picture me going off at this Army Lady in the comments section).


Because let's just talk about State Department life THIS WEEK, YOU GUYS. Army Wife harkens back to 2003 and such, but I won't even talk about other weeks, or years, or whatever. I'll just talk about THIS PARTICULAR WEEK.


And you know what? I'm going to pick ONE STATE FAMILY. ONE FAMILY, you guys. JUST ONE. I'm not going to talk about ALL of the crap going on worldwide with different State families this week, I'm just going to pick ONE STATE FAMILY. 


I'm going to pick Heather. My girlfriend Heather, whose husband also is with DS (just like Donna's husband, Bart, and just like my awesome husband, James).


This week, Heather was by herself in California. Her husband and three young children were back in Cairo, Egypt, where they were permanently assigned. (You may recognize Cairo, Egypt, as being, you know, kinda sorta in the news a little bit this week.) 


And WHY was Heather in California? Well, it's sort of a long story, but let's just say it was because she had to medevac to the US because she's battling all sorts of possibly scary health issues that couldn't be addressed at their post in Cairo. So she had to leave her husband and babies behind in order to be able to receive medical care. Not the best trade-off, you know? Leave your husband and babies behind IN CAIRO so you can go receive medical care. But hard choices like that happen to State folks all the time, and Heather pulled it off with grace and dignity. 

Heather leaving Cairo in order to medevac in the States, of course, left her super busy DS husband as a single father. IN CAIRO. You know, that place that's sorta been in the news this week. Except then Cairo went on authorized departure (probably for the same reasons why it's been in the news) and then it went on get-the-hell-out-of-there departure, only I'm sure there was a ton of scrambling since her husband does the sort of job that is kinda important when COUNTRIES ARE POLITICALLY IMPLODING, and then ultimately - and I'm sure I wouldn't be able to tell the story even if I knew it - her husband and babies were quickly evacuated from said politically collapsing country and were on their way back to the States.


Which brings us to....


HEY, ARMY WIFE COMMENTER LADY. I have some questions for you:


YOU ever had to leave your children behind in the politically unstable country you're assigned to because said country can't diagnose your possibly debilitating and/or possibly fatal health issues? YOU ever stayed in the United States for medical evacuation issues (away from your family) and helplessly watched the news on the tv and internet as the country your husband and children are in was falling apart around their ears? Wondering how they were all going to get safely out? Wondering if your husband could even be able to leave with the children? If the children would have to leave by themselves - without both their mother AND their father? YOU ever had to evac your babies from a country that's politically collapsing in real time? With violence everywhere? 


Army Wife...


Don't you freaking talk to me about not having Skype back in 2003.  Don't you freaking talk to me about paperwork issues. We ALL have paperwork issues, are you kidding me?  We all work for the government! Don't you talk to me about missing almost every holiday for years. You think some of us State folks don't do that, too? Don't you thumb your nose at me and snark off "*WE* don't have an Embassy car." NEWS FLASH, HONEY, we don't have an Embassy car, either! 


I'm sure it was sucky, Army Wife, having your husband away so much, and I'm sure you have tales to tell. But, guess what? SO THE HELL DO WE.


And I respect the military and military families and - guess what - my own husband was in the Army AND the Coast Guard, and so you can't say that I'm not balanced. But don't you dare dismiss State families out of hand as though we are some sort of pampered and petted subset of folks serving their country alongside other (you guys?) folks who are "actually going through hardship" while we're not or something. NO WAY. 


You think Donna (whose husband just left for an unaccompanied tour) or Jen or Jill (whose husbands *just* got back from unaccompanied tours) or Heather (whose own husband has been on an unaccompanied tour and who then got - as a reward - CAIRO!) were sitting around during those tours less worried and less unhappy than you were at one point?


Oh, I'm SO sure.

Oh, yeah. Unaccompanied tours with State are pure bliss and wicked cushy for both the employee AND the spouse - I'm SO SURE.

So don't even START with me about trying to make what we go through sound like something cushy and grand.


Just don't even start with me. 


You guys and us - we're just all trying to 





And that's all there is to it. 


[UPDATE:  I actually posted a link to this blog post of mine under the comments section of Donna's article on Huffpo and then a few hours later, Huffpo both deleted my link AND banned me (I had to set up a new Huffpo account in order to leave a link to this post in the first place as I had never commented in the Huffpo world before). Ah, well - I have to imagine it was seen while it was on there! Which is why, you know, it got deleted. And I got banned. Don't think I've ever been banned from anywhere ever before in my entire life. There's a first time for everything!]


 

This -n- That

Well, first things first: No, we didn't get paneled to an onward assignment at the last panel. Trust me, if we had I would have come on and said something. I would have trumpeted it to the skies. 


So, yeah - we're still bidding. The next panel is July 12th. We shall see.


There's not much to say past that. Probably because at this point, now that we've been bidding for almost eleven months, James and I are basically



 

What else?


Our email is partially broken. And by "partially broken," I mean that James and I can GET email, but cannot SEND email. It's whacked. But, you know - we're in China, so you never know with tech stuff. It goes all screwy all the time.


In order to send email, James or I have to drag our iPads to a certain small corner of our apartment and hope that we can steal our neighbor's wifi because for WHATEVER REASON our email will send on our neighbor's wifi but not on ours.


But, you see, our neighbor's wifi is often down (again - this is China), and so pretty much since I'm also sick for the third time this month and in bed whining, I don't have the strength to haul my friggin iPad across the apartment and huddle in a corner hoping that my neighbor's wifi will let me send an email.


So pretty much I'm not emailing anyone. Sorry! I will email again sometime soon, I promise, when the Chinese Tech Powers That Be allow me to or I feel well enough to steal my neighbor's wifi. Thank you for thinking of me.  


What else?


School ended here a couple of weeks ago, which sent my younger son (Zachary) into a world of hell. You see, he LOVES school because he's all social and loves seeing his friends, and let me just tell you that almost all of his friends are Oil Kids or Computer Kids or Car Kids which means that they were all on planes bound for somewhere far away from here literally the day school got out. Because non-State folks can come and go at will with their travel allowances, you see, and don't have to ask a bureaucracy in order to spend their travel allotments.


So, yeah - the younger one is lonely and bored and hating life here at post with nothing to do now that school is out. And, to make matters worse, some of our best friends at post (and our ONLY friends at post with sons my Zachary's age) departed post for good yesterday (bound for a new assignment), which was just too horrible for words. We've known these people for the last three years (we knew them during Chinese language training at FSI and then the whole time we were here) and then, one day, they're just GONE. 

Our friends. ARE GONE. Woe is us.

Meanwhile, my older son (Matthew) is now in full possession of a high school diploma and is starting a summer job at the Consulate tomorrow morning. Which is a good thing. His "clearance" - which is so basic that it pretty much consists of someone checking to make sure that he's not listed on America's Most Wanted - took longer than it should have (the cobbler's family goes barefoot) or he would have started working earlier than this. But beggars can't be choosers, I suppose.


And speaking of beggars, it's odd. I mean, I am his mother and so I am THRILLED that he gets this wonderful opportunity to have a summer job at the Consulate. THRILLED.  What mother wouldn't be? I am thrilled that State has a summer work program for high school/college kids of employees and I am grateful that Matthew has this opportunity.  Of course I am, DUH.


But when he and I were at the Consulate the other day turning in paperwork for his position, I couldn't help feeling like the whole situation is just... odd. How desperately did I want a job there? And how impossible was it for me to get one?  But even with my bachelor's degree in Poly Sci and with my 2/1+ in Mandarin Chinese (higher than is needed for Consular officers) and my ConGen and everything, I couldn't get a job at the Consulate to save my life. But my son, who only has a high school diploma, gets a job for the summer easy schmeezy with no questions asked, no application process, nada. Again, it's wonderful that my son gets to work - I'm extremely grateful - and if I'd had a choice I totally would have asked that he have a job instead of me and not the other way around (big time) - but still. The EFM job mess is indeed a mess, and I can't help but think that if State put its mind to it, it could make things better in that area for "trailing spouses." 


Anyway, what else?

 

Last night there was a Consulate party/function, and while I couldn't go (see: I'm sick, above. For the third time this month. But I did send cupcakes), James and Zachary went. And when Zachary came home he proudly told me all about how James mega won a trivia contest at the party. Evidently the trivia contest covered 80's music, and James knows 80's music better than anyone I've ever met, and so evidently James mopped the place up with those trivia questions, or at least he did according to proud Zachary.


James even came home with an award.

Don't challenge my man at the firing range. Or at a trivia contest covering 80's music. Unless you WANNA LOSE.

 

Calculus in a Month? WHY NOT.

So I finished my last final exam late last week (Thursday), and then I proceeded to have a massive panic attack of Biblical proportions when, less than ten minutes after the last final exam ended, it sank in that I had absolutely nothing interesting to do no more school scheduled for I don't know how long. 


(Told you I suck at the whole EFM thing.)


So then, in true ME fashion, I bugged the living daylights out of my professors at my hometown institution over the next several days, asking questions about class schedules and summer classes and other picky crap that probably made their eyes cross. Because I'm AWESOME like that. 


Everyone finally tossed my hyperventilating self into a summer Calculus class. It's not supposed to start until next Monday, but my kind professor literally opened the class a half a week early, quite possibly just for me. Because, really, now - how many OTHER students are begging their professors to open a summer class not just a week early but also only a few days after final exams just ended for the spring semester?


This is how bad it is, yall...


NEAR MIDNIGHT his time, my professor emailed me and was all IT'S OPEN NOW, IT'S OPEN NOW, DEAR GOD I OPENED THE CLASS!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Okay, maybe those weren't his *exact* words in his email to me, but I would have to imagine that was pretty much what he was thinking.)


The class opened a few hours ago. I have already completed several lessons. But I feel soooooooo much better. I feel like I'm back in My Zone. Back in My World. Doing My Thing. And I'm sure there's the potential for me to be all






But for the moment it feels good!


Anyway, the next issue is - if I'm calculating correctly, I should do my best to try to have this Calc class finished within the next month or so. I mean, it's scheduled to go for three months, but if I can finish it in a month, then that would be great. Just trust me on this. It sort of has to do with all the other stuff I'm not really able to talk about yet but will be able to tell y'all all about once James gets paneled and things get firmed up.  

Calc in a month?



 

I've had Calculus before. TWENTY YEARS AGO.


Actually, it's funny. The last time I took Calculus, I was nineteen years old and pregnant with my Matthew. My Pregnancy Brain was in overdrive. I literally sat in Calc class (it was Calc 2, I think?), and the whole entire class would go by and I would be unable to think about anything other than what color I wanted to paint the nursery or whether I would actually be able to make the whole breastfeeding thing end up working. That was also the semester I tried to take - and ended up dropping - Organic Chemistry. At least I made it through Calc, which was a miracle. 


That was my last semester as a Chemistry major. Not surprisingly. 


So, anyway, if anyone needs me, I will be in my apartment, geeking out with my Calc homework. I guarantee that my progress will be very slow going. I already am WAY behind the eight ball because I cannot even watch any of the instructor videos or other helpful multimedia offerings that come with the class because my internet is far, FAR too slow here in China to be able to support any of those things. So I will literally be teaching myself Calculus out of a textbook. But, hey...

So it's all good.

 

Taking the Good with the Bad

Well, so.


James had a very informative (and also long) conversation with his CDO last night. So, you know, I figured I would update y'all on the whole bidding thing.


THE GOOD NEWS:  It looks as though James might be penciled in for a certain onward assignment.


THE BAD NEWS: He sure isn't getting paneled for it (or anything else, for that matter) on the next panel date (May 17th).


(At this point, cue me being all:)

Except for - I'm a girl.

 
EVEN BETTER: He *might* get paneled the panel after that. Which is June 7th. If, of course, everything that needs to happen actually ends up happening the way it needs to happen so that it can all actually happen. And stuff. 


THE AWESOMEST NEWS EVER:  This means that JAMES AND I WIN the "Longest Bidders Ever That I Personally Know Award."  Of all of my DS girlfriends, the longest anyone has gone without an onward assignment has been from bidding as a summer bidder starting in one calendar year and not getting paneled until May of the the next calendar year (nine months of pure bidding joy). But now that we know that we started bidding last August (2012) and won't even be paneled this month - in May (the nine month mark) - we now have won the Longest Bidders (that I personally know) Contest. 


WOW!  Lucky us!  And James and I usually never ever win contests! 

 

Except when they aren't.

So.


In all fairness, and I am trying to be as fair about the situation as possible, James has a WONDERFUL CDO who is very kind and helpful. It also sounds like the assignment to where James will more than likely be headed is a good place, morale-wise. So that's nice. We need some good morale all up in here, y'all. 


On the other hand, not being paneled means no orders. No orders means no travel dates. No travel dates means, well, NO TRAVEL. And let's not forget that we have an upcoming 9th grader in the fall. Who needs to, like, get out of Chengdu and get to where his school is. And stuff.


I'll be able to tell the whole story when James gets paneled. Which will hopefully, HOPEFULLY, *HOPEFULLY* be in June (OH PLEASE, OH PLEASE, OH PLEASE).  

PLEEEEEEEEEASE? James and I are asking so very nicely!

In the meantime, I will leave you with a link to a hilariously funny thing that Matthew, my 19-year-old son, found on the interwebz. It has to do with how different men and women are. Holy cow, I laughed SO HARD at that!


Laughing is good.


As for me, I have finished two of my final exams for two of the three classes I have been taking this spring semester, and have the other final exam tomorrow morning. And then I will be done for the semester.  Which COMPLETELY freaks me out.  No, I'm dead serious.


Taking classes is the only thing that keeps me sane, you guys, seeing as there's nothing else for me to do. I am so, and I do mean SO SO SO SO SO SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO bad at the whole EFM thing. I don't do outings or lunches or shopping or manicures or pedicures or whatever other things we unemployed EFMs (which is statistically, what, 70+% of EFMs worldwide? If not more? And now there are going to be even less EFM jobs available worldwide because of the budget crunch?) are supposed to do to pass the time at post. I don't hang out and gossip, I don't have young children that need to do playdates - I just truly suck at the whole EFM thing. Which means that school has been my lifeline to sanity because it has kept my brain engaged and given me a daily hope for a future that includes my being useful. And having school end for the semester - and not being able to register for a summer class because I HAVE NO CLUE WHERE I WILL BE OR WHAT I WILL BE DOING THIS SUMMER is just... killing me. 

 

If I knew that I would be here in Chengdu through my hometown institution's entire summer semester, I would JUMP on taking another class. But this flux is keeping me from doing anything, which is just... hard. SO HARD. 

Today, I Love China (or: Sneakers, Anyone?)

James and I went out for lunch today.


Which everyone at the Consulate knows that we do every single day. We usually go to the same place - a local sort of dive that serves yummy Sichuanese food. In fact, our predilection for this place and our daily visits to it have given lots of folks here lots of ways to tease us.


It's sort of a community joke, actually, as in - Oh, there they go (meaning us) - They're obviously going to Their Dive for lunch! Or James and l will come back from lunch and everyone will be all How was The Dive today? Any different than yesterday? And then they will laugh and we will laugh for there is always great humor in the truth, as it is quite often stranger than fiction.


But today James and I shocked whoever might have cared to notice where we were headed for lunch, for we went to a different place. A Tex-Mex restaurant that is, quite frankly, a JOY to have as a chain in this area. The minute you walk in, you feel like you're in America in general and actually Texas in particular. They serve ice (if you ask for it). They serve tacos and enchiladas and chimichangas and ice cream sundaes. It is so miraculous and amazingly wonderful that I am nearly moved to tears just describing it. Yes, you will pay handsomely for your refried beans,** but the mere fact that they are there is a soothing balm to the wandering American soul. I mean, certainly Beijing has lots more restuarant choices than Chengdu does, but from what I understand, Wuhan and Shenyang have nothing as western as this chain. Nothing even close. So I'm grateful that we have something like this here.


[**Lunch for a family of four can run you the equivalent of roughly USD $60. Easily. At the bare minimum. If you're flying in from Shenyang or Wuhan in order to get your Mexican fix, add the cost of the plane tickets to the cost of the meal. Actually, if you're reading this from Shenyang, I'm glad that you're still alive! I hear it's something crazy like -30 degrees there or whatever, and I was worried you were frozen in a solid block of ice.] 


SO ANYWAY, James and I were there for lunch. Just the two of us. The restaurant was uncharacteristically empty for it being lunchtime and all, seeing as it's a rather popular place. But whatever.

James and I ate and chatted and enjoyed ourselves. We hadn't had to wrestle with or threaten the children out of bed for school a few hours earlier because THANK THE DEAR LORD, today is a Saturday. We got around to considering ordering dessert. What to get? It all sounded good. So, so, SO good.

The waitresses, for there are only waitresses there, were huddled in a four-person mass directly behind our table. I hadn't really been trying to listen to their conversation because, quite frankly, I was giving my brain a rest (it really is mentally taxing, after a while, translating). But it soon became obvious that they were, I don't know, kind of chanting, and it attracted my attention. James, also, noticed, but neither of us wanted to appear rude or like we were truly eavesdropping. But we were. For sure.

"Sneakers," the women chanted, taking turns one after another. "Sneakers, sneakers, sneakers."


It was obvious that one of the four was saying a particular word, and that the others were obediently following suit, repeating whatever the word was.

"Sneakers," they began again, and the chanting of sneakers continued all around.

I raised my eyebrows at James, who appeared to understand exactly what was going on with that little group of waitresses, even though I obviously did not. I silently queried him via my expression and quizzical brow. Sneakers? I asked him without speaking. Sneakers??

"Snickers," James whispered to me across the table. "They're trying to say 'Snickers.' A Snickers Sundae is one of the desserts on the menu. They're practicing trying to say the dessert menu in English." 


And then my ear began to register the random words they were all trying (so hard!) to say...Blueberry. Walnut. Chocolate. One girl would try to say the word and then they would all repeat it. Over and over again. A tentative, hesitant, uncertain group.

Their pronunciation was... close. Kind of. Okay, maybe not. I mean, it has to be hard, right? Saying random English words off the menu? I cannot even imagine how difficult that must be. God only knows I slay their mother tongue daily, leaving it a bloody mess at my feet, my 2/1+ in Mandarin from FSI notwithstanding, and barely any help at all.

I listened for a bit, but after a while I just couldn't stand being silent. They were trying so hard and they were so unsure and so halting and I, a native English speaker, a source of help and direction, was a mere few feet away. "Chocolate!" I tossed over my shoulder finally as they were struggling (so hard!) to pronounce it.

They immediately flocked to our table. All four of them, bearing the menu. One girl pointed to Chocolate Chip Coconut Walnut Pie available for purchase. Ugh, what a mouthful, I thought. I said each word, pausing as they tried to mimic me. After a few rounds of Chocolate. Chip. Coconut. Walnut. Pie, we moved on to the next dessert item on the menu: Lemon Squares. We did a few rounds of Lemon. Squares. and then moved on. At one point, we hit Tiramisu and I nearly died - Tiramisu is difficult to say even for an American! I paused after each syllable. Tear...uh...mih...sue. We practiced that one for a really long time.

I absolutely loved it, and they appeared very, very grateful. I think they would have kept asking me to go over menu items for them, but they reluctantly left when we got to the end of the dessert list. Many Chinese folks are seriously hungry to learn/practice speaking English, this language so different from theirs. Some of our word sounds in English they don't even have in Chinese - for example, thank becomes sank. As in: Sank you very much. It's got to be tough. And I am the LAST person to judge. My 2/1+ gets me basically nowhere here, let's just be honest. I probably mess up saying their version of thank (in Chinese) every single day.


I wish I could teach English here. I would have the best time! There are certainly so many people desperate to learn it! But I am not allowed to have a job outside of the Consulate (not that I have a job in it or anything, because I don't; there are far more EFMs here in Chengdu that want jobs than there are jobs for them all), because China and America have no bilateral work agreement, and I'm not the kind of girl to go off and flagrantly commit visa fraud, and/or passport fraud and/or break international law, etc.,*** especially hiding behind my Diplomatic status and Diplomatic passport and Diplomatic visa in order to do so, so it's not happening. I wish things were not the way they are, of course - I mean, at one point, I was even asked if I would be interested in teaching English at Sichuan University. But it's just... not... happening.


[***Call me crazy, but I have this THING for not breaking laws. That and my husband is a federal law enforcement officer, whose job back in the States is to investigate, arrest, help prosecute and help deport those committing these very offenses on American soil. His wife doing the same thing overseas? Under cover of her Dip status? Don't think so.]


But it was a blast to go down the dessert menu with those girls, who were concentrating SO hard and trying SO hard to say the words in English... all of us giggling and feeling a bit awkward, but having fun with it. It reminded me that I truly do love the Chinese people. 

                                                 ~   ~   ~

Tune in next time, when I go back to torturing my friend, Donna. I took a quick break, you see, to tell this lunch story, but very soon I will have cooked up another blog post for her that I'm sure she will just absolutely love. Or hate. Tough to tell.