A Daring Adventure

Freaking WAH, Lady

Oh, yeah, people. The gloves are COMING OFF. 


So, like, yesterday or whatever my bloggy friend Donna published a totally awesome piece with the Huffington Post about how her husband, Bart (who is himself a bad-@zz DS dude who is, like, super high up and stuff in DS) just left her and their sweet babies (all of whom James and I have gotten to meet in Real Life - so eat yer heart out, folks) to go and start a year-long unaccompanied tour in Baghdad. 


Donna poured her heart out about the situation in her own awesome writing style, and I applaud her for it. Because why? Well, because, for one, she's Donna. And for two, DS doesn't get NEAR enough press. No one knows what the hell we do or where we're doing it. For realz. So I say? Get as much of it out there as you can, y'all. Because the more people hear, the better.


Anyway, so, I read Donna's piece in HuffPo sorta proud-like because My friend wrote that! and then I went to read the comments underneath her article and I was all THE HELL?  


Some random Army Wife or whatever who obviously feels all

"My life is super way harder than yours because my husband is in the military and yours is just a piddly 'U.S. Diplomat' living a posh life and stuff."

 
went and commented on Donna's article and pretty much reemed Donna a new one about how Donna's and Bart's difficulties are nothing compared to the hardship of an Army wife's life, and Army Lady went on


and on


and ON


AND ON


all

"And that's why MY LIFE is super way harder than YOUR CUSHY LIFE and why you don't even KNOW how good you diplomats have it and how hard we military folks have it in comparison, blah blah blah..."

Until I got really mad


and was all:


Look, lady

 
Because I REALLY don't have the patience with people being jerks today. No, really.  


And I know it's totally tacky to try to start some State-life-is-harder-than-military-life debate or war or whatever (so I won't), because we ALL have it hard, and we ALL have to work together in crazy places all over the world, but GOSHDARNIT, ARMY LADY, do you see Donna going onto Y'ALL'S articles and Y'ALL'S blog posts about how hard military families have it and hijacking the comments sections and spewing forth garbage about how State families actually have it much harder, blah blah blah?


No, you don't. Know why? Because DONNA HAS CLASS.

But let's just imagine that Donna *didn't* have class. (Actually, I can't imagine that. I'll have to try again.)


Let's imagine that *I* went off in that comments section (because we all know that I have no class. And every last one of us can picture me going off at this Army Lady in the comments section).


Because let's just talk about State Department life THIS WEEK, YOU GUYS. Army Wife harkens back to 2003 and such, but I won't even talk about other weeks, or years, or whatever. I'll just talk about THIS PARTICULAR WEEK.


And you know what? I'm going to pick ONE STATE FAMILY. ONE FAMILY, you guys. JUST ONE. I'm not going to talk about ALL of the crap going on worldwide with different State families this week, I'm just going to pick ONE STATE FAMILY. 


I'm going to pick Heather. My girlfriend Heather, whose husband also is with DS (just like Donna's husband, Bart, and just like my awesome husband, James).


This week, Heather was by herself in California. Her husband and three young children were back in Cairo, Egypt, where they were permanently assigned. (You may recognize Cairo, Egypt, as being, you know, kinda sorta in the news a little bit this week.) 


And WHY was Heather in California? Well, it's sort of a long story, but let's just say it was because she had to medevac to the US because she's battling all sorts of possibly scary health issues that couldn't be addressed at their post in Cairo. So she had to leave her husband and babies behind in order to be able to receive medical care. Not the best trade-off, you know? Leave your husband and babies behind IN CAIRO so you can go receive medical care. But hard choices like that happen to State folks all the time, and Heather pulled it off with grace and dignity. 

Heather leaving Cairo in order to medevac in the States, of course, left her super busy DS husband as a single father. IN CAIRO. You know, that place that's sorta been in the news this week. Except then Cairo went on authorized departure (probably for the same reasons why it's been in the news) and then it went on get-the-hell-out-of-there departure, only I'm sure there was a ton of scrambling since her husband does the sort of job that is kinda important when COUNTRIES ARE POLITICALLY IMPLODING, and then ultimately - and I'm sure I wouldn't be able to tell the story even if I knew it - her husband and babies were quickly evacuated from said politically collapsing country and were on their way back to the States.


Which brings us to....


HEY, ARMY WIFE COMMENTER LADY. I have some questions for you:


YOU ever had to leave your children behind in the politically unstable country you're assigned to because said country can't diagnose your possibly debilitating and/or possibly fatal health issues? YOU ever stayed in the United States for medical evacuation issues (away from your family) and helplessly watched the news on the tv and internet as the country your husband and children are in was falling apart around their ears? Wondering how they were all going to get safely out? Wondering if your husband could even be able to leave with the children? If the children would have to leave by themselves - without both their mother AND their father? YOU ever had to evac your babies from a country that's politically collapsing in real time? With violence everywhere? 


Army Wife...


Don't you freaking talk to me about not having Skype back in 2003.  Don't you freaking talk to me about paperwork issues. We ALL have paperwork issues, are you kidding me?  We all work for the government! Don't you talk to me about missing almost every holiday for years. You think some of us State folks don't do that, too? Don't you thumb your nose at me and snark off "*WE* don't have an Embassy car." NEWS FLASH, HONEY, we don't have an Embassy car, either! 


I'm sure it was sucky, Army Wife, having your husband away so much, and I'm sure you have tales to tell. But, guess what? SO THE HELL DO WE.


And I respect the military and military families and - guess what - my own husband was in the Army AND the Coast Guard, and so you can't say that I'm not balanced. But don't you dare dismiss State families out of hand as though we are some sort of pampered and petted subset of folks serving their country alongside other (you guys?) folks who are "actually going through hardship" while we're not or something. NO WAY. 


You think Donna (whose husband just left for an unaccompanied tour) or Jen or Jill (whose husbands *just* got back from unaccompanied tours) or Heather (whose own husband has been on an unaccompanied tour and who then got - as a reward - CAIRO!) were sitting around during those tours less worried and less unhappy than you were at one point?


Oh, I'm SO sure.

Oh, yeah. Unaccompanied tours with State are pure bliss and wicked cushy for both the employee AND the spouse - I'm SO SURE.

So don't even START with me about trying to make what we go through sound like something cushy and grand.


Just don't even start with me. 


You guys and us - we're just all trying to 





And that's all there is to it. 


[UPDATE:  I actually posted a link to this blog post of mine under the comments section of Donna's article on Huffpo and then a few hours later, Huffpo both deleted my link AND banned me (I had to set up a new Huffpo account in order to leave a link to this post in the first place as I had never commented in the Huffpo world before). Ah, well - I have to imagine it was seen while it was on there! Which is why, you know, it got deleted. And I got banned. Don't think I've ever been banned from anywhere ever before in my entire life. There's a first time for everything!]


 

Pop Quiz! (You'll get an A+ because you're smart!)

Okay, Dear Readers! I know that y'all are super duper smart and I know that y'all have:


1.) Tons of common sense, and

2.) Been paying attention.


So let's play the fun game:  "What Did James Do?"


                                                 ~   ~   ~


REAL LIFE SCENARIO:  Yesterday, all day long, James and I were engaged in a very emotional epic battle with Someone (doesn't matter who they are) about Something (doesn't matter what it is, except to say that is has nothing to do with James's job. I figured that had to be said just so people didn't, like, freak the heck out or whatever).


ANYWAY.


At one point late in the afternoon yesterday, after emotional volleys back and forth with said Someone about said Something, James had to choose between:


1.) Me, and

2.) Another Random Person.

I know this is going to be hard, but POP QUIZ, YOU GUYS: Who do you think James chose?


[In real life I think Someone was CERTAIN that James was going to choose Another Random Person over me. To which I say:]

Yeah, SURE! You just keep thinking that...

[Except I'm a girl.]

So then, later in the afternoon, James got to the point where he was DONE with the back and forth and he put an end to it all, in my favor, of course. Duh. And he did a good job of it, too. Very decided-like and with no ambiguities about exactly where his allegiance lies. And I was all:

 

SO. MUCH. WIN.

[Except, again, I'm a girl.]

 

                                                 ~   ~   ~


So, yeah, yesterday I was pretty much shaking with rage and I didn't get a whole lot done. I didn't even get a chance to respond to Donna's totally insanely awesome, moved-me-to-tears blog post about...me. (Spoiler alert: My name is Kolbi. Just in case you didn't know that).


But I can't very well respond to awesome and insanely flattering blog posts written by incredibly talented ladies who are, like, a hundred zillion times wittier than I am if I'm locked in an emotional epic battle and shaking with rage. So tune in next time when I try really really hard to figure out how in the WORLD I'm going to respond to Donna's blog post without falling flat on my untalented face. Wish me luck.


                                             ~   ~   ~


p.s.  My VPN isn't working right now. Which means that I can't open Donna's blog post. In fact, you wanna hear something SUPER lame? Since I don't have a working VPN right now, and since I can't read any blogs, Donna literally - I'm not making this up, you guys - had to EMAIL ME a copy of what she wrote about me on her blog so that I could actually read it.


I can't even go read any of the comments (I'm assuming there are comments? Her blog is the most well-read and well-known State blog out there** and so there HAVE to be comments) and see if anyone has actually signed up for the Panda Raffle. IN ADDITION TO THAT, in order for me to be able to link back to her blog post about me, she had to then email me the link.


[UPDATE: Please see this blog post's comments section for the negotiated stipulations that Donna and I engaged in over this sentence.]


I am not making any of this up; this is the fun world of life without a VPN.*** If all that's not all manner of FAIL, I don't know what is.


[***Mercifully, Donna did a three-year tour in Beijing, so Donna totally gets the China thing.]


FURTHERMORE, because I don't have a working VPN right now, I cannot get onto Facebook, Twitter, Netflix, Hulu, Pandora, or do pretty much anything online that makes life worth living.

Indeed. Kill me.

p.p.s.  No, the air outside isn't better yet; it's actually worse. But thank you for asking.


p.p.p.s.  No, James doesn't have any onward assignment yet. Yes, he's a leftover summer bidder from last year. There are lots of us around, from what I gather. Yes, the winter bid list comes out in about a week. No, I have no clue when we'll hear something. Yes, all FSO summer bidders have long been paneled months and months ago, and if they're leaving Chengdu they're all going to fantastic places. That's life. Yes, they'll have to assign James something someday; his replacement has long ago been chosen and will be headed here at some point. This bidding limbo is life in DS. If you're a DS applicant or a new hire, I figure it's good for you to hear these things. Which is why I blog about them.

 

The Pros and Cons of Chengdu, China: A Bidlist Primer

My dearest darling bestie, Jill, has asked Foreign Serivce bloggers to list the good, the bad, and the ugly about their current posts so that people who either are or will be bidding might have a glimpse of what life is like there before pushing that FSBid button.


This is because bidding can seriously suck.


This is because bidding can be something like this:



 

Because it's basically like the whole entire earth comes hurtling in your direction and, as a result, you end up comatose on the ground.  


So in order to help you current/future Chengdu, China bidders, I present to you:



                    ~    ~   THE PROS OF LIVING IN CHENGDU   ~   ~



1.)  The Food:  Because the food is so awesome that descriptive words fail me. Plates and plates of yumminess just waiting to be brought to your table. Yes, a lot of it is spicy, but trust me - you'll quickly adapt. And then you'll be addicted. Because Chinese food in China is NOTHING like Chinese food in America... it's totally different and it's WAY WAY BETTER. And I believe that the food in Chengdu is much better than the food at any other post in China, because Chengdu has Sichuanese food and goshdarnit, people, it's seriously wicked awesome yummy.


2.)  It's Cheap to Live Here:  Not only is the Chinese food that I was just talking about cheap, but it's also cheap to live here.  You can definitely save money, and that's a huge plus for us.  Of course, whatever money we saved the first year we were here we just spent during our recent R&R, but that's not Chengdu's fault.  


3.)  Our School is Awesome:  The school that my boys attend is incredible, and we are so, so blessed that it is here. Great teachers, great students - in fact, my boys literally don't have a single complaint about any other student at the school - such a wonderful atmosphere. 


4.)  It's Safe Here:  Which I sort of took for granted until James and I started bidding for our next post and I started reading the Real Post Reports of other places and then it really sank in... how blessed we are that we are so safe in Chengdu.  We can walk anywhere at any time, day or night, and be completely safe.  No one is going to kidnap us or carjack us or try to hold us for ransom or bomb us or, or, or... you get it.


5.)  The Post has Perks:  Like TWO R&Rs (again, didn't realize how rare that is until we started bidding!), getting a consumables shipment, the fact that we have both APO and pouch here - we're grateful for those things, and we know that not all posts have them, or have then when you're bidding and then take them away, later etc. 


6.)  No Freaky Weird Diseases:  Like Dengue Fever or malaria here, thank goodness. 


7.)  Household Help:  Because it's relatively cheap here to live, we can afford a part-time ayi (pronounced like the two vowels i.e.), and thank the dear heavens above that we can.  You'll read more about this in the Con section, below, but in addition to what I say there, it doesn't hurt that I don't have to clean my bathrooms or my floors.  Now, mind you, it's much, much dirtier here than in the U.S., so things have to be cleaned super often... but I do love having an ayi, and the ayis here are good workers and are dependable.


8.)  Local Doctors:  Thank GOD we have some local U.S. doctors at private practices in the Chengdu area.  Some posts don't, I'm finding out, and that would just be horrible.  But when my kids have been sick or injured, our family has been able to go and get care on the local market, and that has been a huge lifesaver for our family.  Also, we're really glad that we elected to have the Foreign Service Benefit Plan as our health insurance, for it's made filing health care claims overseas much easier than it would have been if we'd stuck with Blue Cross.  (Actually, I can't even fathom the pain and suffering if we'd kept Blue Cross while we were overseas.)


9.)  The Climate:  Is very moderate, in my book. While it gets a bit cold, like not even as cold as Washington DC, it doesn't snow. And while it gets warm/hot, like maybe in Florida I guess, it's not like the hot you get at posts that are FREAKING SUPER HOT, and the hot doesn't last for months and months on end or anything. It has a nice mix, with nothing too extreme at either end.  Because a bid for here is a bid for pandas, not ice.


10.)  I Really Like and am Fascinated by the Chinese People and Culture:  I love that, when we walk down the street, we see a completely different world than the one we grew up in back in America. I love that the Chinese people see things differently, do things differently, and live in different ways. I am completely convinced that the Chinese culture does a much better job with many things than the U.S. culture does, and I'll write about those hopefully soon.  I love walking down the street and seeing Chinese people look at us, also, with curiosity and interest... because I know that some FS friends in other places aren't looked at that way, but rather with anger or hatred.  China is a good place to be and it's really broadened the scope of our lives and souls.  I am very grateful that we have gotten to be here.


That said, here are...



                    ~   ~   THE CONS TO LIVING IN CHENGDU   ~   ~


1.)  The Air Pollution:  Tops the list, by far, before anything else can come close.  That and its resulting health problems.  I've said it a zillion times on my blog, but in case you're new here, my family was pretty much permanently sick the first year we were here at post, and I'm not exaggerating.  Ear infections/ lung infections/ coughs that wouldn't go away... it was bad. All of our issues went away during our R&R back to the States, and I'm hoping against hope that this second year at post will be better for us. But the air pollution is just... horrible.  There's no merciful thing to do for bidders but to say it aloud.  


2.)  No Bilateral Work Agreement:  Which means that spouses can only work at the Consulate.  Because if spouses were to work outside of the Consulate, that would be illegal.  It would be breaking the law. Because we spouses come in on our diplomatic passports, which don't grant us a work visa, and individuals need a work visa in order to legally work in China, and we don't have one.  And since the Consulate is very small, there are only a teensy few jobs at the Consulate for EFMs and, come on now, none of them are very sexy.  This is very important for folks to know before bidding anywhere in China, because EFMs need to understand that their only choice for working is at the Consulate or Embassy.  


[In fact, I feel very strongly that if an EFM would like to work, then during the bidding process the family needs to determine which countries on their bid lists have (and don't have) bilateral work agreements, and then only bid on the ones that have them, because China isn't the only one who doesn't have one.  I have heard stories of EFMs trying to work outside of the Consulate/Embassy even when there isn't a bilateral work agreement, flagrantly (not innocently, but knowingly and flagrantly) breaking the law, and this literally disgusts me. I have no patience for it whatsoever. Don't knowingly bid on and go to a country that doesn't have a bilateral work agreement and then feel like you're somehow so special that the laws of your host country don't apply to you. THEY DO. You bid on that country, you follow its rules when you get there. If it's illegal for you to work on the local market, then DON'T WORK ON THE LOCAL MARKET. How completely gross is it to think that, since you're the spouse of a Diplomat, you can get away with visa fraud?  The same kind of visa fraud that my husband investigates back in the U.S. when it's done on our soil?  GET OVER YOURSELF and behave with ethics and morals! And trust me, the EFMs who are obeying the law and not working illegally are loathing the EFMs who break the law because it suits them.]

 
3.)   This is a Super Small Post:  Which means that everyone knows what everyone else is doing (of course). Before coming here, I thought that I would be able to navigate the whole fishbowl thing okay, but I found out my first year here that I could not.  Our family made some strategic changes over our R&R and, thus far into our second year, things are wayyyy better.  

 

Also, the extremely small size of the post could be either a good or a bad thing because, sure, everyone could be fantastic and life could be grand, *or* there could be even just one or two people who are malignant... and then the whole entire thing could be a net negative, because there's no real way to dilute malignancy at a super small post.  And when you're bidding, you have no way of knowing which way that cookie is gonna crumble.  


4.)   The Food:  Wait a minute, didn't I just list the food here as the #1 positive?!?! Why, yes, I did. But the downside here in Chengdu (not so much in Beijing or in some other Chinese posts) is that you pretty much can ONLY find Chinese food here.  There's not really any variety.  AT ALL.  So when you're going out to eat, you pretty much can pick Chinese, Chinese or... Chinese. And unfortunately, my children don't like the food here, though James and I think they're insane.


5.)  The Internet:  The good news is that we have it and that it isn't as bad as, say, dial up.  The bad news is that it isn't good enough to do a whole lot with.  Can't really stream Netflix movies.  Can't use for Skype or Facetime without getting kicked off a lot.  Can't make internet-based phone calls with it, which means that it's realllllly hard to talk to our parents or friends back home.  It's a pain.     


6.)  What the HELL am I Going to Make for Dinner?!?!:  Since Chinese food is all that's eaten here, Chinese food (Chinese produce, etc., which is totally different than U.S. produce) is pretty much all that's available here when you're shopping. Well, as I've said, my kids pretty much hate and won't eat the local Sichuanese food, and they're not alone...all the other Consulate kids I know refuse to eat it, also.  Which brings us to the problem of... what to feed our families?!? I sure as heck don't recognize and can't cook Chinese produce.  Nor does meat come pre-packaged like in the U.S.  So a lot of Consulate moms, when chatting or whatever, will throw their hands up and wail about how it's nearly impossible here to cook food that our Chinese-food-hating families will eat.  Which is why I'm so grateful that we have an ayi - she can make Chinese produce into food that my kids will eat.  Sometimes.  But "sometimes" is better than "never," which is what the kids would get with me.


7.)  Not Really Western Clean:  Okay, I'm being kind.  Restaurant tables are wiped with dirty cloths that also wipe the floors.  Sometimes there are roaches in the restaurants, climbing down the walls next to us while we're eating, and this is normal.  I've actually gotten used to it.  People hock up loogies and spit them all over the sidewalks.  Again - we're used to it now.  And, of course, we've already talked about the squatty potties and the split pants.  It's all just part of... normal life here.  


                                                 ~   ~   ~


And that's it!  


TEN positives and SEVEN negatives, my friends.  Because there's a whole lot to like about Chengdu! 


And be sure to head on over to Jill's blog this Friday to read about all the different posts worldwide and their respective pros and cons!

 

Because Even My Love for My Husband has its Limits

Okay, so, before I took a turn into blogging about nipples and my husband being solicited for illegal drugs (and who WOULDN'T want to blog about those things?), I was writing about (and showing you pictures from) when my husband, James, and my younger son, Zachary, toured lots of China.


(Not ALL of it, mind you. Since China is super wicked big and all.) 


On their travels, they saw really pretty Chinese-y buildings:





And, seriously you guys, don't you think that the roofs of Chinese-y buildings have a whole lot more character than the roofs of most American buildings?




I just love them.


And then the UFO Flying Water Bottle came back and refused to allow my husband to take any actual pictures of my child:





And then, out of nowhere, whilst trying to avoid bodily harm by the UFO Flying Water Bottle, my husband was presented with THE MAGIC-EST OF ANCIENT CHINESE MAGIC.


For BEHOLD! The Chinese city that they were visiting (named Shaolin) had some sort of magic wormhole or magic Harry-Potter-like flue network or who knows *what* sort of enchantment, but suddenly and quite out of nowhere, James was presented with the option to...


...magically visit our in-real-life friend, Digger, who is posted right now in Tallinn, Estonia!

 
How this Shaolin pharmacy gets people to Tallinn we don't know. 

But James sure did know that at the other end of that wrinkle in time and space, there would be ESTONIA. Amazing ESTONIA with its clear, crisp, clean air and its sushi (which Digger is constantly teasing us about having there in Tallinn (she has TWO sushi places within walking distance of her housing! TWO!), as we don't have any in Chengdu).  


And I'm not sure if the English language has words strong enough to describe just exactly what my husband would do for: 1.) clean air, and 2.) sushi right now.


BUT, ALAS.


Being as that he was a parental chaperone on the school field trip (and was, thus, needed), and being as that he knew intuitively that if he even THOUGHT about going to Tallinn without me, I would be all:





he didn't journey on through regions unknown and travel to Sushi and Clean Air Heaven.


Instead, he journeyed on to that evening's hotel:





(in all its glory)


And enjoyed his hotel room's bathroom, which boasted NOT EVEN A WALL, but instead just a see-through curtain-like thingee:

Meaning that if two people were staying in the two-twin-bed bedroom, then while one was using the toilet, the other could, ostensibly, see them.


(Awkward!)


And while this wasn't a problem for James, since he had a room all to himself (the privilege of being a grownup), the same cannot be said for the school kids, who were bunking two kids to a room. Which meant that if one of them needed to use the toilet or take a shower, etc., the other one would have to leave the room entirely and wait out in the hall for the sake of privacy.


And if you're a parent, you already know how this story ends.


Meaning, of course, that Zachary barged into James' hotel room and announced that NO WAY was he going to use the bathroom in his assigned hotel room with other kids milling in and out randomly, meaning that James actually gave Zachary his bathroom. And waited out in the hall. On more than one occasion.


I'm sure, at that point, James would SO rather have been in Tallinn. BUT I DON'T CARE. HE'S NOT ALLOWED TO GO WITHOUT ME. Thus, this blog post's title. 


The End.

 

In Which Jen's Victorious Nipples CONQUER ALL

So, last you heard, the link to my friend Jen's blog had been taken off of the State Department's Official Blog List.


But - good news!


It's now been put back up!


And State bloggers everywhere, who had lobbied together on Jen's behalf, were TOTALLY all:




It's a good day. 


All manner of crazy things went down in between when Jen's link was first taken down and when Jen's link was ultimately put back up. Her story was all over the media! It was in The Washington Post multiple times, both online and in print:





Her story even made Drudge (image stolen shamelessly from Diplopundit):






And her story also (I was in this next one, too! -->) hit Jezebel, along with lots (and LOTS) of other online news sources!


The whole thing really went quite viral.


In the end, when State ultimately put her link back up on the Official Blog Roll, they even included a message not just to Jen but also to us State bloggers who freaked out when her link was first taken down:





 
And what's super duper cool is that Jeff Levine, who signed that awesome message, is going soon to be the Ambassador of Estonia, so he'll be there with James' and my in-real-life friend and State bloggy-pal Digger! Which is totally fantastic, because he sounds like good people.

 
In the end, I'm really glad State put Jen's link back up, because, as I said in my last blog post, Jen really deserves to be there.  And while, as Diplopundit points out, all's not *exactly* well that ends well, this ended well for Jen, and I'm really grateful for that!


                                                     ~   ~   ~




In the meantime, this whole thing got so big so fast that there are now calls for Jen's incredibly famous nipples to have their own Facebook page, their own Twitter stream, their own LinkedIn profile, and, ultimately, their own product line, advertising stream, and sponsorship deals! For truly, Jen's nipples have been vaulted seemingly overnight into epic stardom, and now are quite possibly THE MOST FAMOUS NIPPLES IN THE WORLD.  


Well, there was nothing for Jen's nipples to do but to immediately retain me as their legal and representational counsel, of course. 


And the phone has been ringing off the hook, people. For example, Nike called about a line of sports bras (since they know how much Jen loves to go running), and Victoria's Secret called about a line of super-glam, sparkly bras (I told them that when their models wear Jen's merchandise on the runway, they will NOT also be wearing those tacky paper-mache wings). And that's not EVEN including the sponsorship deals and product endorsements that are in the pipeline! 


Oh, yes - Jen will be an extremely busy girl while her hero of a husband, Peter, is away this next year on his second Unaccompanied Tour. But it's good to keep busy, right?!  :) 

...

[Quick note: everything from the page break on down *might* be just put in here for the sake of humor and *might not* be actually, you know, happening in real life. Except for Peter's Unaccompanied Tour. That's TOTALLY happening in real life!] 

Too Little and Too Much (Regarding Blogging, the ACLU, and NIPPLES)

Unless mine is the only State blog that you read, you already know that there are two HUGE blogging-related, State Department firestorms out there on the internet right now... and both are related. One has to do with State bloggers and the ACLU, and the other has to do with State bloggers and the official list of such on the right-hand side of the State Department's state.gov website. 


Simply put, the State Department has two completely opposite opinions when it comes to social media (like blogging). One side of State wants nothing more than to shut down all State blogs. Period. Blogs by employees, blogs by spouses, it doesn't matter - all of them should be GONE. 


My husband has personally seen this side of State many, many times, via many different official people, during the course of an uncountable number of official meetings over the last few years. As many of my readers know, my blog has been shut down twice...most recently, just a couple of months ago. The only reason why my blog is up now and still exists today is because my DS Special Agent husband feels most emphatically that:


1.) I am a private U.S. citizen, and

2.) My blog represents/is protected by my right to freedom of speech.


Believe me when I say that he has endured much in defense of his position.


My husband is not alone in his belief that blogging is protected, free speech. Recently, the ACLU has jumped headfirst into the nasty fight currently going down between State and Peter van Buren. In support of blogging/free speech, the ACLU has written quite the awesomest of letters. In it, the ACLU says that State's blogging policies/practices are far, far too restrictive. That State's punitive actions against bloggers are unconstitutional. (And the ACLU hasn't even touched on the issue of other shut-down blogs or even the fact that non-employee SPOUSES write a large amount of State blogs.)


According to Diplopundit, if I understand correctly, State's initial reaction to the ACLU letter regarding bloggers' rights was to immediately... forbid all employees to read the letter. 


(Can they even DO that?  If so, on what grounds? It sort of looks like they classified the letter. Again, can they do that??)


So, yeah. That's one side of State - the side that hates blogging. With a passion.

                                                  ~   ~   ~


There's another side of State - the side that loves State blogs and blogging. In fact, just as much as the anti-blogging side wants nothing put out on the internet at all, the pro-blogging side can't get enough from us official State bloggers about State, our lives with State, our travels, our experiences, etc. 

(And I refer to myself as an "official State blogger" because, again, State keeps an official List of bloggers on the right side of its official state.gov website, and I've been on that List since the very first day it came out a few years ago. I'm actually listed *first*! Alphabetization! WOO!)

When The List first appeared and I was asked to be on it, James and I were overjoyed because we (mistakenly) thought that being on The List would thus mean that James would stop getting harassed by official channels over my blog. Because, you know, we figured that since I was all OFFICIAL NOW AND STUFF, that meant that I would have some semblance of authentication or protection or something.


HA HA HA!!!


Being on The Official Blog List actually painted an even bigger bulls eye on my back. And not just on my back, but on the backs of other State bloggers on The List. To date, to my knowledge, at least three State bloggers (and perhaps even up to five) on The List have since been shut down. And there were probably, oh, I don't know, only about a dozen or so blogs on that List when it began. So, you know, not the best odds of bloggy survival.


So, basically, to recap: The pro-blogging side of State puts The Official List together and encourages bloggers to write tons and tons of State-themed blog posts, and then the anti-blogging side of State goes and... shuts those blogs down because they're writing about State-themed stuff.


Don't know about you, but THAT MAKES *PERFECT* SENSE to me.


Well, State can't have dead blogs (that it shut down) linked to on its Official List after their demise. (Which it did, for a while, actually. I recall a time when two of the blogs were shut down and The List kept the dead blog links up on there for quite a while. They were just... dead links... that went to nothing when you clicked on them. It was odd.)

So someone at State must have realized that The List had to be actively updated. That the murdered blogs must be replaced with fresh, happy new ones! And then they evidently decided that they weren't just going to trim murdered blogs off The List, but also blogs that they felt WEREN'T "STATE ENOUGH," or didn't write frequently enough about State issues. (Which is utterly hilarious, because, like I said, one side of State shuts down blogs that it feels are too State, and the other is now removing blogs from its List when it feels that they aren't State enough.) 


One such recently-removed "not State enough" blog is written by my dear, sweet, amazing friend Jen Dinoia. Like other bloggers, I "grew up" in State reading her blog (because she and her husband, Peter, have been with State/DS far longer than many of the rest of us) and wanting to be like her. (Alas, I will never ACTUALLY be like her because she is a total sweetheart and I am... NOT.)


When James was first hired by DS, I read Jen's blog from beginning to end - all of her archives - more than once, and have followed her faithfully ever since. It is a privilege and honor to be able to say... she is my friend online. She is my friend in real life. She and I have literally laughed together and cried together. The Foreign Service is LUCKY to have her in its midst.


She's worth a thousand of me.


Jen isn't *just* a State blogger... she also is the glue that holds together basically all of the behind-the-scenes, morale-boosting, cohesion-building nifty communication-and-meet-up stuff for State folks. I mean, you attack Jen's blog, you attack Jen personally, especially when you drag Jen's breast cancer fight (REALLY??) into the reasoning behind why Jen's blog was removed from The List.


So, yes, I stand in solidarity with all other bloggers who have unashamedly used the word nipple (NIPPLE! NIPPLE! NIPPLE!!) in their blog posts today. (Which my husband thinks is utterly hilarious, by the way. A couple of blog posts ago, I used the word penis, and now nipple. Is there NO END to my irreverence?)


And I also call upon The People Who Make The List to please put Jen back on it. She deserves to be there far more than I do. 


[UPDATE: Jen's story is in The Washington Post!! GO JEN!]


                                                 ~   ~   ~


Above and beyond that, though, I will say that there must - and I mean MUST - be a fundamental change behind closed doors at State. State absolutely must wake up and change its senseless, harmful, hurtful reactions to all things social media.


Some of my dear friends (who are all far more intelligent than I) say that State just needs more/better policies regarding social media... but I don't know if I agree. Because until the behind-the-scenes attitude at State becomes blog tolerating instead of blog murdering, additional policies, even if they are initially written by folks at State who are pro-blogging in an attempt to somehow be helpful, could ultimately just be used as bigger bludgeoning clubs against us bloggers by those who are NOT.


And believe me when I say that that's the last thing we need.

Are We Happy? (Possibly Part the First of I Don't Know How Many)

A very brave bloggy girlfriend of mine (no, sorry, won't link to her because not everyone who reads my blog LIKES BLOGS) recently wrote about how she's been at post for a while now and whether or not she's happy there. She answered yes. And no. And maybe. And how things at post are WAY different than what she and her husband had expected before they got there. Not different *bad*, just... different. 


It got me to thinking. About expectations pre-arrival and realities post-arrival. 


Pre-arrival, James had many high hopes for his first overseas assignment. Somehow, he had envisioned that he would be using his trained-for-a-long-time-language skills (2/2 in Mandarin, baby!) Every. Single. Day, and that he would be sharpening them to utter Mandarin perfection, leaving post with a higher language score upon departure, just from the sheer awesome immersion language-y experience of it all.

Neither of those has happened, nor will they. 


He also dreamed of our family traveling around frequently on breaks or weekends (actually, I'm not specifically sure when exactly he planned on traveling) around China or Asia or the EAP area or... something. You know: travel. Seeing stuff. That was another one of his major goals. Another thing that he specifically looked forward to.


Which hasn't happened, either. Nor will it.


It's hard when your children are older and you don't want to pull them out of AP classes in order to go look at some random something somewhere. Or when they're always either sick or injured, as is the case with our two sons. So the traveling thing hasn't really happened. Oh, sure, we have DS friends on Facebook who literally seem to be jetting off to Lord only knows where every freaking weekend (hate you people! You know who you are!!), but that's... not what's been going on with us. 


It's just... reality. It's not bad, it's just...life. It's different than what we expected.


The other weekend, even though one of our sons was ill (of course) and the other was injured (of course), James and I left the house via taxi to go to a local tourist-y place that we had not visited yet. Because, let's face it: the boys wouldn't have wanted to have gone with us even if they had been feeling 100% fantabulous, that's why.


It's spring!  A smallish tree across the street from the Consulate burst out in bloom recently:






The flowers only lasted for a few days at the most. But they were pretty. And in a city filled with 15 million people, you sorta hafta grab the beauty when the grabbin's good. You know?


On the way to the touristy spot, we passed an excellent reminder of why we don't own a car/drive here:





I snapped that above photo from the back of our cab, and it made the cab driver reallllllllly nervous. 


What you're looking at in that picture is a tiny portion of a HUGE, rowdy crowd that had gathered literally in the middle of the street after an electric scooter and a car collided. People were yelling at each other in Mandarin, police officers were at the scene yelling at the yelling people, injured folks were there, as well, and as we drove by I was all Oh hell no, I am SO GLAD we don't own a car. Because when wrecks happen here, from what I understand money changes hands before people depart the scene. So the crowd gets involved in who did what wrong and whose fault it was, advocating for this and that for one person or another. Can you even IMAGINE?  


::shudder::
 

We got to the touristy spot and found the solution to one of life's MYSTERIES:





Namely: Who the HELL has been selling teenaged and young adult Chinese girls eyeglass frames WITHOUT ANY GLASS OR LENSES WHATSOEVER INSIDE THEM and convinced said girls that wearing empty, plastic eyeglass frames on their faces was a good fashion choice?!


That street vendor, for one.


Craziest thing I have ever seen, I kid you not, and it's all over the place here... girls will wear those empty eyeglass frames on their faces. Out in public. Like those colorful, plastic, COMPLETELY EMPTY eyeglass frames are some kind of face bling or something.


We went into the touristy spot, and I'll say this: it was quite lovely. Which is why it had to be touristy. Just saying. No offense, Chengdu. But there were no green or yellow spat-out-phlegm-globs on the sidewalks or baby/toddler poo on the sidewalks (or baby/toddler puddles of urine on the sidewalks), and the stores all looked something like this on the outside:




 
The stores sold touristy sorts of things, such as Mao bags:

And t-shirts that were, um, ODD:





:::speechless:::


And there was food EVERYWHERE.


I've said it before and I'll say it again: Chengdu, China has the best food of any post anywhere on this planet. Kid you not. Don't even approach me to try to challenge me on this. YOU ARE WRONG.






I loved the buildings. So much character! Touristy character, of course, but HEY, I'LL TAKE IT:





and




And just in case you were wondering, HELLS YEAH Chengdu has Starbucks. It has them all the heck over the place. There's even one within a one minute walk of the Consulate. 


This one was very.... touristy and pretty:





It even had the Chinese name for Starbucks on a separate sign that lined up with its English Starbucks name, allowing me to get a shot of both of the signs at once:




Which is fun, but probably only for those of us who tortured ourselves in Mandarin and thus care about these sorts of geeky language things.


All in all, it was nice to get out and about a little, even if everything we saw WAS just touristy, and even if we stayed within downtown Chengdu the whole entire time, basically just minutes away from where we live or where James works or where our kids go to school, etc. Not so much... travel. And not so much as a family. And we didn't even use our wicked Mandarin skillz (kidding! A 2/2 gets you pretty much nowhere here!) at all.


So... yeah.  Differences in expectations pre-arrival-at-post and realities post-arrival-at-post. 


Interesting to ponder, especially since we've just passed our six month mark here in Chengdu. Meaning that our assignment is now officially more than a quarter over.  And did I mention that we bid this summer/fall?


Crazy.

Turns Out: I Haven't *Completely Destroyed* My Husband's Career!!

How do I know this?


Because the other morning we woke up to the awesome newz (delivered to us via my husband's Blackberry, who I long ago bitchily nicknamed "Your Girlfriend," as in I call out "Your girlfriend wants you!" when it rings or buzzes, so at least she delivers good news occasionally!) that


MY HUSBAND JUST GOT TENURE!!  


That's right: on his first try!   


Now, this is a big deal for anyone, right?  I mean, going from new-employee-who-can-be-fired-at-will-for-any-reason to real-employee-who-gets-to-actually-keep-this-job-long-term is a big deal no matter *who* you are.  We will be able to eat!  And have health insurance!  WOO-HOO! 


But there are bigger reasons why this is awesome, as well.  First of all, from a professional standpoint, James was worried because between getting hired and being up for tenure, he's been almost permanently in training.  The tenure process already is unknowable and mysterious, and the reasons why Person A gets it and Person B doesn't often aren't at all obvious or knowable, but the gossip has been that those who spend lots of time in training - particularly long-term language training like, oh, say, CHINESE, end up with EERs that are pretty much empty. Not. Good.


But then there was the OTHER reason to be worried that James wouldn't get tenure.  The big, huge, OBVIOUS reason that James wouldn't get tenure.  


Um, you're reading it.


Yes, my friends... THIS BLOG.  This blog (written by James' loudmouth wife).  She tries hard to be a good wife, bless her heart, but somehow her blog has gotten him in very deep trouble on multiple, multiple occasions.  Official, deep trouble, complete with meetings with high up people and unpleasant conversations.  On multiple occasions.  For multiple reasons.  Over the last few years.  One meeting of which included discussions regarding his upcoming tenure process.  The one he just got through, THANK GOD.  


So yes, I was worried.  


Over the years, this blog has disappeared and reappeared.  It has gone from having lots of State links on its sidebars and linking to other State bloggers to... not having or doing those things (very much).  It often hosted the Weekly Blog RoundUp (back to that in a second). You get what I'm trying to say.    


In fact, did you, by chance, read last month's edition of the Foreign Service Journal (the December 2011 issue)?  If you did, you might have seen the extremely well-written article (starting on page 13, and can be found here) by my dear friend, Matt Keene, regarding State Department bloggers and some of the extremely unpleasant things that have happened to them behind closed doors.  And if you read that article, you read several items about my blog and some of the things that have happened to James and me because of it.  You just didn't know that those parts were about me and James because I hadn't told you yet. But now you know.


The trouble James and I have received has weighed on us heavily. I have cried.  Oh, how I have cried.  I have offered a thousand times (begged, actually, some of them) to delete/be allowed to delete this blog in order to stop my husband from getting into trouble over and over again. The trouble which comes out of nowhere and can never be predicted. The trouble which comes only because some at State hate blogs and blogging.


But James has never let me.  And he has further told me to keep doing what I do and keep being who I am. To be brave.  On multiple occasions, he has told me those things.  Over many years.  Continuously.  


Blogging is very high stakes if you are an employee or EFM with State.  I cannot describe how high the stakes are.  Better, kinder, more talented bloggers than I have been forced to delete their blogs.  Behind closed doors, careers have been destroyed.  And no, I'm not talking about Mr. Publish-A-Book-About-Iraq-Guy or anything like that.  I'm talking about normal people normally blogging about their normal lives.  And then... they aren't.  There are ALWAYS backstories.  And I know some (most, perhaps?) of them.  And I grieve for them.  Because James and I have seen trouble, but are still here.  


I wish they were, too.


The "Tigers" can be anyone, my friends. They can be anyone anywhere at State who can leverage any authority or have any influence over an employee.  They're not just one department or one bureau or one piece of State or whatever.  Sure, they can be that employee's boss, of course... but they can also be their boss's boss, or boss's boss's boss, or anyone at post, or anyone in that section of the world, or anyone anywhere high enough to have any say over what happens to that employee, or anyone in any lateral piece or department who doesn't like blogging in general or that blog in particular.  


So today I celebrate that my husband now has tenure.  Thank you, Tenure Granting People, thank you.  Maybe you knew that James was THAT GUY whose wife has THAT BLOG... and maybe you didn't.  Maybe it wasn't an issue whatsoever... and maybe it was.  Maybe it was discussed and maybe it never came up.  He certainly, certainly deserved to get it, because he's fabulous at what he does.  


So, yes, the RoundUp.   


Which is BACK! ON!


Because my dear friend Jill (The Perlman Update) has taken the RoudUp and run with it!


So Jill is hosting the first week of the RoundUp's resurrection (publish date January 20th) and then Jill will be the new RoundUp hostess from now on - so GO JILL!  I look forward to seeing the RoundUp come back alive... helping people to connect with each other and helping us all share information about the crazy, fabulous, wonderful journey that this State life is.  And I'm grateful to Jill and to everyone else who loved having the RoundUp around and wanted it to come back!


It's a good day!


And if anyone official is having or would like to have a *substantive* dialogue about State blogging policies and how to make them better for the future... and wants to actually include a real, live blogger who has been through the fires multiple times from multiple sources for no good reason whatsoever (only because some folks at State hate blogging even while others are actively championing it**)... you know where to find me.  Because at some point, this has GOT to change.


** See that very first blog link on the right hand side of the official State.gov recruiting webpage?  IT'S MINE. 

Oh, What A Difference a CLO Makes!

 

Oh, you guys - I got GREAT news yesterday!


News so fantabulously wonderful I can't even tell you how wonderful it is!


Our post now has a CLO (Community Liaison Officer)!!


Now, in order for this to be phenomenally wonderful news, it is obvious that, prior to now, my post has been CLO-less. Which it was.


All during my family's pre-preparation for moving stage (trying to figure out car or transportation situations/moving issues/packing issues/consumables issues/school-for-our-children issues, etc.), Chengdu was CLO-less. Which was all kinds of very sad sadness.


I mean, seriously - back when James was first hired by State in 2008, I went to all manner of EFM Wifeypoo Classes at FSI. And, really, you learn in those classes that the go-to answer for pretty much everything is to email the CLO at Post. Want to learn more about moving? Required vaccinations? Schools? Food? What the best ideas are for what to bring in your UAB? HHE? Consumables? Whether or not your can bring your own furniture and, if so, which pieces? What your housing will have in it? What activities there are in the area or Consulate for your children?


Well - the answer always is to ask your CLO.


None of the Wifeypoo Classes (at least, as far as I can recall) addressed what to do IF THERE'S NO CLO.


It's so assumed that there will be a CLO that State even sets aside an automatic CLO email address for every post. It's THAT expected that each post will have a CLO.


So, fine, no problem. At some point after finding out we were going to Chengdu - around the time I first started having to worry about all manner of move-y things - I emailed the official, set-aside Chengdu CLO email address.


No answer.


Well, I thought, maybe the CLO is backed up with emails?  I'll wait a while and try again. Which is what I did.


Still no answer.


Devastated, I stopped emailing.


Around this same time, my dear, darling, adorable friend Denise's (Beyond the Cornfields) husband was assigned to Dhaka. Now, if you know Denise, you will know that she's sort of like butterflies and rainbows and *The Perfect Wife and Mother* all wrapped up in a cute little package with sparkly eyes. And, of course, she was all happy and bouncy about learning recently that she was going to Dhaka, and she positively bubbled over with utter joy when she filled me in on the Dhaka particulars:


"The very day he got paneled to Dhaka, the CLO emailed us a Welcome Packet! And sent us the current Newsletter! And put us on the Newsletter's distribution list! And added me to the list of Post get-togethers and travel opportunities/tours!  I'm so happy!"  she gushed to me, and continued on with telling me about all the fun stuff going on in Dhaka.


And I was happy for her. Because she was (is!) my adorable, sweet, lovely friend. Obviously, I wouldn't wish anything on her but absolute happiness and sheer joy. But deep down inside I was also super jealous. Super DUPER jealous. Because - what's a Welcome Packet? And some posts have Newsletters? And people get together? And they also go on TOURS?


Come to find out - our post hadn't had a newsletter in two years. And I had no idea if people ever got together. Or went anywhere.


And then it was confirmed that - Chengdu had no CLO. I was devastated. So I maneuvered my way through my family's move and all of its particulars without any CLO at post.


And I'm not at all trying to complain, because we had lots of help from our Chengdu co-workers, many of whom we have been fortunate enough to even meet (some in language training at FSI - love you guys!) or talk to on the phone. But, you know, it's not the same.


I mean, our non-CLO co-workers have their OWN full-time jobs and their OWN children and their OWN things they have to do in their (not too plentiful) spare time, and helping me figure out what to put in my Consumables shipment had to come out of their (not too plentiful) off-the-clock, private time. And it was super sweet of each and every one of them to help us, of course, but it wasn't what they were officially equipped to do/ trained to do /paid to do/ given work time on the clock to do. It's... different. I hated to be a burden on them, even though they were all too, too kind and helped all they could. I know you understand what I'm trying to say.


But then! Oh, THEN! Then the clouds parted and heaven itself and all its angels smiled upon me for, just a couple of days ago, a magical, wonderful email appeared in my email box from - MY POST'S NEW CLO!!!


It was a sweet little, happy little, colorful little emailed piece of perfection sent out to everyone talking about getting together and things to do at post and, I kid you not, you guys...


I CRIED.


I cried for the sheer joy of it all.


I cried for feeling welcomed and part of something.


I cried for the wonderfulness of having a CLO.


A REAL, LIVE CLO.


And so, I dedicate this blog post to each and every CLO and CO-CLO and whatever the heck other title there is for all of you people out there whose job it is to welcome those of us who are coming to post with all of our questions and with all of our issues. Because I know first hand what it's like to not have you: LONELY.  Oh, I could totally kiss y'all's collective feet. In fact, I think I will, right here and right now:


*mwah* *mwah* *mwah* *mwah* *mwah* *mwah* *mwah* *mwah* *mwah*


There. That was the sound of my kissing your feet. And the pair of feet I will most be kissing are those belonging to my VERY OWN CLO. I have never met you, and I don't know if you even know about my blog, but I delight in your existence and am so very thankful for your email.


Because after having been assigned to Chengdu for almost a year and a half, I'm totally, TOTALLY ready to finally have a CLO!

Changes

Oh, so much to say.  I think I will number it all.


                                                    ~   ~   ~


1.)




Today is the tenth anniversary of September 11th, so, of course, lots of people have been writing about that.  Where they were, what they were doing, etc.


I was on my way to work, listening to the radio.  Which went from music to news and then... stayed news.


I called my Dad and told him to turn on the tv.  "What channel?"  he asked me.  "Any of them," I told him, and then hung up and called James.


James wasn't a police officer much longer after that.  With the creation of Homeland Security/TSA came new federal job opportunities, and James was fortunate enough to be selected for one.


Going through TSA lines at various airports these last few days while flying around visiting family, I have encountered TSA folks many times.  And though I have railed against TSA on my blog (I even have an entire CATEGORY called "TSA Sucks Royal," which is actually a very popular Google referral to my blog), aspects of the job were incredibly beneficial for James. 


I mean, at one point, he literally managed a federal employee workforce of over 200 people!  How many folks in leadership positions at State have had that kind of federal management experience?  Precious few, right?  There just aren't that many positions available that come with that volume of leadership, because State is so much smaller than Homeland Security.  And James was an excellent, excellent manager, who led by example and with kindness, fairness and respect.  So thank you, TSA, for your positive aspects.


Yes, September 11th was horrible, and I remember it today.


                                                   ~   ~   ~


2.)  I also stand with Jill Perlman and with Jen Dinoia, two dear, dear friends of mine who are also both State bloggers, who remember their friend's son who perished in the DC area flooding a few days ago.  He was twelve years old, the same exact age as my younger son, Zachary.  I cannot even fathom losing my Zachary.  My heart goes out to that family. 


                                                   ~   ~   ~


3.)  I, like Diplopundit (here and here), simply must write about the recent State blogger disappearances. 


If you are not too terribly familiar with the State blogosphere, you may not know that, very recently, two of my favorite blogs have gone dark**: Sass and Sweet and Muttering Behind the Hardline.


[**Which is a nice way of saying that they have been deleted.  Which is a nice way of saying that they probably didn't just decide some random day that they just randomly felt like shutting down.] 


Being a State blogger has never been a safe, risk-free endeavor.  There are many, many bloggers I know whose blogs have not gone dark but who have come under very heavy fire. 


You may notice that my own blog's sidebars (and some former blog posts) have been re-designed today.  Some things that used to be there are gone.  Some things that were not there before have newly appeared.  I'm not going to enumerate the changes, but I am going to ask that if you notice what they are, that you trust me and trust my judgment.  That I took down what I did for a reason.  That I have put up what I have for one, too. 


That, like all other bloggers, I'm doing my best to try to navigate these funky waters.